Re-Start

Thank you Token Fat Girl for bringing me back from the dead. Her comment reminded me that I still have this blog and thinking about weight loss again.

Okay. So I’ve moved, but not really. I’m currently staying at my parents’ house and my life has turned upside down with disarray. All of our belongings are in boxes, I’ve started to work, and we’re working on our house at the same time. This moving thing really sucks. As a result I’m eating and eating and have no idea how much I weigh, because the scale is packed away somewhere. I had tried weighing on my sister’s scale, but the number was just so large that I decided that it sucked and refused to weigh myself until I got my old scale back. Unfortunately, at the rate we’re going, that won’t be anytime soon. What was suppose to be three weeks at my parents’ has turned into two months, and I’m tired of putting my life on hold, so tomorrow I will be weighing myself using my sister’s scale.

Exercise-wise, I haven’t been doing that much better. I’ve stopped weight training all together, but I still go biking. I love it. Listening to my music and daydreaming as I wiz by breath-taking scenery. Nothing gets better than that. But I do know I should probably reintroduce strength training back into my life (yuck). I will be looking at my schedule and see where I can put it in. With everything going on, I don’t know where to start.

Paperwork Anxieties

We will most definitely move. Yesterday I worked all day researching the law and putting together paperwork for the renters to sign in the evening. Oh, the anxiety! I really wished we had enough money to hire a lawyer. I really wished I had more time. I really hope that it doesn’t bit us in the ass somewhere down the line. Anyways, it’s done now. They’ve signed and it is official. Yet, I am still anxious.

The strange thing about anxiety is that I am oblivious to eating. I have no urge to eat my meals, but if Teresa leaves her crackers on my desk, I will definitely munch on it. And I don’t forget to take breaks for chocolate.

Orange Sunday and Southwestern Bean Dip

I hosted a Superbowl Party on Sunday. Before that, my mother-in-law gave us a bag full of her homegrown sour oranges. And you know what they say when life gives you sour oranges make orange something, and that’s what I did for my party. Here was my menu.

Appetizer: Southwestern bean dip with chips
Salad: romaine lettuce with ORANGE vinaigrette
Main: ORANGE vinaigrette chicken with wild rice
Dessert: ORANGE bread

When I watch Iron Chief, I always thought it would be fun to make a three-course meal incorporating one ingredient. Now I done it, and it WAS fun. However, by the end of the evening I was oranged out, and my acid reflux was none too happy with it.

Not surprisingly, the big hit of the party was the bean dip, the only thing on the menu that didn’t have orange. Originally, I had intended to make it using a recipe from Eating Well, but I ended up omitting half of the ingredients and adding more of what I did use for compensation, coming up with a whole different recipe. I thought I would share it here:

Southwestern Bean Dip

1 16-ounce can refried beans
4 scallions, sliced
1/2 cup prepared salsa
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
2 plum tomatoes, chopped
1 medium avocado, chopped

1. Combine refried beans, scallions, salsa, and chili powder in a medium bowl. Transfer to a shallow 2-quart microwave-safe dish; sprinkle with cheese.
2. Microwave on High until the cheese is melted and the beans are hot, 3 to 5 minutes.3. Scatter with tomato and avocado.

Makes 6 servings. 198 calories, 12 g fat, 16.5 g carbs, 3.3 g fiber, 9.2 g protein

EatingWell also has a tortilla chip recipe that I used to accompany this dip and was delish.

Marshmallow's Contest

So I completed my fourth day of recording food in-take, and I went over my calorie range. This time however it wasn’t snacking that done me in, but the French bread I had for lunch. Damn you, carb-based foods! But the good news is I completed it.

In other news, Marshmallow has issued a contest with prizes! It’s a similar contest to Dietgirl’s in that I will be gathering pictures in a scavenger hunt. Wish me luck.

1. Something Brown - Is this low-fat turkey burger vegetable soup that I’ve made that surprisingly my whole family loves!



2. Something Orange - My favorite color! For this one, I didn’t search past my own blog. Here is my profile picture of an orange flower.



3. Something Purple - In high school my basketball jersey was purple, although I never was THIS sexy wearing it or ever will be no matter how much weight I lose. Well, maybe in my imagination.



4. A Marshmallow - This is the marshmallow monster from the movie “Ghostbusters."



5. Someone Sleeping - Sleeping beauty. A fellow blogger had noticed that we put our lives on hold for when we reach our target weight like sleeping beauty waiting for the prince, but life is worth living NOW! Very insightful.



