Animal

I went to a Filipino Christmas party recently and there were these Mexican deep-fried flour tortilla rolls that were pretty good. Actually, they were the only things at the party that were worth eating, but whoever brought it only brought a small amount. Not enough for everyone at the party to have one, and this was where my dilemma was. Instinctively I wanted to rush for seconds and maybe even thirds or fourths before they were all gone, but logically I should let everyone else have the rest so as much people as possible had a chance at it. I am reminded of the trouble I have with my Asian, non-Filipino friends and their opinions around sharing food. I had gotten into a lot of flack around eating all the good stuff before anyone else has had the chance. Filipinos, however, have always been indifferent to my greed. Actually, during a recent fiesta, I remember the party members swarming over the freshly made soup that the caterers brought out with no intention of leaving enough for everyone. At the time, I was somewhat irritated, because I had developed the habit of waiting patiently for my turn; my instinct to swarm with the rest was squelched by negative regard from the past. I start to think about communal animals in the wild. I don’t know much about them, but I’ve seen a few animal documentary shows. I imagine that wolves fight for as much of the shared food as possible, because those whom weren’t assertive ended up dead from starvation. I also imagine that monkeys have a different social order. I’ve seen documentaries where monkeys become outcasts because of their rude behavior and those who are without a community also end up dead. I know that we aren’t wild animals and I know that there is no scarcity of food, but I believe that there are some animal instincts left, especially with me. I sat at my table, eying that plate of tortilla rolls as the remaining disappeared one by one. I was pretty sure that no one would have cared that I went for seconds but still I remained seated, my greedy animal fighting with my ultraistic diplomat. Then the last roll disappeared and the internal fight disappeared with it and I wondered what the big deal was. I was so afraid that I would feel regret not eating seconds, but there were none. Actually, I felt quite proud. There would have been more regret if I had eaten more than I should have.

What I Need to Do

I discovered that I gained two pounds! Yet, I’m not feeling a great urgency to do better. I’m bummed and my motivation is low.

I don’t want to gain the weight back. I came up with a list of things I need to do to get back on the wagon.

1. Stop eating impulsively.
2. Sit down and focus when I eat.
3. Keep myself from getting overly hungry.
4. Calm myself if do I let myself get too hungry.

Image

Because of the wedding and Teresa’s birthday party, I’ve been seeing a lot of people whom I haven’t seen in a long while, and the first thing they mentioned was my weight loss. This surprised me, because I hardly felt that my weight loss was significant enough to be mentioned anymore, as it was in the beginning when I was losing weight really quickly. Now I’m looking at myself in the mirror to catch a glimpse of what everyone else was noticing and I start to believe them and I start to stare at my image way too much to the point that shouldn’t be acceptable for a God-fearing girl like me. And it’s not only the staring at the mirror, but I am also spending more time and money on my clothes and my hair. Before when I was avoiding my image, I was also neglecting the upkeep of it. Now I feel that I’m overdoing it.

I hardly mentioned my religion in the past, because spiritually I need a lot of work, but I AM a believer and I DO have a healthy fear of hell and me possibly going to it after this life is over. However when I think of all the deadly sins I have committed and continue to commit without thought, I start to worry. I should be praying and doing all the things that I should be doing to tap into that spiritual realm and rise above the trappings of the world, but it’s difficult. Time is valuable and I REALLY need to reassess my priorities. And, at the moment, losing weight hardly feels like a priority anymore. I feel healthy and fit, and I look good. Back in the beginning, I used to beam with pride when someone mentioned my weight loss, now I’m glossing over that it’s even mentioned. There’s a bit of shame in my appearance now. It’s communicating to the world where my priorities are, and I don’t want the world to think that it’s in my image. I want to make a difference in the world and influencing my overweight friends, family, and acquaintances to lose weight kind of feels like a negative impact. I believe that as a society we care too much about image and it’s not good, and right now I’m feeling like a bad example.

Self-Medicating on Chocolate

I gained 0.9 lbs this week. Although I know I can shrug it off as “fluctuation”, I don’t think it is. I’ve been trying to weigh daily again after I discovered Google 15, which creates a trend line. It’s difficult making it a habit and I’m thinking of abandoning it again, but from what little I’ve gathered, the trend is definitely going up. Another thing that I know is that I’m definitely eating too much chocolate. I had hoped that abstaining for two weeks would help me get a handle on it, since it helped when I did it for Lent, but I was wrong. My difficulty could be because of the season. Lent leads to warmer weather. After my recent break from chocolate there was just more cold weather. I’m thinking that the colder weather could be making me depressed, and I may be using chocolate as an anti-depressant. My therapist back at school had suggested I was doing this, and she may have a point. She had suggested that I take a “real” anti-depressant. I thought she was making mountains out of molehills. I know I’m still green in the mental health field, but I’m almost certain that my “depression” is hardly enough for medication. My life is not disrupted enough by it, and since I’m not morbidly obese nor diabetic, tempering my chocolate addiction doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to get tied up in the system and all it’s troubles. So medication is out of the question, but I still need to figure out how to deal with it without falling off the wagon.

