Monday, July 23, 2007
I use my blog as a tool to help me lose weight. I like to post everything that I think would help me come to understand myself, and sometimes it helps me re-think my thoughts. Regarding my mother post. I don’t actually believe that! I’m a highly edumacated adult soaking in all the media images of the modern world. All the ladies in the parenting magazine posing as mothers are thin, and so are the mother’s portrayed on T.V. In addition, my mother was thin when I was Hunter’s age. So was my mother-in-law. But sometimes my thoughts contradict my beliefs and even flies at the face of logic. It is my feelings that confuse everything. I have this tremendous guilt regarding my mother-ness, and a lot of the time my guilt creates illogical thoughts. Let me explain…
I am an inherently selfish person, which is a big no-no among Asians. When Ly and I first met and during the first year of our marriage, Ly wasn’t bothered by it, because he was an inherently giving person and didn’t expect others to return his generosity. It was when I had Hunter that my selfishness became an issue. I prioritized myself, and Ly was disgusted by my behavior. His favorite phrases at the time were “What kind of mother would do that?” and “What kind of mother are you?” He also constantly compared me to his perfect mother, whom has sacrificed so much for her family. Those days were so overwhelming that I toyed with the idea of running away, changing my identity, and starting a new childless life. Luckily, I decided to stick to it and discovered how to "appear” selfless, but inside I was still the same. Today I still believe that I should take care of myself before I take care of others, but at the same time I secretly wish that Ly would regard my mothering as highly as his own mother's. This causes me to get these bizarre thoughts every once in a while.
The good news is that blogging does help counter sabotaging thoughts. Today, Ly worked at home because he was sore from going on a 17-mile hike with his buddies over the weekend. He was irritable because of this and because the house was such a mess. I have a tendency to get overwhelmed when Ly’s out of town. Not only because I’m on my own with taking care of house and kids, but also because I spent most of my time at my parents’ house and out with my sisters. I had planned to have the house clean before he returned home, but I ended up shopping with Jen and he ended up returning home early. I felt tremendously guilty and contemplated decreasing my exercise routine from 5 days a week to 3. With the insights I have gained through blogging, I reasoned that I still had Ly’s full support in me exercising and that I had no reason to change anything. I should, however, cut back on things that he doesn’t approve of like, ummm… being on the Internet.
I fear no one’s opinion! I am knowledgeable, focused, and efficient. I make this priority and build from experience. I do this for my children and myself. Supported by love, I will persevere.