6. A Cat - Garfield. He's fat and lazy like me!



7. The Letter M - M is for Mardi Gras, which will be this Tuesday.



8. The Letter W - Umm… W is for watch. Sorry, I lost all my creativity. If only I knew how to make those talk and thought bubbles!

Recording in Small Doses

Today’s the last day of recording, and it’s strange to say but I think I might miss it. I had stopped recording early December after recording for 9 straight months, because I was tired of it and at that point it felt useless. I was going over calories constantly and just didn’t care. So I decided to take a break, resuming January 1st. Well January 1st came, and nothing changed. It was still a drag. I managed to record for a whole week before giving up. But now it feels different. I’m actually enjoying myself and seeing the results of the day is fascinating for me for the first time in a long time. I’m not making my calorie range, but I am learning something. So far, I discovered that currently I am snacking too much. Every day the past three days I managed to overdo it. Very interesting. Here’s hoping that I’ve learned my lesson for the fourth day.

Animal

I went to a Filipino Christmas party recently and there were these Mexican deep-fried flour tortilla rolls that were pretty good. Actually, they were the only things at the party that were worth eating, but whoever brought it only brought a small amount. Not enough for everyone at the party to have one, and this was where my dilemma was. Instinctively I wanted to rush for seconds and maybe even thirds or fourths before they were all gone, but logically I should let everyone else have the rest so as much people as possible had a chance at it. I am reminded of the trouble I have with my Asian, non-Filipino friends and their opinions around sharing food. I had gotten into a lot of flack around eating all the good stuff before anyone else has had the chance. Filipinos, however, have always been indifferent to my greed. Actually, during a recent fiesta, I remember the party members swarming over the freshly made soup that the caterers brought out with no intention of leaving enough for everyone. At the time, I was somewhat irritated, because I had developed the habit of waiting patiently for my turn; my instinct to swarm with the rest was squelched by negative regard from the past. I start to think about communal animals in the wild. I don’t know much about them, but I’ve seen a few animal documentary shows. I imagine that wolves fight for as much of the shared food as possible, because those whom weren’t assertive ended up dead from starvation. I also imagine that monkeys have a different social order. I’ve seen documentaries where monkeys become outcasts because of their rude behavior and those who are without a community also end up dead. I know that we aren’t wild animals and I know that there is no scarcity of food, but I believe that there are some animal instincts left, especially with me. I sat at my table, eying that plate of tortilla rolls as the remaining disappeared one by one. I was pretty sure that no one would have cared that I went for seconds but still I remained seated, my greedy animal fighting with my ultraistic diplomat. Then the last roll disappeared and the internal fight disappeared with it and I wondered what the big deal was. I was so afraid that I would feel regret not eating seconds, but there were none. Actually, I felt quite proud. There would have been more regret if I had eaten more than I should have.

Bake-o-rama!

I’ve been inspired to be in the kitchen more lately. It’s good, because I’m introducing more variety in our meals. It’s bad, because I seem to favor baking over meal preparation. Baking is more fun and people are more appreciative of it. Also I recently discovered King Arthur White Whole Flour.

It’s supposed to act and taste like white flour but with the goodness of whole grain, so I’ve been itching to use it and give the results to others. So when they say “Yum!” I say “Ha, ha! It’s whole wheat!”

So far I’ve made gingerbread men, almond bundt cake, cornbread, and piecrust with it. Everyone enjoyed them and didn’t notice a thing.

Although I’m loving how everyone is enjoying something a tad healthier for them that I’ve made, I’m eating way too much of my own creations. The almond bundt cake was supposed to be for my daughter’s birthday party for over 30 guests, but was ruined because I didn’t flour the pan and a part of it stuck. So it was left in our house for only my family of four to eat. It was suppose to serve 16, and I must have eaten 75% of it.

The gingerbread men were made because Hunter kept harping for me to make some. (Stupid kindergarten with their multiple stories about gingerbread men.) When a friend was coming over to visit I thought it would be an excellent opportunity to make them and not eat too much of the finished product. The recipe made TWENTY cookies. My friend only ate one, and the kids lost the urge to eat them after the first few. They sat in the breadbox, until finally Teresa and I finished them off. I must have eaten 10 of those twenty cookies.

The cornbread I brought to a housewarming. That went well, since I left the remaining bread at the party. So lesson learned. If I plan to make something make sure I have some place to off load it. One exception to the rule would be the pumpkin pie and piecrust that I made with The New American Cookbook.