Thank You, Friends

I don’t think I thank you all enough for your comments, encouragement, and knowledge. It is because of you I have gotten as far as I have. Although, I know that we’ve never met face to face, I consider you all my friends. Because of you I haven’t felt lonely since the birth of Teresa, and I have lost the urge to make new friends (which is probably not so good).

Earlier this week, I went jogging with Teresa in the jogging stroller around central park. As I stretched, I let Teresa play in the sand and another lady with a baby and stroller started talking to me and we got into a whole conversation. It was one of those talks were I felt that we connected at the get go. We said our good-byes and I then realized that she was hinting at maybe developing a friendship. Her baby was quite young and considering the time of day it was, she was probably a stay-at-home mom. I can relate to the loneliness that happens when there’s no work or school to go to, because I’ve been there. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a total recluse. There’s the occasional get-together and so forth, and they’re a lot of fun and all, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to except for Ly (which is not enough for me). I remember going to the park frequently with newborn (or kids) in tow; talking to every person I meet, hoping for a connection. Anything. And here was my connection with this lady in the park, and I didn’t care that I let the opportunity past. If it was the past me, I would have been drooling over this poor lady that she would have grabbed her baby and ran. I should probably make some real life friends eventually, but for now, I’m content. With everything.

I’m finally coming to grips with my weight loss and starting to feel confident that I will keep it off. I’m also having more sex with Ly without doubting his love or feeling uncomfortable. Sure, he wants to have sex a lot more now that I’m thinner, but I resolved that I should just enjoy it while I can. And believe me, sex works wonders on the relationship.

About my recent spiraling into chocolate hell. After I wrote my previous post, I looked at it before I hit published and I thought about the possible comments I would get when the solution hit me right there. Get the chocolate out of the house. Well, duh. My husband suggested it earlier, but he phrased it as him eating it all, throwing it away, or giving it away. Every single option was very unappealing. I mean these were MY chocolate, given to ME. (As you can tell, I’m extremely selfish when it comes to chocolate.) But then I thought of another solution. Have Ly bring my chocolates to his work and bring back after 2 weeks. When I told him what he would be doing he said, “to give out?” I said, “No! No! (waving hands vigorously) To GIVE BACK!” He laughed and agreed to it. Day three without them, and I’m doing extremely well calorie-wise.

Some of you may be wondering “What happened with intuitive eating?” Believe me, I’m still trying to practice it. This happened the last time I tried intuitive eating. I fooled myself into believing that I want to eat this stuff and that I’m not full, which can’t be true. How can my body be telling me that, when I feel so terrible afterwards? Something was lost in the connection and I couldn’t get my mind into what it was suppose to be into, which is why I’m glad I decided to continue recording food in-take regardless.

Arguing Over Underwear

I haven’t started eating right yet. I'm saturated with chocolate cake and didn’t even feel like eating the stuff, but I ate 3 servings anyways, afraid that it would go bad and be a waste. What is wrong with me?

Ly and I had a “discussion” about it that flirted towards argument, but I kept it together. I heard him point out my character flaws and fought off defensiveness like I was hitting tennis balls against an opponent out to get me. Then we entered the mall and passed by the lingerie shop where I had bought sexy lingerie the other day (which I have never done in my life). I’m not sure if I should be buying any lingerie at all, seeing as how I will only gain the weight back and be unable to wear it. Never the less, Ly was so happy that I had done it that I guessed he wanted to prolong the experience and look around. He pointed out a garment he liked and I was ready to exchange the one I bought for that one, but he wanted both. I couldn’t understand the logic. The whole reason, I bought lingerie was because I wanted to have sex without becoming totally naked and hide my obvious imperfections. One very expensive garment that only one person will see would do quiet fine. But the reason he thinks I bought it was to add variety in the bedroom. Our personalities clashed yet again, and we got ourselves into an argument. Normally, I wouldn't be so bothered, but after our recent “discussion” I just fell into despair, wondering if Ly regretted ever marrying me.

Fat and Lazy

I had a bit of mindless eating yesterday, and today it was out of control. I ate tons and tons of kid cereal, going over 2,000 calories for today. I talked to Ly about it in the hopes that he would help me feel better, but instead he decided to bring up the fact that I am also letting the house slide, making me feel worst. He also gave me the “just buckle up and do it” speech, as if I don’t give myself that same speech everyday. Maybe, I’m tired of buckling up. Maybe I'm so overwhelmed that I can't get myself to do what I'm suppose to be doing.

