The Wagon Is Covered With Oil!

Boy! Have I fallen off the wagon! I’m not doing anything that I’m supposed to be doing. I’m not keeping track of my weight, my goals, my behaviour, and my food intake. I had wanted to continue cooking and blogging three times a week. That’s not happening. I’ve decided to aim for once a week cooking and twice a week blogging. I’m aiming to do something towards my weight lose every day.

Monday: revisit goals
Tuesday: blogging
Wednesday: weigh in
Thursday: go grocery shopping
Friday: cook dinner
Saturday: blogging
Sunday:

If I can keep this up for six weeks, I will gift myself.

The Biggest Loser Premier

Yesterday evening was the premier show of this year’s The Biggest Loser . I tuned in, but I was only half paying attention in the beginning because I also needed to get my stuff ready for tomorrow. Ly was watching it in my bedroom where I had left it running. I was downstairs when suddenly Ly calls out to me.

“What?” I say as I walk up the stairs. To my surprised he was standing at the top with Teresa, blocking my way.

“It’s true,” he says.

“What is?”

“That the most generous thing you can do for your family is to focus on your health.” He was quoting someone from the show, and it touched me. Almost brought a tear to my eye. No matter how much I complain about him to the whole world, no one is the most supportive of me. And I’m glad I have him at my side.

After everything was taken cared off, I tired to watch the rest of the show. And to be honest with you, I found it boring. I can’t seem to get attach to anyone, but then again it was the first show. Normally attachments take more time I think. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time to invest in it. Sorry “The Biggest Loser”. I think the next time I tune it would be to see the finale.

Clothes Shopping Fun

I went clothes shopping. I haven’t done that since when I was pregnant with Teresa and I needed something to wear for a party. But I couldn’t prolong it any longer. As I’m learning about the organization I’m interning, I’m thinking about the possibility of working here after I graduate. If that were the case, I would need to impress. It’s hard to impress when some of the clothes I wear look too baggy on me, so I decided to bite the bullet and head out to the mall. I went to New York & Company (formally known as Learner’s New York). New York & Company must be my most favourite place to shop. They have styles I like in the size that I am (girth-wise and height-wise).

Short on time, I went directly to the sales lady and told her specifically what I was looking for (boot-cut slacks). She directed me to some shelves and asked me what my size was. I honestly didn’t know. I did knew that I’ve been wearing size 16 and 18 and that I have lost some weight but I was still able to wear these sizes with a belt, so I guessed I was a size 12 or 14. She looked at me, incredulously, and guessed I was more 8 or 10. I was flattered, but I also knew that people have mistaken my weight/size before. She handed me a size 12 and encouraged me to try a size 10. I tried it and was able to close the clasp of the size 10, but I felt the size 12 were more comfortable. I was still happy though, knowing that I was able to at least get into a size 10 and that size 14 was too big for me. I left the store quite happy with two new slacks and a pear of jeans. When I returned home I spent a lot of time posing in front of the mirror, admiring my ass. It’s nice to have clothes that fit. If I’m lucky these clothes will become loose on me also in no time.

Eating Bad, Gaining Weight, Doing Okay

I wasn’t going to post today, being so tired and all, but because of such overwhelming concern for me from my new Internet friends (thank you by the way), I figured I should give an update. In a nutshell, I’m doing better. I think I was going through what my industry calls “transitional anxiety”. I feel like I’m over it now. Earlier this week, my husband and I got into an argument, but it was a good one. The type where I feel that I benefited and grown because of it. We hadn’t had that type of an argument in a long time. Ever since Teresa was born our arguments have been out of control mostly because I have been out of control. Well, I feel like I’m slowly coming back to my senses.

The food department is another story, however. It’s that time of the month, and I’m over-indulging in sweets and snacks (I’m especially craving chocolate). I’m not even trying to temper myself. Today, I went to a “cookie party” after internship with no intention of holding back and I didn’t. I need to get back on the wagon (again).

Is this how the rest of my school year is going to be? Eat well until the end of the week then going hog wild? I wonder how I can break the pattern.

This week, unsurprisingly, I gained a pound.

Spiralling Down the Abyss of Binge Eating!

Someone help me!

I’m stressed, overwhelmed, sleep-deprived, and sapped of spirit and energy. When I return home after these past two days of internship orientation, I eat candy, chips, and crackers instead of preparing dinner. My house is in disarray. I’m not going to blame anyone. It’s my fault. I won’t get too down on myself, because I am not perfect. Now is the time to gather my strength and get back on the wagon. Strategize, strategize, strategize! Ly had bought tons of potato chips from Costco last week. Although he promised that he would take it to work, it is still here. Don’t get angry. Just calmly put the potato chips in his car so he will not forget. And if he leaves it in the car over the weekend? Throw it into the garbage? We’ll see.