The kids and I liked it. Ly didn’t. The crust was too unusual, and he complained of an aftertaste in the filling itself. I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about, because I didn’t get an aftertaste. I wonder if it’s the canola oil. The recipe asked to reduce the pumpkin in a pan of canola oil. Maybe it’s the All Spice. However the crust did taste unusual. It definitely had a canola oil taste to it, but it still tasted good to me. Anyway, it was one dessert that hardly made a dent in calories. I ate THREE slices first day of leftovers. I was expecting to be way over calories for the day, but when I entered it I pleasantly discovered I was not. This knocked me off my feet! I’ve made cinnamon bread and banana bread with similar calories per serving (not the same fat however), but I noticed that when I ate the pie I actually became so full that I didn’t feel like eating anything else. The breads took more for me to become full. Also I didn’t eat all three pieces of pie in one sitting like I would with bread. I have a theory about this and it has something to do with sugar. I’ll explain it another time for fear this post will become a book. Anyway, it’s definitely one pie I wouldn’t mind keeping around the house. At the same time it’s one pie I wouldn’t make for anyone else but for the kids and myself. For Thanksgiving I used a different pie recipe with real crust.



I did however used low fat evaporated milk and two egg whites and one egg rather than the two eggs that the recipe called for. My in-laws loved it. With the white whole-wheat flour in the crust, I felt like a successful thief. “Ha ha! It’s whole wheat AND lower in fat!”

What I Need to Do

I discovered that I gained two pounds! Yet, I’m not feeling a great urgency to do better. I’m bummed and my motivation is low.

I don’t want to gain the weight back. I came up with a list of things I need to do to get back on the wagon.

1. Stop eating impulsively.
2. Sit down and focus when I eat.
3. Keep myself from getting overly hungry.
4. Calm myself if do I let myself get too hungry.

The Busyness

I’ve been busy, and I’m hoping that this will be the start of some non-busy/hectic time. Ly has just finished the bathroom and although he was anxious to start another project he agreed to hold off until spring for my sake. There’s only so much chaos I can handle at a time. Teresa’s big birthday celebration has pass so there’ll be more downtime until Christmas. No, I’m not stressing about Thanksgiving. As long as our house is too small, I do not foresee hosting such an ambitious occasion. And if I were to do so, I’m sure my mother-in-law will joyfully cook everything for us.

The week of October 21 to 27th I took up a challenge with Ms. Kelly to exercise five times. Sadly, I was one day short of completing that challenge, but I’m sure it would have been far less if I hadn’t taken it up. Here’s a rundown of that week.

Sunday: This day was the Trung’s rehearsal luncheon, and we still didn’t have a working bath. We went to my parents’ house to use their shower. I totally didn’t feel like it, but I used the opportunity exercise with Charlene Prickett: Crazy for Step DVD, knowing that opportunities to exercise in the coming week would have been slight.

Monday: This was when I had caught wind of the challenge. I called up Ly and asked him to come home early so that I can exercise with Charlene Prickett’s Low Impact, High Intensity DVD again.

Tuesday: I went to a Step and Sculpt group exercise class at my gym. I liked it, and I felt it was a perfect way to get someone to check my form as I lift weights without having to pay for a personal trainer. However, I did find the class too easy. I went to the class one other time the week before, and I discovered that I was the only one bouncing about as if I was made of energy. This time I used two risers so that I can actually get a workout. I’ve never used two risers before! I was scared that I would look overly ambitious and silly to everyone else, but I did perfectly fine. I’m feeling mighty proud of this accomplishment, remembering that I use to be like everyone else in the class, struggling with only one riser. I’m pretty sure that this wasn’t only accomplished by increased fitness. It’s a lot easier to move about with less weight.

Wednesday: This was a planned day of rest.

Thursday: I asked Ly to come home early, but we ended up arguing about who’s not putting what away. So he didn’t come early as expected. If he had the decency to tell me that he would blatantly come home late (way pass the time he would come home on a normal day) I would have tried to exercise with Teresa. Although I don’t appreciate her compulsion to grab my legs as I dance about the living room, it would have been better than not exercising. Jogging with her in the jogging stroller was out of the question because of my recent bout of plantar fasciitis. And I know that a lot of moms would tell me to exercise during her nap, but it never works out. Last week when I tried to exercise while she slept, she woke up early and wouldn’t stop whining and grabbing my leg until I lied down with her until she fully woke up. Mind you, I was in a middle of a workout so my heart rate was crazy elevated. Not a good feeling to have to lie down at that state.