It was probably two weeks ago when Ly exclaimed how happy he was with my weight loss, because when I was getting fat, I was also "lazy". Fat and lazy. Can I be called anything worst? I wasn’t surprised about this, because he had given hints that he felt this way. I just wished I didn’t hear him say it, because I fear that I am returning to my former self. Actually, I wished he didn’t think it either. But what can I do? He has the right to his judgment, and I can’t say I disagree with him either, just as I can’t disagree when he calls me selfish. However being lazy is far worst. Sure it still stings when he exclaims, “I can’t believe how selfish you are!” (and this seems to happen out of the blue) but I have come to own that part of me and have no intentions of changing. To be lazy, however... I don’t want to be lazy.

If they really knew what I ate...

This is a little self-awareness activity from “Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating” that is suppose to help prevent the sneaking of food, which keeps you from fully enjoying indulges, causing you to overeat. What I did was I completed this sentence “If _____ really knew what I ate_____________.” Then I completed this sentence: “I sneak food, so that ___________.” This is what I came up with.

“If my kids really knew what I ate, they would copy me and develop poor eating habits.”
This is my greatest fear in terms of my poor eating habits. Therefore… "I sneak food, so that my children will develop good eating habits.” It is also the number one reason that I sneak food. But whom am I fooling? I suck at sneaking food even with a two-year-old. It’s better that they see their mom enjoying an occasional sweet rather than act like eating sweets is criminal behavior. That way they know that it’s okay for them also. Additionally it may be all right if they see their mom binge every once in a while. It’s bound to happen, albeit less frequently than in the past. Maybe it’s okay if they know that Mommy is human and is working on making herself better.

“If Ly really knew what I ate, he would lecture me.”
Oh, how annoying it is when he lectures! I feel as if I’m one of his kids and not an equal person. It pisses me off and makes me want to eat more out of defiance. Therefore… "I sneak food to avoid being lectured.”

“If my sisters really knew what I ate, they would point out my bad habits to everyone.”
This annoys me, because it feels as if THEY were lecturing me also, since this is one of my parents’ parenting techniques to rectify undesirable behaviors. Additionally, I am a very private person and feel very uncomfortable with that type of attention. So I would eat more to not only act in defiance but to ease my feelings of discomfort. Therefore... "I sneak food to avoid social shame."

“If Peggy really knew what I ate, she would think she was better than me.”
I have a serious inferiority complex when it comes to Peggy, my ex-roommate. She hides behind a façade of Japanese-style humbleness and tolerance, but she truly is arrogant, judgmental, and self-righteous. She eats in a very feminine manner, eating with control restraint. Compared to her, I’m a social slob. Therefore… “I sneak food, so that Peggy wouldn’t think she was better than me.”

“If my friends and Ly knew what I ate, they would think I was selfish and a bad person.”
Ly and most of my friends are Chinese or Vietnamese, and I’m afraid that overeating food that is suppose to be shared is seen as selfish to them, since they go out of their way to be considerate of others having a fair share or not eating too much. Additionally, Ly has blatantly called me “selfish” on a number of occasions when I eat all or too much of the food that was supposed to be for the kids. Therefore… “I sneak food so that others think I was selfless and good.”

Now that I think about it, this is a silly reason to sneak food. They’re going to find out anyways, and when they do, I will look quite silly. Might as well eat in full view of them all without any excuses. And being selfish is not that bad of a thing. It helps me look out and fight for myself when necessary. Isn’t that a good thing? Additionally, Ly already knows that I'm selfish; and eventhough he doesn't like it, he doesn't think I'm a "bad person".

A Night of Decadence

My sister-in-law Ruth is a general manager at a restaurant, and as family we can eat there for free. A family friend is in town, so they decided to take her to Ruth’s restaurant for a night of decadence. We ordered A LOT for the sheer sake of ordering a lot. I became full after the appetizers, and I did something that I’ve never done before. I asked the waitress to put my food in a to-go box, before it came out. It felt odd doing this and I couldn’t help noticing half the table noticing me. I hate being scrutinized. I don’t like people noticing me doing something out of character, especially in an effort to improve myself, because there might be a day when I fall back to the way I was and they will think, “I knew it”.

So when it came time for dessert, I participated even though I didn’t feel like eating dessert. I also did this just in case I wanted to eat dessert when it did come out. In the end I had too much sugar and felt sick. I also did the standard berating-myself-for-again-falling-under-social-pressure after dinner routine.

A Week of Intuitive Eating

I’ve been reading “Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating” by Geneen Roth, which I heard was an older edition of “Breaking Free From Emotional Eating”. Actually, I started a while ago but dropped it because of several reasons:

1) I had started reading it during my despair period when lost faith in myself, but I had gotten over it and no longer needed outside wisdom.

