What I Need to Do

I discovered that I gained two pounds! Yet, I’m not feeling a great urgency to do better. I’m bummed and my motivation is low.

I don’t want to gain the weight back. I came up with a list of things I need to do to get back on the wagon.

1. Stop eating impulsively.
2. Sit down and focus when I eat.
3. Keep myself from getting overly hungry.
4. Calm myself if do I let myself get too hungry.

Body Fat Percentage

I had my body fat checked yesterday, and something seemed strange.

Here is all the body fat percentage I have measured with the weight I had weighed at the moment.

5-22-07 35%, 132 lbs
7-16-07 32% (-3%), 126 lbs (-6lbs)
9-3-07 30% (-2%), 120.2 lbs (-6.2lbs)
10-18-07 28% (-2%), 120.9 lbs (-0.7lbs)

I had assumed going in that there wouldn’t be a change, since I had only lost 0.7 lbs from last time. So I was surprised when the trainer said that I lost 2%. That’s exactly the same amount I lost when I had lost 6.2 lbs. This seemed odd to me. How can I be gaining the amount muscle mass the numbers are saying I’m gaining at this time when my workout has been cut back?

I’m really bad with math, but maybe it has something to do with the fact that I’m at a lighter weight. Maybe body fat percentages decreases at a faster rate the lighter you are?

Another reason could be because of the measurers. The trainer said that each trainer has a different way of measuring, causing some inaccuracies. This might be the case. Each measurement had been with a different trainer. I’ll see if I can get the same trainer next time.

The trainer this time asked what my goal was. Each time a trainer asked me this, I felt uncomfortable. The truth of the matter was, I’m not really invested in my body fat percentage goal. There are too many different schools regarding how to interpret the results. I’m relying more on my BMI to set my goals, since the interpretation of those are more clear-cut. If I don’t reach my body fat percentage goal by the time I reach my weight goal, I wouldn’t mind. Additionally having both of these goals have been too confusing for me, so I decided to drop the former. I’ll still have my body fat percentage measured, but only for the purpose of gauging progress.

Edit/Update:
I was reading this post and I realized that I had made a mistake. I had actually gained (not lost) 0.7 lbs. This actually makes the 2% loss even more of an oddity.

Marshmallow - You made a really good point. I think I will need to re-think my goals.

Mad Dash

Today I weighed in at 116 lbs. That’s three pounds lost and a whole inch off from last week. Talk about a mad dash to the finish line, although what I’ve been doing to achieve this incredible loss hardly seem anything like a “mad dash” or any sort of movement at all. I’ve had strep throat. Eating had been a struggle, since everything tasted and felt like rusted nails. It’s getting better, but this is where I should be careful. Not only in overdoing with the food, but in getting back into exercise. I will most likely gain some pounds back, but I don’t want to backtrack too much. On the flip side, certain family members are definitely voicing their concern regarding my weight loss. I understand, but I’m also starting to get annoyed.

On other news, while I was sick I was also out of Internet Land and unbeknownst to me, Crabby had posted my guest post. I can’t believe all of the positive comments I received! I just wished I was cognisant at the moment, I could have responded in kind. It was a how-to regarding procrastination. Much different than anything I’ve ever posted before, but I thought it came out okay.

Acceptable Overweight

It could be a fluke. Most likely it is. After being 123 for a little over a month, my weight dipped down to 120! I’ve been 123 for so long, I had already accepted that weight as MY weight and was happy if I never lost another pound. To see a different number was quite exciting. It felt like I was going somewhere, accomplishing something.

I know that next week it will probably be 121 or even 122, but for now, it looks like I only have 5lbs until I reach my goal weight and that’s such a ridiculously low number. It’ll probably take me 4 months to lose, but it’s such a little number it matters very little I lose it any time soon.

I also had my body fat percentage measured, and I’m glad to say that according to the American Council on Exercise, I have left the “unhealthy” category and barely entered the category of “acceptable”. I’m happy with "acceptable". However, according to the American Dietetics Association, I’m still “overweight”. Ideally, I would like to lose 5% more, but for now I’m quite happy with my “acceptable overweight” status.

Happy Trails

Several things I have read that helped me bring a new perspective of why I’ve been a researching maniac lately. First there was Diet Girl’s observation regarding diet books and how she buys them when she’s disillusioned and have lost faith in herself. That post came just at the right time; because I think these are the reasons why I’ve been on this researching craze, trying to find the right book to give me all the answers. I really can’t trust myself, which is why intuitive eating had failed me in the past, and at the same time this researching craze was borne out of a moment of despair, when dieting had become a drag. Then there was TrixieBelden’s comment on my last post. She was totally right. I wasn’t enjoying my weight loss journey. Time to remind myself that I do.