Friday: I went on a field trip with Hunter’s class. Hunter’s school is actually 45 minutes away at my in-law’s city. We were back from the field trip at 1:45pm, but we were also planning to go to the school carnival at 6 pm. During this waiting time, we spent it at my in-law’s where I decided to exercise. I did 30 minutes of Shape Cardio Workout: Bikini Body All Year-Round DVD and a routine with a strength band. I felt very self-conscious and guilty that I was working out at my in-laws. I was practically speeding through the routine.

Saturday: This was Trung’s wedding day. Ly went early in the morning, since he was a groom’s man, but the kids and I weren’t expected until the western-style ceremony at 4pm. I was feeding the kids breakfast and trying to plan my day so that it would include exercise, when Ly called and announced a change of plans. They had wanted Hunter, whom was one of the ring bearers, to join the wedding early. That was also when I discovered that the rental place had given Hunter shoes that were two sizes too small. So my plans were shot, seeing as how I needed to drive all around the Bay Area, searching for shoes Hunter’s size and chasing after a wedding party that was on the move.

So there’s the week of the challenge. The week after the challenge, exercise had been abysmal. I’m not jumping on opportunities to exercise as I use to, using more and more excuses not to exercise. Not good. Just the other day, we returned from a luncheon at 3pm, but I procrastinated until 5pm to exercise when normally I would exercise as soon as I returned home. I’m tired of my workout DVDs. I’m also not planning my workout as well as I used to.

Since and because of Halloween, eating has also been abysmal. I need to stop sneaking chocolate whenever I can. It doesn’t help that I had been stressing and having difficulties finding my priorities. On the day of Teresa’s birthday party, I sat at the end of my bed with my head in my hands unable to think of what my next step should be. So, I decided to watch TV and waste time instead. Now that all of the deadline stuff has passed, I’m in this unfocused stage of wandering about, not knowing what to do next. There is still non-deadline, pressing stuff to deal with, but I’m having difficulties with figuring out a plan. My weight loss efforts seemed to also wander about with everything else, and I’m having a hard time trying to figure it’s place in my life. My buying a new scale has also fuelled the confusion. It weighs heavier than my old scale by quite a bit, so I don’t want to take it seriously.

The Joy of Meal Preparation

One of my favorite cooking shows is Barefoot Contessa, mainly because it offers me a glimpse of a fantasy lifestyle where one lives in a beautiful mansion, visit quant stores to pick up ingredients, and entertain (mostly well-mannered adults) in a cosy but elegant setting. There’s something tremendously peaceful about Ina Garten as she brings attention to the lush sights and sounds of preparing a meal. She makes preparing for company seem peaceful and enjoyable, unlike the hustle and anxiety of what is real for me. I know with my kids and income, I can never live Ina Garten’s life, but I would like to strive for it more.

Living to Feel Good enjoys her life. Her name (which is the same name as her blog) says it all. She writes about stuff that she enjoys. Not high intensity, crazy stuff that my cousins and friends (before they had kids) think is “enjoying life”. The simple stuff. The stuff I would normally miss, because I’m too much in my head. Recently she wrote about her excitement over preparing the Thanksgiving meal. I can't imagine ever being excited over preparing a meal, and it reminded me of the life I wished I had.

I would like to entertain more. I mean voluntarily prepare a meal for guests. Normally, I’m cornered to do it, Ly inviting his co-workers to our house and friends and family visiting out of the blue. I would actually like to NOT make something on the fly, while the kids demand, the husband leaves things on the kitchen counter, and the house still needs cleaning. I would like to make something delicious that my guests would wonder why they would ever consider going to a restaurant again. I would like to live a cosy but elegant life. And like all my dreams, I should probably start small.

Prioritizing

Our house has been chaotic and busy lately. Ly is working on the bathroom with the only bath. Additionally there are tools, construction materials, and debris in the hallway and by the entrance. The kids are leaving toys on the floor in every room. Ly isn’t bothering to put away his things, which seems to happen more frequently when the house is in disarray. Additionally, Ly’s good friend Trung’s wedding is right around the corner, and having Ly and Hunter a part of the wedding party has monopolize a lot of our time. On top of that, there is Teresa’s upcoming birthday party that needs my attention. With these things vying for our time, a lot of things that still needs to get done on a regular basis is not getting done. Right now, laundry is a pressing matter. We are at a point were we are sending Hunter to school with dirty pants. Ly was concerned regarding what others would think about us as parents. I felt we were in desperation mode, which means “others” can suck it.