2) I had come across activities that the writer wanted me to complete. Because I tend to be exacting, I had wanted to do each activity before going on to the rest of the book. But I found the activities to be too demanding and overwhelming.

3) The new Harry Potter book came out, and I wanted to devote my reading time to that instead.

I continued reading “Breaking Free…” on Monday. Last week there were tons of family in town, therefore there were tons of get-togethers. I noticed that meal times together were scheduled later than regular times. Lunch at 2pm. Dinner at 8pm. This is probably because they were all waking up late from going out and staying up late every evening. As a highly regimented individual, this put me off, but I decided that I wanted to be more flexible and accommodating. Come Monday, after our last late-night get-together, I found myself eating breakfast at 10:30am! I had thrown myself off, but I couldn’t wait until an “appropriate” time. I told Ly of my dilemma and he said, “Why don’t you eat when you’re hungry?” What a concept, huh? And I started to think about Intuitive Eating and how Ly was a natural at it and how I wanted to live my life more like him and everyone else. So flexible and unrestricting. That was when I decided to continue reading “Breaking Free…”

That and because I had no idea how hunger felt like at its beginning stages and I was hoping that the book would describe it to me. Nope. She’s into the whole discover-things-for-yourself method. Which is not surprising coming from a be-in-touch-with-yourself technique like IE. She did, however, described methods of being more in tune with your hunger, which I tried to follow.

This time as I read the book, I decided to not follow it exactly. Instead I wrote down all the activities that I would someday like to do. Other than that, I was doing what I felt comfortable doing at the moment. I’m sure Geneen would have wanted it this way.

The most challenging concept was to remove distraction when eating. I found it easy to not watch TV or read when the family was in the house, because they were naturally distracting with their demands during meal times. And when they weren’t being distracting, it felt like a welcomed relief to not think of anything but my food. It was the day when the kids were at my in-laws did I found eating without distracting myself a challenge. It was lonely, and I couldn’t handle it. How pathetic, huh? There are others out there whom live alone, and I couldn’t handle one day of a quite house while I ate. So I sat myself down in front of the TV and watched until the loneliness went away. It was then that I was able to eat the rest of the meal in silence. Maybe someday, I will be more comfortable feeling the loneliness.

Last night, we had dinner at my in-laws’ and I discovered that practicing IE has helped me reach some kind of Zen-state when I ate. Things that made me react in the past didn’t this time. For one, I didn’t react to Linh noticing my eating habits. Normally, I would try to eat like everyone else when this occurs, but then I thought that she probably doesn’t think anything of it, because she has often embarked on her own eating habits. This was what was strange. I was able to think this all at the moment when usually I needed to reflect after the fact. It was as if time froze.

However, Ly’s incessantly offering me food did eventually bother me. There’s only so much Zen I can maintain. But I think I still did well, and I was more understanding of Ly’s behavior when in the past I would get angry with him. I was sitting and doing nothing for long periods of time, because the conversations at hand did not include me. It felt uncomfortable, and I would have been eating to fill it up but I was practicing IE. Ly probably felt uncomfortable at my discomfort, which was probably why he kept bothering me with food. This I was able to see, and I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t tapped into a different plane of eating.

I'm a Wuss

Thank you everyone for you comments on my last post. Unfortunately, because of my reaction to that negative comment mentioned, I have decided to disable anonymous comments. It really is unfortunate, since I have received helpful comments from anonymous in the past. Also, I get very few comments as is, and now I have probably decreased my chances by half.

I know what you may be thinking, because Ly has said it. “Wuss!” But I don’t think I’m being “overprotective” of myself as Ly says. I think I’m just avoiding people whom are intentionally trying to hurt feelings. We have a friend whom has her husband talk to people whom have unintentionally hurt HER feelings then would go as far as avoid people who don’t like her but mostly ignore her. Now THAT’S overprotective. Me? I’m just trying to force the evil ones to ignore me, so that I know that most of the comments are made for good, whether I can initially handle them or not. Believe me. Once I start working again, I’ll be dealing with a lot of comments intended to hurt. But in real life, they're easier to weed out and quickly dismiss, because there are often circumstances that lead up to them. Here on my little blog, there isn’t.

Hurtful Comments

Why does the most unintelligent stuff come from Anonymous? On my badminton post, I received a very hurtful and upsetting comment. I then proceeded to eat two sticky buns in front of the TV, pushing my daily calories to 2700. This made me feel angry with myself, because I had let some comment get the best of me. When I told Ly he said, “You’re blaming this guy for eating the sticky buns.”

Next time I get an upsetting comment, remind me not to go to Ly, because I will just get more upset and into an unproductive depression.

