Monday, July 09, 2007
Memory of Me
I’m participating in a forum where the co-leader started a summer challenge. One of the tasks was to find an old article of clothing that I would like to fit into at the end of the challenge. I told her that I didn’t have an item that fit this description. I’ve been keeping clothes from before the turn of the millennium, and slowly I’ve been letting each one go to donation. Coincidently, I think I had just donated the last of these clothes earlier this year and wished I didn’t since I now had a chance of wearing them, keeping me from having to buy new clothes at my new size. Then a few days ago, my mother-in-law asked for the long dress that I wore to my wedding reception, since my cousin-in-law will be marrying in December and she had wanted me to give it to her. Then it dawned on me. I did still have clothes from the past. For my wedding day I wore three dresses and all three are secure in storage. I had forgotten about these clothes, because I was keeping them for “impractical” reasons.
I wasn’t sure how much I weighed when I got married. Probably around 115-120? Well, I definitely know I’m more buff now at 127. I tried on the long dress just out of curiosity. No cigar. It was still too small. And it got me thinking…
Do I really want to be that small again? A part of me does, and a part doesn’t. More has changed than just my weight. I have stretch marks all over and my breasts are sagging. I totally don’t feel attractive, and returning to my old size will just remind me that it can never be the way it was back then.
At the same time, Ly totally has the hots for me now that I’m small again, and it’s making me feel uncomfortable. Did he love me less when I was fat? This idea makes me not want to have sex with him. I asked him about this and he says that his love is unconditional. I had difficulty believing him. Then I realized that I was asking the wrong question. It was lust that was conditional and for him they’re probably two separate things. I think about this some more, and I’m fine with it.
I fear no one’s opinion! I am knowledgeable, focused, and efficient. I make this priority and build from experience. I do this for my children and myself. Supported by love, I will persevere.