Saturday, September 02, 2006
The Walls Are Closing In
I’m feeling overwhelmed, and school has barely started. Yesterday, Ly and I got into a fight over the house. He’s not happy. Because I can’t keep up with maintaining it, he’s taken it upon himself to help out. Now he feels he has no free time. I, on the other hand, appear to have tons of it. I exercise 5 times a week. I’m constantly on the computer. I have papers, binders, and books out, strategizing over losing weight. He’s right; I have too much time for myself. A long time ago (July 18 to be exact), my husband had kept me awake late into the night to express his concern over my health. I was overwhelmed (when am I not?), so I was snacking and eating treats as if my last day was the next. He gave me permission to place weight loss as my top priority, over the house and everything, and I took his word for it. Unfortunately, my efforts have morphed into a different form of escaping. Ly calls it “distraction.” Food was my escape in the past, but since I had replaced it with something else, then of course I’m loosing weight. Now that pressure’s up from all sides, I’m resorting back to my old habits. I’m sneak-a-snacking, where I use whatever time I can obtain to eat while no one’s looking. Since, the pressure is extreme, my efforts to hide it is quite inadequate. My husband caught me eating candy before going out to eat for my grandfather’s birthday. He treated me like a child, telling me what I can and cannot do. I hate him for it. Something’s got to give, and I have decided it would be my weight loss efforts. I’m not going to abandon it, but I am going to limit it. I’m going to put away my weight loss books and any new efforts, and I’m going to have to trust myself. Limiting blogging is quite problematic though, because I have tried and can’t seem to do it properly. I am using it as a distraction from the pressures of my life. But, I wonder...if I let it go a bit will I resort back to my old self? Eating uncontrollably?
I fear no one’s opinion! I am knowledgeable, focused, and efficient. I make this priority and build from experience. I do this for my children and myself. Supported by love, I will persevere.