This morning, after sleep helped me get over my funk, I am able to digest the comments made, Anonymous’ and Ly’s. Yes, folks, I listen to all your comments and I always try to learn from them no matter how unsettling. Because I believe that I can always learn.

First, I try to identify why the comments are unsettling. Well for Anonymous, s/he obviously just didn’t like me and I was probably bummed about this. I’m over it now.

Second, I look into what message the commenter was trying to convey, which was that I should stop playing team sports, since my inadequate skills ruin everyone else’s fun. I do have a fear of this, but often I get over these feelings, so that I can have fun (because I’m selfish like that ;P). I firmly believe that I have the right to be on the court as everyone else. It’s true that I don’t have as much fun when the person/people I play against are far worst or better than me, but Anonymous specifically told me to stop playing “team sports”. I can only assume that this person doesn’t like having and gets annoyed by an inadequate partner, which I feel is very un-team-player-like. So, ironically, I would have to say that Anonymous has less business on a team than I do. Participating in most team sports, my skill level has actually been somewhere in the middle. However, I get annoyed when the inadequacy of one team member annoys another, because it always means we will lose. The negativity creates a pessimistic mood among the team. Not only will the targeted player play worst but also all the other players follow suit. In my experience an inclusive team that forgives is more likely to pull away from losing.

There will always be a worst player, and I am quite proud of myself for being that one at badminton. I’ve seen many worst players fall away from sport because of the arrogance they are subjected to, which I always felt was a shame. Sports are fun, and these people are forever kept out of the fun. If the worst player continues to fall out of it, then in the end there will only be one and no way of playing. Fortunately there are some who ignores the arrogance and stick to it.

My conclusion? I have decided to dismiss Anonymous’ comment as just plain stupidity. Beyond the hurtfulness the brain is dead.

I have to be especially careful with feedback from unknown sources, because I have no idea what their background is. At the end of this person’s comment, s/he wondered why Ly keeps hanging out with me. This statement was obviously made specifically to hurt, and in my experience, these types of comments are often plagued by nonsense. I just wished I were able to dismiss it before I let it get me down.

As for Ly’s comment, I was unsettled because he was right. I was blaming the blog comment for me eating the buns, but I had wanted it to be so at the moment. Because if I didn't I would had blamed myself totally, and who knows what I would have done in the state I was in. Now that the feeling has subsided, I now can take full credit for my actions without serious emotional unstableness.

As you may know, I’m trying to work on this blame thing and I have no idea how to go about it. What do you do when you get these strong emotions? Don’t you want to identify how these emotions came to be? I know I do. Since I’m an analytical person, I like to do it right away. Unfortunately, conclusions made in the heat of the moment causes me to do stupid things. Although I feel that my analytical trait is useful in the long run, I should probably stabilized my emotions first.

Why Do People Get Fat?

My friends and relatives believe I became fat because I have a tendency to eat too much snacks and sweets. I had told my sister Jen that Ly didn’t like it when I bought chocolate because they tend to disappear too quickly. Jen nodded her head enthusiastically, recalling how sweets never lasted that long in our house when we were growing up. She blamed the fact that our parents rarely kept sweets and snacks in the house, so that we tend to crave it then binged on them when they’re around. Then she pointed out a neighborhood family that constantly stock piled sweets and snacks and how the children in that family didn’t binged or craved sweets. She pointed out these houses as if the parents had done the right thing, but I’m not so sure. 3 out of 5 of the family members that she mentioned were and still are obese. In my family it would have been the same ratio if I hadn’t lost the weight. So who’s to say which parents did the right thing? Personally, I feel our parents were more in the right. I did not feel deprived of snacks and sweets, because if they were present, we had free reign. And overeating during parties was encouraged. They kept snacks and sweets out of the house not because they were concerned about us getting fat or cavities. It was because they never cared about sweets and snacks for themselves. They didn’t have a sweet tooth, and the only time I’ve ever seen them snack was when my mom would occasionally eat cheese or fruit in the late afternoon at the breakfast table.

That brings me to another question. Why is my mom obese? She had been thin until my paternal grandmother moved in during the mid-80’s. My grandmother moving in was particularly stressful for my mom because she was such a control freak and my grandma fancied herself as being equal in household decision making. If I were my mom, I would have gained weight for sure. But watching her now, I can’t understand why she is still obese. Granted she eats Filipino food, which tends to be high in fat, but there’s plenty of chicken and seafood to balance out the deep fried and pork fat. And in addition, my mom naturally eats in moderation. So why? Am I missing something? It’s a mystery and I wonder if it’s important enough for me to unravel. My mom and I share the same gene pool and I’ve had people tell me I look like her, but we differ on so many things. She’s pear-shaped like Jen, while I’m an apple. She had gastro diabetes during all three of her pregnancies, while I didn’t during either of mine. However, we both do have a tendency to get carried away with something to only abandon it soon after. As a result, my mom was a cycle dieter and I’m afraid that I might share the same fate. This I should probably keep in mind.

