Monday, September 24, 2007

See Food 2

Sarah has asked again to see what I eat. It was easier to remember the camera this time, since I had practice last time. I would of posted this yesterday, but the Internet was on the fritz. This time, I decided to include pictures of my snacks in the hopes that it would show a more accurate representation of what I truly ate on a regular basis, but I still think this is a poor representation. I realized now that the idea of showing the blogging weight loss community what I eat has inadvertently made me make stellar food choices.


Breakfast: chicken sausage, oatmeal with strawberries, and strawberries.

There was a gloomy overcast this morning, and it was a bit chilly. This is the first time in a long time that I felt like eating oatmeal for breakfast. Interestingly, eating a warm breakfast actually lifted my spirits.

Lunch: charbroiled beef patty and gravy TV dinner
I went to a job fair after this meal. This was the first time I went out for an interview-type of ordeal. I was so nervous that I had to force myself to gulp down this unappetizing meal.

Snack: Laughing Cow Cheese on whole wheat toast and grapes
After the job fair, I discovered that I had nothing to be nervous about. I felt hungry on the drive home and ate this on arrival, although I really felt like eating Fiber One Oats and Chocolate Chewy Bar. Alas, I had sent them with Ly to bring to work earlier this day so there were none to eat. You may be wondering why I had taken this particular item out of the house, since it’s healthy with very little chocolate. At the state that I’m in, these types of food are what I consider to be “gateway chocolate”. I eat it and it wets my appetite for more, causing me to embark on a quest for the “real” not-so-good-for-you stuff.

Dinner: breaded pork chop with country-style gravy, buttered mix vegetables, and white rice.
Ly has an issue with me cutting the bread crust off for the kiddies. He believes it’s a waste, but when I was little I didn’t eat bread with crust either and it seemed illogical to make the kids eat it also. So one day, to quell Ly’s sense of logicalness, I told him that the crust could be used for cooking. The first result of this compromise was this. Breaded pork chop. The problem with this dish however was that it was too bland for Ly since the breadcrumbs were whole wheat. Next time I will try to add more seasoning and see if that would work out better.


Breakfast: poached egg and oatmeal with strawberries
I poached this egg using a microwave poacher. We were without one for a while, since I had accidentally overly nuked and melted the previous one into a pile of plastic and egg. Since it’s been a while, we had forgotten the perfect time and temperature where the egg comes out perfectly cooked on the outside with slightly undercooked yoke. Imagine my delight when I nailed this egg perfectly. 55 seconds at half power. Mmmm…

Lunch: chicken bake
This chicken bake is from the food court at Costco where the foods were made for giants. Since I’m not even of average height, I decided that I would only be able to eat half of the chicken bake without getting overly full. I have to decide this ahead of time, so that I can take a picture of what I would eventually eat. Unfortunately, it’s so hard to predict the future. I ate a little bit more of the chicken bake (picture not included). I also ate a few samples as we perused the isles. An Italian meatball and a biscotti (pictures not included). The biscotti was so yum. Not yummy enough to buy however. I did have a strong urge to buy chocolate, but I didn’t.

Dinner: chicken bake, buttered mixed vegetables, strawberries, and grapes
I ate dinner earlier than normal, because we needed to leave the house at 6pm to make it to Hunter’s Back to School Night. I wasn’t so hungry, so I ate a small dinner of leftovers.

Snack: All-Bran Crackers with Laughing Cow Cheese.
Have you tried this? All-Bran Crackers are so yum! For the crackers pictured here you get 5 grams of fiber for only 130 calories! You’ld be hard pressed to find food that tastes this good with all that fiber.


Breakfast: oatmeal with strawberries, poached egg, and grapes
Since the eggs came out so good the other day, I decided to repeat it.

Lunch: rotisserie chicken, brown rice, buttered mixed vegetables.
The rotisserie chicken is from the grocery store. The kids love it as you can see. Here you have Teresa’s hand going for the chicken. As you can also see, I have finally gotten off of my lazy ass and made some brown rice. I've been intending to make small batches of brown rice for myself to mix with white. Since this would only be for me, I couldn't get myself to do it. Here the chicken was so flavorful, I didn't need to mix the brown with white.

For dessert, I made Teresa an ice cream cone. She got bored with it, so I ate what was left.

Snack: low-fat yogurt and butter biscuits.
Teresa was asking for cake, but we had none left. I figure butter biscuits were good enough and decided to have some for myself.