Today I left Trung’s bachelor’s party early, since the kids were geared to destroy Trung’s sister’s museum-like home. Additionally, I didn’t want to be around when the strippers came. And, come on! Why the hell were the kids and I at a bachelor’s party in the first place?! I’ve really got to learn not to say yes to every invitation that comes my way.

As I was driving home, I was actually anxious and looking forward to starting the laundry, when I started to think about grocery shopping. I haven’t gone grocery shopping in TWO WEEKS! I had planned to do it this week, but I needed to use my kid-free days to work on the bathroom and complete my TB screen so that I can go to Hunter’s upcoming field trip. And I couldn’t get any errands done when Teresa was around, since the car left to me had no backseat to put the car seat in with Ly using it to store backer board. I could probably make it another week, but many essentials had already run out, and I longed for fresh ingredients. It was a tough decision, but I decided to go to the grocery store. We’re going to have to “wing” something, and I rather it be our clothing than our food.

Self-Medicating on Chocolate

I gained 0.9 lbs this week. Although I know I can shrug it off as “fluctuation”, I don’t think it is. I’ve been trying to weigh daily again after I discovered Google 15, which creates a trend line. It’s difficult making it a habit and I’m thinking of abandoning it again, but from what little I’ve gathered, the trend is definitely going up. Another thing that I know is that I’m definitely eating too much chocolate. I had hoped that abstaining for two weeks would help me get a handle on it, since it helped when I did it for Lent, but I was wrong. My difficulty could be because of the season. Lent leads to warmer weather. After my recent break from chocolate there was just more cold weather. I’m thinking that the colder weather could be making me depressed, and I may be using chocolate as an anti-depressant. My therapist back at school had suggested I was doing this, and she may have a point. She had suggested that I take a “real” anti-depressant. I thought she was making mountains out of molehills. I know I’m still green in the mental health field, but I’m almost certain that my “depression” is hardly enough for medication. My life is not disrupted enough by it, and since I’m not morbidly obese nor diabetic, tempering my chocolate addiction doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to get tied up in the system and all it’s troubles. So medication is out of the question, but I still need to figure out how to deal with it without falling off the wagon.

See Food 2

Sarah has asked again to see what I eat. It was easier to remember the camera this time, since I had practice last time. I would of posted this yesterday, but the Internet was on the fritz. This time, I decided to include pictures of my snacks in the hopes that it would show a more accurate representation of what I truly ate on a regular basis, but I still think this is a poor representation. I realized now that the idea of showing the blogging weight loss community what I eat has inadvertently made me make stellar food choices.

Wednesday

Breakfast: chicken sausage, oatmeal with strawberries, and strawberries.

There was a gloomy overcast this morning, and it was a bit chilly. This is the first time in a long time that I felt like eating oatmeal for breakfast. Interestingly, eating a warm breakfast actually lifted my spirits.

Lunch: charbroiled beef patty and gravy TV dinner
I went to a job fair after this meal. This was the first time I went out for an interview-type of ordeal. I was so nervous that I had to force myself to gulp down this unappetizing meal.

Snack: Laughing Cow Cheese on whole wheat toast and grapes
After the job fair, I discovered that I had nothing to be nervous about. I felt hungry on the drive home and ate this on arrival, although I really felt like eating Fiber One Oats and Chocolate Chewy Bar. Alas, I had sent them with Ly to bring to work earlier this day so there were none to eat. You may be wondering why I had taken this particular item out of the house, since it’s healthy with very little chocolate. At the state that I’m in, these types of food are what I consider to be “gateway chocolate”. I eat it and it wets my appetite for more, causing me to embark on a quest for the “real” not-so-good-for-you stuff.


Dinner: breaded pork chop with country-style gravy, buttered mix vegetables, and white rice.
Ly has an issue with me cutting the bread crust off for the kiddies. He believes it’s a waste, but when I was little I didn’t eat bread with crust either and it seemed illogical to make the kids eat it also. So one day, to quell Ly’s sense of logicalness, I told him that the crust could be used for cooking. The first result of this compromise was this. Breaded pork chop. The problem with this dish however was that it was too bland for Ly since the breadcrumbs were whole wheat. Next time I will try to add more seasoning and see if that would work out better.