I enjoy the exercise that I “have to do” to lose weight. I’ve always been an outdoorsy/athletic type of girl but with responsibilities that come with adulthood, things that you enjoy become once in a while kind of things. Ever since I started this journey, exercise has become a permanent fixture in my life. Although I would occasionally feel guilty that it has taken so much of my time, I love how everyone I know will buy into it as a viable reason why it’s okay for the kids to be watched by someone else or why I don’t get as much stuff done during the day. Ly and I have had arguments of how my TV-watching, Internet-obsessing activities would take away from the house, but he never says, “You exercise too much!”

The second part of this journey, of course, involves the dieting. Hmmmm… Still trying to come to grips with that one. Just as I love to be physically active, I also love sweets. And not the low-fat/low-calorie sweets. Chocolate! And it has to be milk chocolate. Chocolate-covered nuts, chocolate chip cookies, and chocolate cake are what I enjoy the most. And there really is no substituting them (if there is I don’t know about it). I just have to figure out this moderation thing, which is going to take some more time.

What I do like about this dieting thing is that I feel it really is contributing to this feeing of well-being. I feel healthy. Even when I was playing sports in high school, I didn’t feel healthy, because I was shoveling junk in my mouth. Now, as a busy adult, I feel healthier than I ever did before. I also love how my family can benefit from all the healthy options in the house. Fruit has become the snack of choice. Sitting around, eating cherries is what we like to do. Before this journey, the produce section of the supermarket was unknown territory.

And the wonderful side effect of this journey is the weight loss! I love feeling lighter. Sports become easier (although I can no longer blame my slowness on my weight). And I love the way I look.

I have good news! According to Asian BMI standards, I am no longer overweight! I’ve been dreaming of this day for so long that when it happened I was in a state of denial. I told my cousin David about it and he said, “impossible”. And I thought that he was right. It must be some fluctuation of water and hormones. It must be that my scale is finally broken. So I checked my scale’s accuracy with two 5 lb weights, and it was not broken. So I checked my weight a couple of days after and it was still the same. I can now think of myself as a “healthy person” through and through.

I told Ly about the good news and said, “Can you believe I’ve been overweight (and obese) for 6 plus years?!” He turned to me and said, “I can.” We had a good laugh about it, because he was the one who have repeatedly stuck his neck out to tell me what no one else would, that I needed to lose weight. Each time ended with me in tears. It was July 18th last year when he finally confronted me and it didn’t end with tears. When I decided to stop crying and start getting busy. Now, close to a year later, I did it.

Milestone and Vanity

I have finally reached my 134 lbs milestone! If I can keep this up for a week, I will gift myself an indoor rock climbing session with my husband. We’re always talking about doing it, but my husband can’t justify the cost of it. Now he can.

It’s strange, but I’m having a hard time justifying giving myself prizes for my milestones. I seem to be okay with paying myself for counting calories because in the past I have struggled with it. But when I reach a milestone, I swell up with so much pride that I don’t think I need a prize to keep me going.

Speaking of pride, I think mine may have gotten out of hand of late. I really have to watch myself, because when I lost the weight right before school, I think I was straight up vain! When I started my internship it was with 3 other interns, all of them seemed heavier than me. Although I didn’t say anything to them to make them think I was better than them, I was thinking it! I thought, “Why don’t they just lose weight? It’s so easy.” How could I have thought that? Just because I had lost weight by all means it was not easy! As punishment, I gained those 10 lbs back.

I also got advice-y when I leave comments on other blogs as if I was an expert because I lost 10 lbs! Well I’m no expert. In fact, recently things that I have thought were weight loss truths, I have found out to be…wrong. Yes, my dear readers, I was wrong. Although it shouldn’t come as a surprise to my long time readers, because when I was still learning about this weight loss stuff, I was making a lot of mistakes and they were kind enough to set me straight. And here I am thinking that the learning has ended. Nope.