Dinner: steak, green beans, and mushrooms over rice noodles and strawberries with sugar.
I realized later this evening that this meal was too small, but by the time I realized this it was already bedtime and I didn’t want to have a bout of acid reflux. Ah! The trouble with trying to predict the future!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Thank You, Friends

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I don’t think I thank you all enough for your comments, encouragement, and knowledge. It is because of you I have gotten as far as I have. Although, I know that we’ve never met face to face, I consider you all my friends. Because of you I haven’t felt lonely since the birth of Teresa, and I have lost the urge to make new friends (which is probably not so good).

Earlier this week, I went jogging with Teresa in the jogging stroller around central park. As I stretched, I let Teresa play in the sand and another lady with a baby and stroller started talking to me and we got into a whole conversation. It was one of those talks were I felt that we connected at the get go. We said our good-byes and I then realized that she was hinting at maybe developing a friendship. Her baby was quite young and considering the time of day it was, she was probably a stay-at-home mom. I can relate to the loneliness that happens when there’s no work or school to go to, because I’ve been there. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a total recluse. There’s the occasional get-together and so forth, and they’re a lot of fun and all, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to except for Ly (which is not enough for me). I remember going to the park frequently with newborn (or kids) in tow; talking to every person I meet, hoping for a connection. Anything. And here was my connection with this lady in the park, and I didn’t care that I let the opportunity past. If it was the past me, I would have been drooling over this poor lady that she would have grabbed her baby and ran. I should probably make some real life friends eventually, but for now, I’m content. With everything.

I’m finally coming to grips with my weight loss and starting to feel confident that I will keep it off. I’m also having more sex with Ly without doubting his love or feeling uncomfortable. Sure, he wants to have sex a lot more now that I’m thinner, but I resolved that I should just enjoy it while I can. And believe me, sex works wonders on the relationship.

About my recent spiraling into chocolate hell. After I wrote my previous post, I looked at it before I hit published and I thought about the possible comments I would get when the solution hit me right there. Get the chocolate out of the house. Well, duh. My husband suggested it earlier, but he phrased it as him eating it all, throwing it away, or giving it away. Every single option was very unappealing. I mean these were MY chocolate, given to ME. (As you can tell, I’m extremely selfish when it comes to chocolate.) But then I thought of another solution. Have Ly bring my chocolates to his work and bring back after 2 weeks. When I told him what he would be doing he said, “to give out?” I said, “No! No! (waving hands vigorously) To GIVE BACK!” He laughed and agreed to it. Day three without them, and I’m doing extremely well calorie-wise.

Some of you may be wondering “What happened with intuitive eating?” Believe me, I’m still trying to practice it. This happened the last time I tried intuitive eating. I fooled myself into believing that I want to eat this stuff and that I’m not full, which can’t be true. How can my body be telling me that, when I feel so terrible afterwards? Something was lost in the connection and I couldn’t get my mind into what it was suppose to be into, which is why I’m glad I decided to continue recording food in-take regardless.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Hell is a Kitchen Full of Chocolate

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I’ve eaten chocolate consistently for almost a week, and not just a serving a day, I mean 3-5 servings a day! I wonder if it’s possible to live off of one food. Maybe it is, but it sure feels nasty. My tongue has a terrible brown film over it and my lips are dry from lack of nutrients. I cycle between being excitable, irritable, and depleted of energy. Yet I keep on doing it. Other than that, my eating has been stellar. Vegetables, fruit, lean meats. Don’t know why I’m on this chocolate bend. I keep hoping that I’ll get sick of the stuff and stop. But it doesn’t seem likely. Once when I was in undergrad, I ate a whole box of chocolate. I became so sick that I was throwing up. Yet as soon as I was better, I started eating chocolate again. I should be enjoying myself. I mean, come on. Chocolate. Is there anything more enjoyable than chocolate? Yet I feel like I'm in hell.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Arguing Over Underwear

I haven’t started eating right yet. I'm saturated with chocolate cake and didn’t even feel like eating the stuff, but I ate 3 servings anyways, afraid that it would go bad and be a waste. What is wrong with me?