Thursday


Breakfast: poached egg and oatmeal with strawberries
I poached this egg using a microwave poacher. We were without one for a while, since I had accidentally overly nuked and melted the previous one into a pile of plastic and egg. Since it’s been a while, we had forgotten the perfect time and temperature where the egg comes out perfectly cooked on the outside with slightly undercooked yoke. Imagine my delight when I nailed this egg perfectly. 55 seconds at half power. Mmmm…


Lunch: chicken bake
This chicken bake is from the food court at Costco where the foods were made for giants. Since I’m not even of average height, I decided that I would only be able to eat half of the chicken bake without getting overly full. I have to decide this ahead of time, so that I can take a picture of what I would eventually eat. Unfortunately, it’s so hard to predict the future. I ate a little bit more of the chicken bake (picture not included). I also ate a few samples as we perused the isles. An Italian meatball and a biscotti (pictures not included). The biscotti was so yum. Not yummy enough to buy however. I did have a strong urge to buy chocolate, but I didn’t.

Dinner: chicken bake, buttered mixed vegetables, strawberries, and grapes
I ate dinner earlier than normal, because we needed to leave the house at 6pm to make it to Hunter’s Back to School Night. I wasn’t so hungry, so I ate a small dinner of leftovers.

Snack: All-Bran Crackers with Laughing Cow Cheese.
Have you tried this? All-Bran Crackers are so yum! For the crackers pictured here you get 5 grams of fiber for only 130 calories! You’ld be hard pressed to find food that tastes this good with all that fiber.

Friday

Breakfast: oatmeal with strawberries, poached egg, and grapes
Since the eggs came out so good the other day, I decided to repeat it.

Lunch: rotisserie chicken, brown rice, buttered mixed vegetables.
The rotisserie chicken is from the grocery store. The kids love it as you can see. Here you have Teresa’s hand going for the chicken. As you can also see, I have finally gotten off of my lazy ass and made some brown rice. I've been intending to make small batches of brown rice for myself to mix with white. Since this would only be for me, I couldn't get myself to do it. Here the chicken was so flavorful, I didn't need to mix the brown with white.


For dessert, I made Teresa an ice cream cone. She got bored with it, so I ate what was left.

Snack: low-fat yogurt and butter biscuits.
Teresa was asking for cake, but we had none left. I figure butter biscuits were good enough and decided to have some for myself.

Dinner: steak, green beans, and mushrooms over rice noodles and strawberries with sugar.
I realized later this evening that this meal was too small, but by the time I realized this it was already bedtime and I didn’t want to have a bout of acid reflux. Ah! The trouble with trying to predict the future!

Hell is a Kitchen Full of Chocolate

I’ve eaten chocolate consistently for almost a week, and not just a serving a day, I mean 3-5 servings a day! I wonder if it’s possible to live off of one food. Maybe it is, but it sure feels nasty. My tongue has a terrible brown film over it and my lips are dry from lack of nutrients. I cycle between being excitable, irritable, and depleted of energy. Yet I keep on doing it. Other than that, my eating has been stellar. Vegetables, fruit, lean meats. Don’t know why I’m on this chocolate bend. I keep hoping that I’ll get sick of the stuff and stop. But it doesn’t seem likely. Once when I was in undergrad, I ate a whole box of chocolate. I became so sick that I was throwing up. Yet as soon as I was better, I started eating chocolate again. I should be enjoying myself. I mean, come on. Chocolate. Is there anything more enjoyable than chocolate? Yet I feel like I'm in hell.

Arguing Over Underwear

I haven’t started eating right yet. I'm saturated with chocolate cake and didn’t even feel like eating the stuff, but I ate 3 servings anyways, afraid that it would go bad and be a waste. What is wrong with me?

Ly and I had a “discussion” about it that flirted towards argument, but I kept it together. I heard him point out my character flaws and fought off defensiveness like I was hitting tennis balls against an opponent out to get me. Then we entered the mall and passed by the lingerie shop where I had bought sexy lingerie the other day (which I have never done in my life). I’m not sure if I should be buying any lingerie at all, seeing as how I will only gain the weight back and be unable to wear it. Never the less, Ly was so happy that I had done it that I guessed he wanted to prolong the experience and look around. He pointed out a garment he liked and I was ready to exchange the one I bought for that one, but he wanted both. I couldn’t understand the logic. The whole reason, I bought lingerie was because I wanted to have sex without becoming totally naked and hide my obvious imperfections. One very expensive garment that only one person will see would do quiet fine. But the reason he thinks I bought it was to add variety in the bedroom. Our personalities clashed yet again, and we got ourselves into an argument. Normally, I wouldn't be so bothered, but after our recent “discussion” I just fell into despair, wondering if Ly regretted ever marrying me.

"Do you like see food?"

Have you ever wondered what my meals looked like? Well Sarah from Living to Feel Good does, so I delivered!