Control

Last year, after Ly and I had the heart-to-heart about me needing to lose weight, he gave me his support through and through. Unfortunately, that meant policing what I ate and telling me how to go about my losing the weight. Being a naturally defiant person, I rebelled and we had another heart-to-heart.

It’s impossible to lose weight without support, but what happens when the support you get is not working? When Ly and I sat down for heart-to-heart part 2, I outlined to him how he can help me, and you know what? He disregarded it. Well not exactly. He said he would try, and the policing died down but did not totally disappear. He still occasionally tells me not to eat so-and-so and when I can treat myself. So annoying, but I’m learning to ignore him and others like him. Before I tried desperately to control my environment to ensure my success, and when I failed I would get angry with everyone around me. I too am a controlling person and get irritated when my environment is sabotaging my efforts. Now, I think I’ve changed. I decided a while ago that I would stop trying to control everything and work on controlling myself. It’s a struggle, but I think I’m getting pretty good at it.

One thing I use to do was force low-fat food on the family, now I buy food for myself and food for them. On a recent trip to the grocery store, Hunter asked for me to buy Cheetos, which I have a tendency to binge on when it’s around. I thought, “Here we go again.” I didn’t even think that I wouldn’t get the Cheetos that is how much I have changed in mentality. If it were me last year, I would have said “no” right away, because I knew it was a “trigger” food. Then I thought, why struggle? So I did ended up saying “no”. He can get Cheetos another time. Controlling the situation when I can is also a good idea.

Re-Thought

I use my blog as a tool to help me lose weight. I like to post everything that I think would help me come to understand myself, and sometimes it helps me re-think my thoughts. Regarding my mother post. I don’t actually believe that! I’m a highly edumacated adult soaking in all the media images of the modern world. All the ladies in the parenting magazine posing as mothers are thin, and so are the mother’s portrayed on T.V. In addition, my mother was thin when I was Hunter’s age. So was my mother-in-law. But sometimes my thoughts contradict my beliefs and even flies at the face of logic. It is my feelings that confuse everything. I have this tremendous guilt regarding my mother-ness, and a lot of the time my guilt creates illogical thoughts. Let me explain…

I am an inherently selfish person, which is a big no-no among Asians. When Ly and I first met and during the first year of our marriage, Ly wasn’t bothered by it, because he was an inherently giving person and didn’t expect others to return his generosity. It was when I had Hunter that my selfishness became an issue. I prioritized myself, and Ly was disgusted by my behavior. His favorite phrases at the time were “What kind of mother would do that?” and “What kind of mother are you?” He also constantly compared me to his perfect mother, whom has sacrificed so much for her family. Those days were so overwhelming that I toyed with the idea of running away, changing my identity, and starting a new childless life. Luckily, I decided to stick to it and discovered how to "appear” selfless, but inside I was still the same. Today I still believe that I should take care of myself before I take care of others, but at the same time I secretly wish that Ly would regard my mothering as highly as his own mother's. This causes me to get these bizarre thoughts every once in a while.

The good news is that blogging does help counter sabotaging thoughts. Today, Ly worked at home because he was sore from going on a 17-mile hike with his buddies over the weekend. He was irritable because of this and because the house was such a mess. I have a tendency to get overwhelmed when Ly’s out of town. Not only because I’m on my own with taking care of house and kids, but also because I spent most of my time at my parents’ house and out with my sisters. I had planned to have the house clean before he returned home, but I ended up shopping with Jen and he ended up returning home early. I felt tremendously guilty and contemplated decreasing my exercise routine from 5 days a week to 3. With the insights I have gained through blogging, I reasoned that I still had Ly’s full support in me exercising and that I had no reason to change anything. I should, however, cut back on things that he doesn’t approve of like, ummm… being on the Internet.

Then and Now

When I became overweight, I was in a state of denial. I perceived myself as still pretty. I think my sister Kiki’s hand-me-downs helped a lot. I didn’t like to spend money on clothes, so I bought solid, neutral separates that I can mix and match and get by with as little clothing as possible. When I was gaining weight, so was Kiki, so she gave me her clothes that she had outgrown and it worked out fine. Kiki favored feminine clothing with bright colors and floral patterns. Her clothing also tended to be tailored or fitted. As a result I felt feminine. I also had boobage to show off my femininity (which is slowly disappearing as I lose the weight). It was looking at photos of myself that I realized I was fooling myself. That and my deteriorating health: The acid reflux, plantar fasciitis, snoring, poor sleep, and lethargy. Each time I see my nurse practitioner regarding a condition, she always said, “You have so and so, which is common when you’re overweight.” What?! I am? The good thing about my nurse practitioner is that she never said that I should lose weight. She just mentioned it as if it was something we would have to work around. But I did get the drift. When I lose weight all these problems will go away. Well, some went away and some have only decreased in intensity. It’s kind of disappointing that they didn’t all magically disappear when I reached a healthy weight (albeit, at the upper edge of the spectrum). Maybe when a get closer to my goal I will be rid of these health problems once and for all.