For one, it finally dawned on me what BMR truly meant. I had assumed it meant the calories needed to maintain your current weight, but when my sister asked me I had realized that this definition was wrong. I had went educational on my sister, which meant I told her what the acronym stood for. I majored in biology for undergrad and somehow I had stored that BMR stood for basal metabolic rate. But as I said this, another undergrad knowledge jumped up. When I was learning it, it had meant the calories needed for normal functioning. I looked it up and my undergrad self was right. Therefore the soon-to-be-graduate self was wrong. Is it possible for me to be getting dumber?

I had posted using the wrong definition of BMR and I wondered why no one set me straight. I looked back on the post and realized that someone did. But I mustn’t have heard her. Well at the time I was thoroughly confused by all the numbers I had to deal with. I think I was much more focused on getting the numbers right. Sorry Kimberly.

Another thing that dawned on me was that fat burning zone is not the most ideal zone to be working out at. This is what Spark People had to say about that:

The "fat burning zone" business is very misleading. It’s true that low intensity exercise uses more fat as fuel and that moderate intensity exercise (that you can maintain for 20 minutes or more) burns both fat and glucose. But, you're better off exercising in the aerobic zone as much as you can, because exercising at this higher intensity burns more total calories. You will burn a larger percentage of fat in relation to glucose when you are working at a lower intensity, but you will also burn fewer total calories and less total fat. The relative percentage of fat burned has nothing to do with weight loss—it's the total amount calories burned that counts.

Charlene from my workout DVD had repeatedly told me this, but I wasn’t hearing her. I guess I needed to read it.

These are proofs that I am no weight loss guru. So I really need to keep my pride in check, so that I can be open to what people say. So that I don't mislead anyone. So that I don't make anyone think they are any less than me.

Ten Pounds

I’ve decided to try to weigh myself on a daily basis. I have heard a long time ago that it was more effective towards losing weight, but I never did it because I didn’t want to get obsessed by it. Then I thought that it takes a certain personality to get obsessed by things like that, and although I do have short spurts of obsession, I think I will be okay.

Although, I will be weighing myself on a daily basis, I will only report my weight on a weekly basis, so today’s the day I report. 137 lbs was how much I weighed. I was skeptical when I read those numbers, because according to them I had broken through 140 lbs, which I wasn’t able to do before when I started this blog.

Okay, let be bring you up to speed on my weight loss journey (if you are a new reader or sporadic, like myself). When I started this blog I was 150 lbs, then I lost 10 lbs, then school started and I gained 10 lbs. And here I am again losing 10 lbs, except this time I lost a bit more than 10 lbs. 17 lbs to be exact. I should be excited, but I’m skeptical. I tried on my jeans, the ones I bought when I lost the 10 lbs the first time. When I gained weight again, I wasn’t able to button it, but now that I lost again I can. Except it still a little tight, when it should be fitting perfectly. So I don’t know how to take this news. Should I be happy?

On other news… I’m getting really good at keeping within my calorie range. Today’s the 12th day in a row that I was able to do this! Yay, me!

Spring and Weight Loss

Spring is in the air, when I went biking with my sister. The hills were green and the fields were covered with yellow flowers. All kinds of people were out on the bike trails yesterday, along with some bugs that we took home with us on our clothes. My sister and I are thinking of making it a habit. It’ll probably have to wait though until she repairs her rear tire.

With the warm air and sunshine, I’m even more inclined to procrastinate on my Special Project. Although I have decided that it would be okay if my procrastinating resulted in some needed exercise.

I just weighed myself. 144.1 lbs. After two weeks of gaining, I ended up losing 4 lbs in one week. The only difference is that I’m recording my food intake. Also, 144.1 mean that I have achieved my first milestone. Normally this should be something to celebrate about, but half of me believe it’s a fluke. Additionally, I had already reached this milestone when I first started this blog. Reaching this milestone again just reminds me of how fickle weight loss is.

Tarot

I decided to do a Tarot reading for myself, since its New Years Eve and all. I think my reading talked about my weight loss efforts. I think this was what it said…

There is defeat around my aspirations,
Because I am tempted to give in to weakness
Recently I abandoned my efforts,
Which has lead to a disaster
It appears that I have not learned my lesson
Because of this I will not trust myself
I have a strong sense of failure
And others are too critical of me
I want to tell them that I am succeeding
I’m going to need help to keep motivated

I went to the doctors to check on my acid reflux and they weighed me. 151 lbs. I gained 10 pounds! I’m back to square one.