9-4-07
Breakfast: Cheerios and Fiber One Honey Clusters cereal with skim milk, mango, and hardboiled egg.

Lunch: chicken chow mein, mix vegetables, and shrimp won ton soup.

Left over Chinese food from a party.

Dinner: shrimp salsa with tortilla chip crums and mango.

This evening we had a guest over and I also needed to help Hunter with his homework. I started the rice late for dinner and couldn't wait for it to finish, so I decided to eat this pathetic snack/meal in place of what everyone else ate. Needless to say, I slept hungry.









9-6-07
Lunch: turkey lasagna and squash soup

The squash soup was from my mother-in-law, but I made the lasagna with the help of Hamburger Helper. I also added frozen spinach and fresh broccoli.








9-7-07
Breakfast: Corn Bran Cereal with skim milk, hard boiled egg, and mango

Lunch: turkey lasagna and spinach salad with raspberry vinaigrette

Dinner: chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat English muffin and salad with raspberry vinaigrette













9-8-07
Breakfast: blueberry pancake with syrup and hard-boiled egg

As you can see I eat a lot of hard-boiled eggs. The kids love it, and we boil a batch for them at the time so that they're always around.

Dinner: cheeseburger macaroni and corn on the cob.











It was actually kind of tough getting myself to take pictures of my food. I’ve done it before back when I first purchased my camera and wanted to use it ALL THE TIME. It was a useful tool to remind me of what I ate. However since I’m no longer honeymooning with my camera, it was easier for me to forget to use it this time around. But I delivered. Nine meals. Ideally they should have been three days worth, but this is close enough. I’m especially missing meals where I went out to eat or ate at a picnic. I wonder if it was coincidence or subconsciously intentional.

Never the less, I do not believe that this is an accurate representation of what I ate, since it’s missing pictures of what I eat during get-togethers, which tend to be overly indulgent. Additionally, I did not show what I ate as snacks, which are more than likely to be considered not too good for me than my meals.

A Night of Decadence

My sister-in-law Ruth is a general manager at a restaurant, and as family we can eat there for free. A family friend is in town, so they decided to take her to Ruth’s restaurant for a night of decadence. We ordered A LOT for the sheer sake of ordering a lot. I became full after the appetizers, and I did something that I’ve never done before. I asked the waitress to put my food in a to-go box, before it came out. It felt odd doing this and I couldn’t help noticing half the table noticing me. I hate being scrutinized. I don’t like people noticing me doing something out of character, especially in an effort to improve myself, because there might be a day when I fall back to the way I was and they will think, “I knew it”.

So when it came time for dessert, I participated even though I didn’t feel like eating dessert. I also did this just in case I wanted to eat dessert when it did come out. In the end I had too much sugar and felt sick. I also did the standard berating-myself-for-again-falling-under-social-pressure after dinner routine.

A Week of Intuitive Eating

I’ve been reading “Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating” by Geneen Roth, which I heard was an older edition of “Breaking Free From Emotional Eating”. Actually, I started a while ago but dropped it because of several reasons:

1) I had started reading it during my despair period when lost faith in myself, but I had gotten over it and no longer needed outside wisdom.

2) I had come across activities that the writer wanted me to complete. Because I tend to be exacting, I had wanted to do each activity before going on to the rest of the book. But I found the activities to be too demanding and overwhelming.

3) The new Harry Potter book came out, and I wanted to devote my reading time to that instead.

I continued reading “Breaking Free…” on Monday. Last week there were tons of family in town, therefore there were tons of get-togethers. I noticed that meal times together were scheduled later than regular times. Lunch at 2pm. Dinner at 8pm. This is probably because they were all waking up late from going out and staying up late every evening. As a highly regimented individual, this put me off, but I decided that I wanted to be more flexible and accommodating. Come Monday, after our last late-night get-together, I found myself eating breakfast at 10:30am! I had thrown myself off, but I couldn’t wait until an “appropriate” time. I told Ly of my dilemma and he said, “Why don’t you eat when you’re hungry?” What a concept, huh? And I started to think about Intuitive Eating and how Ly was a natural at it and how I wanted to live my life more like him and everyone else. So flexible and unrestricting. That was when I decided to continue reading “Breaking Free…”

That and because I had no idea how hunger felt like at its beginning stages and I was hoping that the book would describe it to me. Nope. She’s into the whole discover-things-for-yourself method. Which is not surprising coming from a be-in-touch-with-yourself technique like IE. She did, however, described methods of being more in tune with your hunger, which I tried to follow.

