Animal

I went to a Filipino Christmas party recently and there were these Mexican deep-fried flour tortilla rolls that were pretty good. Actually, they were the only things at the party that were worth eating, but whoever brought it only brought a small amount. Not enough for everyone at the party to have one, and this was where my dilemma was. Instinctively I wanted to rush for seconds and maybe even thirds or fourths before they were all gone, but logically I should let everyone else have the rest so as much people as possible had a chance at it. I am reminded of the trouble I have with my Asian, non-Filipino friends and their opinions around sharing food. I had gotten into a lot of flack around eating all the good stuff before anyone else has had the chance. Filipinos, however, have always been indifferent to my greed. Actually, during a recent fiesta, I remember the party members swarming over the freshly made soup that the caterers brought out with no intention of leaving enough for everyone. At the time, I was somewhat irritated, because I had developed the habit of waiting patiently for my turn; my instinct to swarm with the rest was squelched by negative regard from the past. I start to think about communal animals in the wild. I don’t know much about them, but I’ve seen a few animal documentary shows. I imagine that wolves fight for as much of the shared food as possible, because those whom weren’t assertive ended up dead from starvation. I also imagine that monkeys have a different social order. I’ve seen documentaries where monkeys become outcasts because of their rude behavior and those who are without a community also end up dead. I know that we aren’t wild animals and I know that there is no scarcity of food, but I believe that there are some animal instincts left, especially with me. I sat at my table, eying that plate of tortilla rolls as the remaining disappeared one by one. I was pretty sure that no one would have cared that I went for seconds but still I remained seated, my greedy animal fighting with my ultraistic diplomat. Then the last roll disappeared and the internal fight disappeared with it and I wondered what the big deal was. I was so afraid that I would feel regret not eating seconds, but there were none. Actually, I felt quite proud. There would have been more regret if I had eaten more than I should have.