Aerobics Class Again and Other News

I went to the Wednesday aerobics class again. This time around I was in a better mood, so I enjoyed it more. However there are some scheduling issues I need to work out. Because all my clients that live around my gym are elderly, they all eat dinner early. 4:30pm. I can only meet two of them in the afternoon. That’s not so bad. I can meet with one client eat lunch in the area then meet the other two. Then I can do paperwork until the class begins. It’ll just take some time to get use to the routine.

On other news, I finally got my act together and posted my current weight. 141 lbs, which was taken on Wednesday. So it looks like I’m maintaining.




I also think that I’m finally getting over my obsession with chocolate. For a while there I was eating chocolate everyday, and in most days more than one serving’s worth. Yesterday, I didn’t eat any chocolate, but I found myself bored with my food. I had no real craving, just something more interesting to eat.

Eating Bad, Gaining Weight, Doing Okay

I wasn’t going to post today, being so tired and all, but because of such overwhelming concern for me from my new Internet friends (thank you by the way), I figured I should give an update. In a nutshell, I’m doing better. I think I was going through what my industry calls “transitional anxiety”. I feel like I’m over it now. Earlier this week, my husband and I got into an argument, but it was a good one. The type where I feel that I benefited and grown because of it. We hadn’t had that type of an argument in a long time. Ever since Teresa was born our arguments have been out of control mostly because I have been out of control. Well, I feel like I’m slowly coming back to my senses.

The food department is another story, however. It’s that time of the month, and I’m over-indulging in sweets and snacks (I’m especially craving chocolate). I’m not even trying to temper myself. Today, I went to a “cookie party” after internship with no intention of holding back and I didn’t. I need to get back on the wagon (again).

Is this how the rest of my school year is going to be? Eat well until the end of the week then going hog wild? I wonder how I can break the pattern.

This week, unsurprisingly, I gained a pound.

Spiralling Down the Abyss of Binge Eating!

Someone help me!

I’m stressed, overwhelmed, sleep-deprived, and sapped of spirit and energy. When I return home after these past two days of internship orientation, I eat candy, chips, and crackers instead of preparing dinner. My house is in disarray. I’m not going to blame anyone. It’s my fault. I won’t get too down on myself, because I am not perfect. Now is the time to gather my strength and get back on the wagon. Strategize, strategize, strategize! Ly had bought tons of potato chips from Costco last week. Although he promised that he would take it to work, it is still here. Don’t get angry. Just calmly put the potato chips in his car so he will not forget. And if he leaves it in the car over the weekend? Throw it into the garbage? We’ll see.

My weakness has been this feeling of exhaustion, which is occurring much more frequently lately since I do not have the freedom to take a nap in the middle of the day. I would like to take a walk during lunchtime to re-energize, but I need to pump milk instead, so I’ll walk after the internship instead of not cooking dinner and watching T.V. while snacking.

Other weaknesses…

Oh, I have forgotten how dangerous the office environment is to dieting. Those bagels and donuts! What to do? What to do?

God. Please, please, give me the strength to get through this stressful time of my life without turning to food anymore!

On a positive note: I was able to exchange my son's bike for a smaller one (Thank you WalMart’s 90-day guarantee on their cheap products!), and we were able to take Hunter biking around Lake Margret (a man-made lake in the city park where my parents' live) during Labour Day weekend. Holiday fun!

Additionally: I lost 1.5 lbs this week, making the total lost this month 3.5 lbs.

Crash

When I checked my weight, I discovered that I gained a pound, so I was both disappointed and in investigative mode throughout the morning. What did I do? How can I improve? Etc. etc. On top of it all, I was queasy after being nauseous and throwing up last night. With being preoccupied, disappointed, and queasy, I only ate bread and crackers for breakfast. Then I set out to develop my plan of attack so that my downward trend would continue. I re-visited the past week and the only thing I can think of was that I was snacking too much. Since I was on my period and I had favoured salty snacks, the pound could possibly be water retention. But I figured I should probably get my butt into gear and figure out the world of numbers and calories. Currently I haven’t figured out my calorie intake for fat loss, nor have I ever in my life counted calories. I was hoping to get by without doing it, but I figure it’s the most effective way to lose weight. I did a lot of researching on the Internet and figured that with breastfeeding my BMR was 2121-2421, and my fat loss range was be 1253-2037. Yay breastfeeding for allowing me to keep my calorie intake up! I re-read all the information I knew before about weight loss and breastfeeding: aim for slow weight loss and that I needed extra calories to keep my energy up so that I can take care of the kids. As I read I thought, “I’ll never let myself do that!” Get rundown that is. After an incident with my first-born, I made sure I had a steady stream of calories coming in when I breastfed (although, lately I haven't been doing so well). Ironically, after exclaiming that I wouldn’t, I did. During lunchtime, I only ate 1 cup of chicken noodle soup. I wasn’t that hungry and I was still concerned about getting nauseous, and maybe a little part of me wanted to rectify the pound I gained. Wrong move. At the checkout, with two kids in tow, I experienced a crash of energy depletion. During breastfeeding this crash is far more sever then if I wasn’t. It comes fast and out of nowhere. Suddenly, too much was happening at one time. An elderly couple were kindly poking fun at my son. My son was begging for candy. There was a misunderstanding, so the cashier and the manager were demanding answers from me. My ability to focus and function was faltering, and my hands shook as I struggled for the emergency granola bar in the diaper bag. Afterwards, I started snacking like crazy on crackers I just bought to return my energy reserves, but it was already too late. I was rundown and irritable the whole time I drove home, gave my kids a snack, and put them to nap, causing me to be short and unfair with my son. I hate it like this. I vowed again that this would never happen. Maybe counting calories would be a good thing. To keep track so I wouldn’t over and under eat.