Ly and I had a “discussion” about it that flirted towards argument, but I kept it together. I heard him point out my character flaws and fought off defensiveness like I was hitting tennis balls against an opponent out to get me. Then we entered the mall and passed by the lingerie shop where I had bought sexy lingerie the other day (which I have never done in my life). I’m not sure if I should be buying any lingerie at all, seeing as how I will only gain the weight back and be unable to wear it. Never the less, Ly was so happy that I had done it that I guessed he wanted to prolong the experience and look around. He pointed out a garment he liked and I was ready to exchange the one I bought for that one, but he wanted both. I couldn’t understand the logic. The whole reason, I bought lingerie was because I wanted to have sex without becoming totally naked and hide my obvious imperfections. One very expensive garment that only one person will see would do quiet fine. But the reason he thinks I bought it was to add variety in the bedroom. Our personalities clashed yet again, and we got ourselves into an argument. Normally, I wouldn't be so bothered, but after our recent “discussion” I just fell into despair, wondering if Ly regretted ever marrying me.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Fat and Lazy

I had a bit of mindless eating yesterday, and today it was out of control. I ate tons and tons of kid cereal, going over 2,000 calories for today. I talked to Ly about it in the hopes that he would help me feel better, but instead he decided to bring up the fact that I am also letting the house slide, making me feel worst. He also gave me the “just buckle up and do it” speech, as if I don’t give myself that same speech everyday. Maybe, I’m tired of buckling up. Maybe I'm so overwhelmed that I can't get myself to do what I'm suppose to be doing.

It was probably two weeks ago when Ly exclaimed how happy he was with my weight loss, because when I was getting fat, I was also "lazy". Fat and lazy. Can I be called anything worst? I wasn’t surprised about this, because he had given hints that he felt this way. I just wished I didn’t hear him say it, because I fear that I am returning to my former self. Actually, I wished he didn’t think it either. But what can I do? He has the right to his judgment, and I can’t say I disagree with him either, just as I can’t disagree when he calls me selfish. However being lazy is far worst. Sure it still stings when he exclaims, “I can’t believe how selfish you are!” (and this seems to happen out of the blue) but I have come to own that part of me and have no intentions of changing. To be lazy, however... I don’t want to be lazy.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

If they really knew what I ate...

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This is a little self-awareness activity from “Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating” that is suppose to help prevent the sneaking of food, which keeps you from fully enjoying indulges, causing you to overeat. What I did was I completed this sentence “If _____ really knew what I ate_____________.” Then I completed this sentence: “I sneak food, so that ___________.” This is what I came up with.

“If my kids really knew what I ate, they would copy me and develop poor eating habits.”
This is my greatest fear in terms of my poor eating habits. Therefore… "I sneak food, so that my children will develop good eating habits.” It is also the number one reason that I sneak food. But whom am I fooling? I suck at sneaking food even with a two-year-old. It’s better that they see their mom enjoying an occasional sweet rather than act like eating sweets is criminal behavior. That way they know that it’s okay for them also. Additionally it may be all right if they see their mom binge every once in a while. It’s bound to happen, albeit less frequently than in the past. Maybe it’s okay if they know that Mommy is human and is working on making herself better.

“If Ly really knew what I ate, he would lecture me.”
Oh, how annoying it is when he lectures! I feel as if I’m one of his kids and not an equal person. It pisses me off and makes me want to eat more out of defiance. Therefore… "I sneak food to avoid being lectured.”

“If my sisters really knew what I ate, they would point out my bad habits to everyone.”
This annoys me, because it feels as if THEY were lecturing me also, since this is one of my parents’ parenting techniques to rectify undesirable behaviors. Additionally, I am a very private person and feel very uncomfortable with that type of attention. So I would eat more to not only act in defiance but to ease my feelings of discomfort. Therefore... "I sneak food to avoid social shame."

“If Peggy really knew what I ate, she would think she was better than me.”
I have a serious inferiority complex when it comes to Peggy, my ex-roommate. She hides behind a fa├žade of Japanese-style humbleness and tolerance, but she truly is arrogant, judgmental, and self-righteous. She eats in a very feminine manner, eating with control restraint. Compared to her, I’m a social slob. Therefore… “I sneak food, so that Peggy wouldn’t think she was better than me.”

“If my friends and Ly knew what I ate, they would think I was selfish and a bad person.”
Ly and most of my friends are Chinese or Vietnamese, and I’m afraid that overeating food that is suppose to be shared is seen as selfish to them, since they go out of their way to be considerate of others having a fair share or not eating too much. Additionally, Ly has blatantly called me “selfish” on a number of occasions when I eat all or too much of the food that was supposed to be for the kids. Therefore… “I sneak food so that others think I was selfless and good.”

