Monday, July 09, 2007

Memory of Me

I’m participating in a forum where the co-leader started a summer challenge. One of the tasks was to find an old article of clothing that I would like to fit into at the end of the challenge. I told her that I didn’t have an item that fit this description. I’ve been keeping clothes from before the turn of the millennium, and slowly I’ve been letting each one go to donation. Coincidently, I think I had just donated the last of these clothes earlier this year and wished I didn’t since I now had a chance of wearing them, keeping me from having to buy new clothes at my new size. Then a few days ago, my mother-in-law asked for the long dress that I wore to my wedding reception, since my cousin-in-law will be marrying in December and she had wanted me to give it to her. Then it dawned on me. I did still have clothes from the past. For my wedding day I wore three dresses and all three are secure in storage. I had forgotten about these clothes, because I was keeping them for “impractical” reasons.

I wasn’t sure how much I weighed when I got married. Probably around 115-120? Well, I definitely know I’m more buff now at 127. I tried on the long dress just out of curiosity. No cigar. It was still too small. And it got me thinking…

Do I really want to be that small again? A part of me does, and a part doesn’t. More has changed than just my weight. I have stretch marks all over and my breasts are sagging. I totally don’t feel attractive, and returning to my old size will just remind me that it can never be the way it was back then.

At the same time, Ly totally has the hots for me now that I’m small again, and it’s making me feel uncomfortable. Did he love me less when I was fat? This idea makes me not want to have sex with him. I asked him about this and he says that his love is unconditional. I had difficulty believing him. Then I realized that I was asking the wrong question. It was lust that was conditional and for him they’re probably two separate things. I think about this some more, and I’m fine with it.


Vashta Narada said...

I found your blog through a link at the Angry Fat Girls blog.

This may be totally nosy, and you can tell me "mind your own business," but I just wondered if you are Vietnamese? I only ask because my daughter is Vietnamese (I adopted her in 1999 when she was 8 months old) and she was born in the year of the Tiger, too.

I was curious about your wedding dresses and wondered if they were traditional Vietnamese ones, and what they looked like. When I was in HCMC I bought my daughter a traditional necklace to be worn at her wedding and I'm saving it for her for that day.

If you don't mind my curiosity and feel like replying, you can email me at cronerak at gmail dot com. Thanks for your time!

Unknown said...

The love vs lust topic is a very interesting point. I don't have much experience/any experience in this domain, so I'm not sure how I would react.

Aside from that, you've been awarded with The Power of Schmooze!

Tree Lover said...

That's interesting stuff to think about. I would say that it is important to figure out if you really want to be a certain weight before working on getting there. As for the lust issue, I can relate. My DH is always very attracted to me, but he seems to get more excited when I have lost weight, often telling me how I feel skinny. Sometimes I feel like telling him to shut up. But you are right. There is a difference between lust and love.

I fear no one’s opinion! I am knowledgeable, focused, and efficient. I make this priority and build from experience. I do this for my children and myself. Supported by love, I will persevere.