Update: Reading my past posts, I realized that I had a misunderstanding about BMR. I just want to clarify what that misunderstanding was before I mislead an unsuspecting dieter. BMR is Basil Metabolic Rate. It is the minimum calories required to maintain regular body functions. During this post (and another one), I had thought BMR was the daily caloric intake to maintain your weight. Sorry for the confusion.

Weight Loss is Weird

The phenomenon of weight loss mystifies and confuses me. I was expecting to not loose any weight this week and maybe gain some, considering all the guests and food that the annual family reunion brings. But, quite the contrary. I lost again! One pound. Part of me thinks that the pounds will show up next week and that the loss was a fluke. But for now, I’m giddy with the happiness that someone might feel when he or she dodges a bullet.

Yesterday, my husband granted me whatever I wanted if I reached my goal weight. I told him that I was planning to give myself a weekend spa trip if I did that. He was shocked that I would want something so inexpensive for such an accomplishment. I told him to not worry about it, since I plan to gift myself for every little thing.

Starting School…

I’m going back to school, so life has gotten a lot busier and will get busier even still. That means my posts should become less frequent. But weight loss will continue to be my top priority. I just need to figure out how I can fit it in with the ever-increasing workload. I have gotten use to “making” time for exercise, so I know it will be a given. It’s just the other stuff I haven’t figured into my life. I know I want to cook as often as I can. I also know that I want to continue blogging. I think three will be my magic number. Cook three times a week. Blog three times a week. Does that sound good? We’ll see.

By the way, I lost a pound this week. My husband says I look healthier. I’m so happy.

Weekly Weigh-in

I lost 1 pound this week. I’m glad because it’s a gradual lost. I was happy that I lost 4 pounds last week, but I knew it was too much at once. Although I’m glad, I’m also disappointed. Since I was losing so much lately I was expecting another large lost. Guess not. It’s okay.

All my feelings seem to contradict and fight each other that in the end I just feel neutral.

Lost 6 Pounds in 2 Weeks

Today’s my weigh-in. I had decided that Wednesday’s would be my weigh-in. Two weeks ago, it was the day after my husband had confronted me with overwhelming concern over my pattern of eating, and it was the day I decided to put weight loss as my top priority. It just so happen to start with a W so it’s easy for me to remember. Wednesday’s weigh-in.

Anyways. I lost 6 pounds since I started two weeks ago… I don’t know how to feel. I feel shocked mostly, because I didn't think I was changing my eating patterns yet. I must have been changing them inadvertently since I'm recording and being more aware of what I ate. My husband was so happy for me. It makes me proud, but I’m not exactly jumping up and down with joy. I’m sceptical. I tell myself that this is only temporary. Yesterday, I had thrown away my belt because it was too big for me and it was falling apart anyways, so I’m wearing my husband’s belt. But I’m still wearing my pre-pregnancy pants when I weighed 160. They’re too big for me. Without a belt my shorts fall off past my hips. But I can’t bring myself to put them away or buy new clothes. I keep telling myself that my weight loss is temporary and that if I buy new pants I will be wasting my money. Am I being resistant to change?

On a different note... I tried a longer workout routine on Monday. I didn’t care for it. It’s not as easy to squeeze in an hour and a half in my day, as it was for an hour. I think I’ll rather workout more frequently throughout the week.