This time as I read the book, I decided to not follow it exactly. Instead I wrote down all the activities that I would someday like to do. Other than that, I was doing what I felt comfortable doing at the moment. I’m sure Geneen would have wanted it this way.

The most challenging concept was to remove distraction when eating. I found it easy to not watch TV or read when the family was in the house, because they were naturally distracting with their demands during meal times. And when they weren’t being distracting, it felt like a welcomed relief to not think of anything but my food. It was the day when the kids were at my in-laws did I found eating without distracting myself a challenge. It was lonely, and I couldn’t handle it. How pathetic, huh? There are others out there whom live alone, and I couldn’t handle one day of a quite house while I ate. So I sat myself down in front of the TV and watched until the loneliness went away. It was then that I was able to eat the rest of the meal in silence. Maybe someday, I will be more comfortable feeling the loneliness.

Last night, we had dinner at my in-laws’ and I discovered that practicing IE has helped me reach some kind of Zen-state when I ate. Things that made me react in the past didn’t this time. For one, I didn’t react to Linh noticing my eating habits. Normally, I would try to eat like everyone else when this occurs, but then I thought that she probably doesn’t think anything of it, because she has often embarked on her own eating habits. This was what was strange. I was able to think this all at the moment when usually I needed to reflect after the fact. It was as if time froze.

However, Ly’s incessantly offering me food did eventually bother me. There’s only so much Zen I can maintain. But I think I still did well, and I was more understanding of Ly’s behavior when in the past I would get angry with him. I was sitting and doing nothing for long periods of time, because the conversations at hand did not include me. It felt uncomfortable, and I would have been eating to fill it up but I was practicing IE. Ly probably felt uncomfortable at my discomfort, which was probably why he kept bothering me with food. This I was able to see, and I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t tapped into a different plane of eating.

Insatiable

If there were one word I would use to describe the month of August (so far) it would be “insatiable”. Not only eating-wise, but bedroom-action-wise also. This is strange for me since most of the time I’m a cold fish and last month was so cold I feared it would last until I got myself a therapist. Fortunately for Ly, it was not so.

I am a serious procrastinator and my life feels like there’s a constant drill sergeant to get me out of my funk. Growing up, my parents took on this role. Now that I’m married, Ly does. But there are still ways to procrastinate without retribution. You see. The funny thing about sex is that it is the one form of procrastination that Ly never puts over my head. Heck. For him there’s nothing more important than doing it.

Growing up, it was eating that I was allowed to do to procrastinate. I was a skinny child and my parents were concerned that I had very little appetite. So when I ate without being told (like say, to get out of doing homework or practicing the piano), they did a mini happy dance. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior also makes me fat. So I’m working at undoing it.

Another thing I noticed was that I tend to get in the sexual mood when I want to procrastinate but am not yet overwhelmed. If I do reach the point of overwhelm-ness, then eating is the only thing I like do. This is usually the time when family life starts to suck, so I should tackle my stress before it gets this far. Maybe I should take up meditation.

Control

Last year, after Ly and I had the heart-to-heart about me needing to lose weight, he gave me his support through and through. Unfortunately, that meant policing what I ate and telling me how to go about my losing the weight. Being a naturally defiant person, I rebelled and we had another heart-to-heart.

It’s impossible to lose weight without support, but what happens when the support you get is not working? When Ly and I sat down for heart-to-heart part 2, I outlined to him how he can help me, and you know what? He disregarded it. Well not exactly. He said he would try, and the policing died down but did not totally disappear. He still occasionally tells me not to eat so-and-so and when I can treat myself. So annoying, but I’m learning to ignore him and others like him. Before I tried desperately to control my environment to ensure my success, and when I failed I would get angry with everyone around me. I too am a controlling person and get irritated when my environment is sabotaging my efforts. Now, I think I’ve changed. I decided a while ago that I would stop trying to control everything and work on controlling myself. It’s a struggle, but I think I’m getting pretty good at it.

One thing I use to do was force low-fat food on the family, now I buy food for myself and food for them. On a recent trip to the grocery store, Hunter asked for me to buy Cheetos, which I have a tendency to binge on when it’s around. I thought, “Here we go again.” I didn’t even think that I wouldn’t get the Cheetos that is how much I have changed in mentality. If it were me last year, I would have said “no” right away, because I knew it was a “trigger” food. Then I thought, why struggle? So I did ended up saying “no”. He can get Cheetos another time. Controlling the situation when I can is also a good idea.