My weakness has been this feeling of exhaustion, which is occurring much more frequently lately since I do not have the freedom to take a nap in the middle of the day. I would like to take a walk during lunchtime to re-energize, but I need to pump milk instead, so I’ll walk after the internship instead of not cooking dinner and watching T.V. while snacking.

Other weaknesses…

Oh, I have forgotten how dangerous the office environment is to dieting. Those bagels and donuts! What to do? What to do?

God. Please, please, give me the strength to get through this stressful time of my life without turning to food anymore!

On a positive note: I was able to exchange my son's bike for a smaller one (Thank you WalMart’s 90-day guarantee on their cheap products!), and we were able to take Hunter biking around Lake Margret (a man-made lake in the city park where my parents' live) during Labour Day weekend. Holiday fun!

Additionally: I lost 1.5 lbs this week, making the total lost this month 3.5 lbs.

The Walls Are Closing In

I’m feeling overwhelmed, and school has barely started. Yesterday, Ly and I got into a fight over the house. He’s not happy. Because I can’t keep up with maintaining it, he’s taken it upon himself to help out. Now he feels he has no free time. I, on the other hand, appear to have tons of it. I exercise 5 times a week. I’m constantly on the computer. I have papers, binders, and books out, strategizing over losing weight. He’s right; I have too much time for myself. A long time ago (July 18 to be exact), my husband had kept me awake late into the night to express his concern over my health. I was overwhelmed (when am I not?), so I was snacking and eating treats as if my last day was the next. He gave me permission to place weight loss as my top priority, over the house and everything, and I took his word for it. Unfortunately, my efforts have morphed into a different form of escaping. Ly calls it “distraction.” Food was my escape in the past, but since I had replaced it with something else, then of course I’m loosing weight. Now that pressure’s up from all sides, I’m resorting back to my old habits. I’m sneak-a-snacking, where I use whatever time I can obtain to eat while no one’s looking. Since, the pressure is extreme, my efforts to hide it is quite inadequate. My husband caught me eating candy before going out to eat for my grandfather’s birthday. He treated me like a child, telling me what I can and cannot do. I hate him for it. Something’s got to give, and I have decided it would be my weight loss efforts. I’m not going to abandon it, but I am going to limit it. I’m going to put away my weight loss books and any new efforts, and I’m going to have to trust myself. Limiting blogging is quite problematic though, because I have tried and can’t seem to do it properly. I am using it as a distraction from the pressures of my life. But, I wonder...if I let it go a bit will I resort back to my old self? Eating uncontrollably?

Numbers, Numbers!

First, I would like to thank Kimberly and Marshmallow for all their support and knowledge as I venture into the unknown world of calories and calorie counting.

Second, I made a mistake in my last post. I meant that my BMR was 2121-2421. Not BMI. heh heh. I’m going to edit that entry before some unsuspecting reader thinks I’m crazy huge.

Third, AARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Recording sucks! I’ve recorded in the past, and hated it. I was hoping that recording calories would be easier and more efficient than what I recorded in the past, which was behaviour, FDA food group requirements, and portion size, but it’s not. It’s even harder! I have to play detective and figure out how many calories are in my food. Why is there no on-line calorie counter out there that has Filipino food?! I don’t even know what they’re called or what’s in them; how the hell should I know their calories? I talked about this with my husband before. My sister had joined Weight Watchers, but she had fallen out of it because she was discouraged of how difficult it was to calculate points for Filipino food. My husband said at the time, “If she really wanted to lose weight she would have taken the time to figure it out.” Now here I am in a similar situation, and I can rightfully say that it’s enough work to make me want to quit. It’s not like I have nothing else to do! I’m going to hold off on calorie counting for the moment and resume after I’ve settled into school and internship. I might even wait until winter break; it’s so much work! Until then…If there’s anyone out there that know of any resources that gives me the calories for Filipino and Vietnamese food please, please tell me. Ideally the resources would describe the food, because I have no idea what any of the rightful names are. I just call them “the pork dish”, “the pork and vegetable dish”, "sour fish", etc.

Thanks a bunch!

Update: Reading my past posts, I realized that I had a misunderstanding about BMR. I just want to clarify what that misunderstanding was before I mislead an unsuspecting dieter. BMR is Basil Metabolic Rate. It is the minimum calories required to maintain regular body functions. During this post (and another one), I had thought BMR was the daily caloric intake to maintain your weight. Sorry for the confusion.