Saturday, October 28, 2006

I did terrible!

Ly went on a business trip this week, leaving me with the kids and homework. I had planned to stay at my parents’, but it didn’t work out. Teresa was needy all week, and I couldn’t get to the packing, so I was only able to stay at my parents’ on Wednesday. For Thursday, I stayed with my in-laws. It was a royal mess in terms of eating and dieting. I just couldn’t come to grips with my schedule. Planning ahead has been difficult since I returned to school. Having Ly gone had made it nearly impossible. Twice I weaseled out of working out, and I have brought my eating habits to a new low.

God. I hate telling the world how terrible I’m doing. I want so badly to report something good again.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Aerobics Class Again and Other News

I went to the Wednesday aerobics class again. This time around I was in a better mood, so I enjoyed it more. However there are some scheduling issues I need to work out. Because all my clients that live around my gym are elderly, they all eat dinner early. 4:30pm. I can only meet two of them in the afternoon. That’s not so bad. I can meet with one client eat lunch in the area then meet the other two. Then I can do paperwork until the class begins. It’ll just take some time to get use to the routine.

On other news, I finally got my act together and posted my current weight. 141 lbs, which was taken on Wednesday. So it looks like I’m maintaining.

I also think that I’m finally getting over my obsession with chocolate. For a while there I was eating chocolate everyday, and in most days more than one serving’s worth. Yesterday, I didn’t eat any chocolate, but I found myself bored with my food. I had no real craving, just something more interesting to eat.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Gym and Internship

For the first time since I was pregnant with Teresa, I went to an aerobics class. After interning for the past two months, it suddenly dawned on me. Three of my clients live near my gym. I arranged to visit those clients yesterday and went straight to the gym afterwards to make the 5:30 pm aerobics class. I was hoping that it would help me break the monotony of my workout, but it didn’t. Sure I was doing something different in a different environment. It was interesting that I was in a room of people doing the same aerobic moves in unison, where normally I’m by myself. I also liked how the music was familiar and in surround sound. I can get lost in that music. But my heart wasn’t into it. I found the moves predictable. Although naturally I’m uncoordinated and I usually find simple moves a challenge, I’ve been aerobicizing for four years now. Where in the past my focus was totally in the class so that I won’t make the wrong move, yesterday my focus was elsewhere and I found myself watching the clock.

I’m depressed. I was depressed yesterday and my focus was on my internship. I had a sense of déjà vu. I had gone to the gym during my first year internship. At the time I had difficulty adjusting and being the only intern. Going to the gym yesterday felt like when I went to gym two years ago after my first internship, heavy and distracted. Except this time the situation is worst. Back then I felt incompetent but my supervisor had confidence in me. Now I feel competent, but I don’t think everyone else shares this with me. I think that Kyle, one of my supervisors doesn’t like me. During group supervision yesterday, he noticed that my caseload was too small. The reason why was because Evelyn, my other supervisor, the one who is out in the field with me and giving me my cases, has been busy lately. She hadn’t had time to assign me any new cases or find enough opportunity to let me shadow her, so I’ve been taking advantage and doing a lot of personal time when I say I’m doing internship time. I know this, but I don’t call out any attention, because I don’t want to do busy work. I think Kyle notices this and I feel ashamed. During my first internship, going to aerobics class cheered me up and helped me remain grounded. This time it has also helped, but only a little. This year school in general is a lot more stressful.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Cutting Back On the Bad and the Good

I’ve been eating way too much chocolate lately. All this stress has brought me back to my old friend, but I have to be careful not to be so dependent on it. Chocolate is the only manner in which I consume caffeine. It’s a very poor source with tons of fat compared to coffee or tea, but I don’t like coffee or tea. I love chocolate. In order to get that boost of energy I need from the sugar and caffeine, I need a lot of chocolate. I must have consumed too much on Monday, because my heart was racing and I actually felt anxious and jittery. That can’t be good. Time to cut back.

Unfortunately, because of too much assignments and things to do, I have no choice but to also cut back on the weight loss efforts. I have dropped my exercise from 5 days a week to 3 days. I have also decided to abandon going to the grocery store and trying to make dinner. I’m letting Ly take care of everything. He’s going to be overwhelmed and I have felt guilty for it, but with everything going on I have made peace with my decision. And Ly seems understanding to my plight. As soon as this semester is over, I promise to resume my responsibilities.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Plan Falling Through

As you can tell by the fact that I am not giving you my current weight and I am blogging on a Thursday instead of Tuesday, I am not doing what I said I would do. Urgh. Do you believe me if I told you I didn’t have time? Well, I didn’t. It’s been back-to-back school, internship, or family related activities. I talked to my husband about my recent stupidity (in terms of eating bad foods). I told him I was exhausted, tired, and had no time to shop and cook. He told me I should make time. After internship, I finally got my butt in gear and went super market shopping. I’m exhausted and want to go to bed right now, although it is only 7:30. Tomorrow I’m setting out to cook beef stew. I’m not looking forward to it. I just want to watch T.V. and eat junk food.

I've been feeling like a dieting failure lately. I need to make more attainable goals. I am going to make a contract with myself. If I can do what I had set out to do 5 out of 6 days, I will give myself workout pants. That should be easy enough.
I fear no one’s opinion! I am knowledgeable, focused, and efficient. I make this priority and build from experience. I do this for my children and myself. Supported by love, I will persevere.