Now that I think about it, this is a silly reason to sneak food. They’re going to find out anyways, and when they do, I will look quite silly. Might as well eat in full view of them all without any excuses. And being selfish is not that bad of a thing. It helps me look out and fight for myself when necessary. Isn’t that a good thing? Additionally, Ly already knows that I'm selfish; and eventhough he doesn't like it, he doesn't think I'm a "bad person".

Saturday, September 08, 2007

"Do you like see food?"

Have you ever wondered what my meals looked like? Well Sarah from Living to Feel Good does, so I delivered!

Breakfast: Cheerios and Fiber One Honey Clusters cereal with skim milk, mango, and hardboiled egg.

Lunch: chicken chow mein, mix vegetables, and shrimp won ton soup.

Left over Chinese food from a party.

Dinner: shrimp salsa with tortilla chip crums and mango.

This evening we had a guest over and I also needed to help Hunter with his homework. I started the rice late for dinner and couldn't wait for it to finish, so I decided to eat this pathetic snack/meal in place of what everyone else ate. Needless to say, I slept hungry.

Lunch: turkey lasagna and squash soup

The squash soup was from my mother-in-law, but I made the lasagna with the help of Hamburger Helper. I also added frozen spinach and fresh broccoli.

Breakfast: Corn Bran Cereal with skim milk, hard boiled egg, and mango

Lunch: turkey lasagna and spinach salad with raspberry vinaigrette

Dinner: chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat English muffin and salad with raspberry vinaigrette

Breakfast: blueberry pancake with syrup and hard-boiled egg

As you can see I eat a lot of hard-boiled eggs. The kids love it, and we boil a batch for them at the time so that they're always around.

Dinner: cheeseburger macaroni and corn on the cob.

It was actually kind of tough getting myself to take pictures of my food. I’ve done it before back when I first purchased my camera and wanted to use it ALL THE TIME. It was a useful tool to remind me of what I ate. However since I’m no longer honeymooning with my camera, it was easier for me to forget to use it this time around. But I delivered. Nine meals. Ideally they should have been three days worth, but this is close enough. I’m especially missing meals where I went out to eat or ate at a picnic. I wonder if it was coincidence or subconsciously intentional.

Never the less, I do not believe that this is an accurate representation of what I ate, since it’s missing pictures of what I eat during get-togethers, which tend to be overly indulgent. Additionally, I did not show what I ate as snacks, which are more than likely to be considered not too good for me than my meals.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Acceptable Overweight

It could be a fluke. Most likely it is. After being 123 for a little over a month, my weight dipped down to 120! I’ve been 123 for so long, I had already accepted that weight as MY weight and was happy if I never lost another pound. To see a different number was quite exciting. It felt like I was going somewhere, accomplishing something.

I know that next week it will probably be 121 or even 122, but for now, it looks like I only have 5lbs until I reach my goal weight and that’s such a ridiculously low number. It’ll probably take me 4 months to lose, but it’s such a little number it matters very little I lose it any time soon.

I also had my body fat percentage measured, and I’m glad to say that according to the American Council on Exercise, I have left the “unhealthy” category and barely entered the category of “acceptable”. I’m happy with "acceptable". However, according to the American Dietetics Association, I’m still “overweight”. Ideally, I would like to lose 5% more, but for now I’m quite happy with my “acceptable overweight” status.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

A Night of Decadence

My sister-in-law Ruth is a general manager at a restaurant, and as family we can eat there for free. A family friend is in town, so they decided to take her to Ruth’s restaurant for a night of decadence. We ordered A LOT for the sheer sake of ordering a lot. I became full after the appetizers, and I did something that I’ve never done before. I asked the waitress to put my food in a to-go box, before it came out. It felt odd doing this and I couldn’t help noticing half the table noticing me. I hate being scrutinized. I don’t like people noticing me doing something out of character, especially in an effort to improve myself, because there might be a day when I fall back to the way I was and they will think, “I knew it”.

So when it came time for dessert, I participated even though I didn’t feel like eating dessert. I also did this just in case I wanted to eat dessert when it did come out. In the end I had too much sugar and felt sick. I also did the standard berating-myself-for-again-falling-under-social-pressure after dinner routine.
I fear no one’s opinion! I am knowledgeable, focused, and efficient. I make this priority and build from experience. I do this for my children and myself. Supported by love, I will persevere.