A strange thing that’s happening is that I am becoming more and more self-conscious of my imperfections as I lose the weight. I think before I thought I was pretty as a way to protect my ego, but now that I’m thinner my psyche can handle the awareness of how I really look. In addition, I only bought new bottoms since I’ve lost the weight, because they were literally falling off. With my tops, I have put some away that just look odd on me now, but some can still pass as looking decent. The problem is, nothing will show off my new figure, so I no longer feel feminine. That and my shrinking boobs. It was during a picnic when my shirt got wet and my cousin’s girlfriend lend me her spare that I realized that I can feel feminine again if I just wore more fitted clothing. I just can’t justify spending the money. I’ll rather take my chances that Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear will someday surprise me with a shopping spree.

“Less” of a Mother

There’s this wonderful pre-K program that First 5 is providing, and Hunter was invited to use it! Along with Hunter attending a preschool-like setting, there are two parenting classes. I went to the first one and it was very lame, targeting overly burdened or traumatized mothers whom failed to develop an attachment to their children. And from what I noticed none of the mothers whom attended qualified. I would have to say that they were at the opposite of the spectrum, towards super mom qualities. They were all low income and a majority of them were monolingual Spanish speakers, but in terms of parenting skills they needed no help, especially from a riff-raff social worker set on pushing her values. Ugh! If I ever become like her, consider me resigned!

I don’t think I will be attending the second class, but I don’t regret attending the first. It was wonderful meeting such dedicated mothers! What other mother would take the time to attend a lame class as that when they already have the skills anyways?

But I also noticed another thing. I was the thinnest mother in the room! You would think I would be oozing with pride because of this, but in actuality I felt tremendously self-conscious and ashamed. Because the typical and most shared reason that a mother is fat is because she has prioritizing her family over herself. I suddenly felt less of a mother, and guilty of the time that I didn’t devote to them.

Memory of Me

I’m participating in a forum where the co-leader started a summer challenge. One of the tasks was to find an old article of clothing that I would like to fit into at the end of the challenge. I told her that I didn’t have an item that fit this description. I’ve been keeping clothes from before the turn of the millennium, and slowly I’ve been letting each one go to donation. Coincidently, I think I had just donated the last of these clothes earlier this year and wished I didn’t since I now had a chance of wearing them, keeping me from having to buy new clothes at my new size. Then a few days ago, my mother-in-law asked for the long dress that I wore to my wedding reception, since my cousin-in-law will be marrying in December and she had wanted me to give it to her. Then it dawned on me. I did still have clothes from the past. For my wedding day I wore three dresses and all three are secure in storage. I had forgotten about these clothes, because I was keeping them for “impractical” reasons.

I wasn’t sure how much I weighed when I got married. Probably around 115-120? Well, I definitely know I’m more buff now at 127. I tried on the long dress just out of curiosity. No cigar. It was still too small. And it got me thinking…

Do I really want to be that small again? A part of me does, and a part doesn’t. More has changed than just my weight. I have stretch marks all over and my breasts are sagging. I totally don’t feel attractive, and returning to my old size will just remind me that it can never be the way it was back then.

At the same time, Ly totally has the hots for me now that I’m small again, and it’s making me feel uncomfortable. Did he love me less when I was fat? This idea makes me not want to have sex with him. I asked him about this and he says that his love is unconditional. I had difficulty believing him. Then I realized that I was asking the wrong question. It was lust that was conditional and for him they’re probably two separate things. I think about this some more, and I’m fine with it.

Happy Trails

Several things I have read that helped me bring a new perspective of why I’ve been a researching maniac lately. First there was Diet Girl’s observation regarding diet books and how she buys them when she’s disillusioned and have lost faith in herself. That post came just at the right time; because I think these are the reasons why I’ve been on this researching craze, trying to find the right book to give me all the answers. I really can’t trust myself, which is why intuitive eating had failed me in the past, and at the same time this researching craze was borne out of a moment of despair, when dieting had become a drag. Then there was TrixieBelden’s comment on my last post. She was totally right. I wasn’t enjoying my weight loss journey. Time to remind myself that I do.

I enjoy the exercise that I “have to do” to lose weight. I’ve always been an outdoorsy/athletic type of girl but with responsibilities that come with adulthood, things that you enjoy become once in a while kind of things. Ever since I started this journey, exercise has become a permanent fixture in my life. Although I would occasionally feel guilty that it has taken so much of my time, I love how everyone I know will buy into it as a viable reason why it’s okay for the kids to be watched by someone else or why I don’t get as much stuff done during the day. Ly and I have had arguments of how my TV-watching, Internet-obsessing activities would take away from the house, but he never says, “You exercise too much!”

The second part of this journey, of course, involves the dieting. Hmmmm… Still trying to come to grips with that one. Just as I love to be physically active, I also love sweets. And not the low-fat/low-calorie sweets. Chocolate! And it has to be milk chocolate. Chocolate-covered nuts, chocolate chip cookies, and chocolate cake are what I enjoy the most. And there really is no substituting them (if there is I don’t know about it). I just have to figure out this moderation thing, which is going to take some more time.

What I do like about this dieting thing is that I feel it really is contributing to this feeing of well-being. I feel healthy. Even when I was playing sports in high school, I didn’t feel healthy, because I was shoveling junk in my mouth. Now, as a busy adult, I feel healthier than I ever did before. I also love how my family can benefit from all the healthy options in the house. Fruit has become the snack of choice. Sitting around, eating cherries is what we like to do. Before this journey, the produce section of the supermarket was unknown territory.

And the wonderful side effect of this journey is the weight loss! I love feeling lighter. Sports become easier (although I can no longer blame my slowness on my weight). And I love the way I look.

I have good news! According to Asian BMI standards, I am no longer overweight! I’ve been dreaming of this day for so long that when it happened I was in a state of denial. I told my cousin David about it and he said, “impossible”. And I thought that he was right. It must be some fluctuation of water and hormones. It must be that my scale is finally broken. So I checked my scale’s accuracy with two 5 lb weights, and it was not broken. So I checked my weight a couple of days after and it was still the same. I can now think of myself as a “healthy person” through and through.

I told Ly about the good news and said, “Can you believe I’ve been overweight (and obese) for 6 plus years?!” He turned to me and said, “I can.” We had a good laugh about it, because he was the one who have repeatedly stuck his neck out to tell me what no one else would, that I needed to lose weight. Each time ended with me in tears. It was July 18th last year when he finally confronted me and it didn’t end with tears. When I decided to stop crying and start getting busy. Now, close to a year later, I did it.

Obsessing and Researching

I’m obsessing about weight loss again, and when this happens everything else is neglected. Father’s Day was last weekend, and I didn’t do anything for Ly! And it’s not like I didn’t have time. It’s just that I was preoccupied with myself. Last night I spent two hours writing a blog entry, ignoring my kids’ cry for attention. Then when I was preparing Hunter for bed, I realized he’d be going to my mother-in-law’s today, because Ly won’t be home in time for me to go to my sewing class in the evening. That means I wouldn’t be seeing him the whole day! I felt regret and wished I had paid more attention to him. I wished I could be more balanced.

In trying to find ways I can insure my weight loss and maintenance, I've been thinking of intuitive eating. I unknowingly tried this method twice using "A Lifetime of Weight Control & Fitness" by Debra Waterhouse. It didn’t work out for me, because I was too particular about rating my hunger/fullness and had difficulty being attuned to my body. And although this method was suppose to eliminate the guilt that comes with dieting, I still felt guilt and maybe more so when I fell into social pressures. I know that everyone (excluding those with extreme and special circumstances such as autism or anti-social personality disorder) is subject to social pressures, but I like to fancy myself as above it. Intuitive eating has helped me discover that I’m not. Also it suggested that I should eat without distractions, which was impossible when feeding two kids at the same time. And I didn’t want to give up eating vegetables in front of the TV, since it helps me eat them.

Despite my issues with this method I do still utilize its techniques somewhat, but I wonder if I should look more into it. Maybe buy a better book regarding it. But I have great hesitation making purchases for myself, so I decided to do a little academic research on the effectiveness of this method first (I have my student access to the academic journals on-line until the end of the summer). I discovered that I couldn’t find any existing research whether it was or wasn’t effective. I guess it shouldn’t have come as a surprise, considering how new this method is. Although this may indicate a better prognosis than traditional methods since most research only demonstrate how unsuccessful they are, it’s not enough for me to back it up with my money.

Then I ran across ”The Beck Diet Solution” by Judith S. Beck while perusing on Amazon and I remember reading about it on jen’s blog. It talked about utilizing cognitive behavioral therapy towards weight loss. Currently, this method is all the rage in my industry, because it’s backed by tremendous empirical evidence regarding all different kinds of situations (although I’m not sure if there’s evidence directly towards weight loss). Never the less, it has peaked my interest. And I’ll look into it …later. Right now, I need to give some attention back to the family.