Hungry

I felt so hungry today and unfulfilled. I also noticed that my lips are dry. I think maybe I should eat more nutritious foods, but I totally don't feel like it. I wonder if I'm just not eating enough. I'm definitely urging something else than the boring stuff I've been eating lately. Today, I ate California rolls as a snack. I felt totally bad about that. I ate 8 pieces, when I set out to only eat 4. In the end, it turned out okay. I still stayed within my calorie range.

Buffet…on Good Friday?

You heard correctly! On the day that we Catholics are suppose to be fasting no less. Although what a Catholic means about fasting is hardly what other religions consider to be fasting. For Catholics, we are supposed to only have one full meal and two optional snacks. Never the less, I find it impossible to eat this little and not be cranky and I don't want my unhappiness to affect the happiness of those around me. But my husband always observes it. This year was no different from any other year. He comes home from work and all he’s eaten was popcorn, so he was cranky. He says, “Let’s go to Sweet Tomato.” Which is a salad bar, a buffet with very little meat options. Perfect for someone who can’t eat meat. I was totally not wanting to go, because although I don’t want to fast, I still wanted to aim for the low end of my calorie range as a weak observance of the day. I should have said no, but my initial reaction was to do whatever my husband wanted. When it suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t want to go, he was already getting the kids ready to go. I voiced my protest, which pissed him off. “Do you not want to go or not?” he demanded, irritated. And a little too loudly, in my opinion. I know if I said no, he would be pissed off for the rest of the night, so I said I did. Now I’m totally resenting him. I have not mastered the buffet yet; so, needless to say, I went over in calories yesterday, breaking my streak. I’m totally disappointed in myself. Wished I done things differently.

From Wino to Wine Taster

I gave up chocolate for Lent, and amazingly I haven't eaten any since Fat Tuesday. With Easter just around the corner, I went to buy chocolate at Trader Joe’s. And not just any chocolate. The high quality, dark chocolate kind. As I re-introduce chocolate back into my life, I would like to change my relationship with it. Usually, I would be to chocolate as winos are to alcohol. Any kind would do, as long as there is a lot of it. I have been known to eat chocolate that was a year old! And let me tell you, it’s not worth the calorie intake. Starting Sunday will be a new kind of chocolate lover! The type that appreciates the taste of good chocolate. I would like to become a wine taster type of chocolate eater! That is my goal. But I’m not fooling myself. I know it’s going to be tough. When I went to Trader Joe’s with the intention of buying just one bar, I had a crazy instinct to buy all kinds of chocolate. Then when I bought that extra large bar, I thought that it wouldn’t be enough. With any other food, it would be different, and that is proof that I am a chocoholic. I know an addict can never have just one, but I also know of an addict whom was able to do it. I want to be another one who can.

Ten Pounds

I’ve decided to try to weigh myself on a daily basis. I have heard a long time ago that it was more effective towards losing weight, but I never did it because I didn’t want to get obsessed by it. Then I thought that it takes a certain personality to get obsessed by things like that, and although I do have short spurts of obsession, I think I will be okay.

Although, I will be weighing myself on a daily basis, I will only report my weight on a weekly basis, so today’s the day I report. 137 lbs was how much I weighed. I was skeptical when I read those numbers, because according to them I had broken through 140 lbs, which I wasn’t able to do before when I started this blog.

Okay, let be bring you up to speed on my weight loss journey (if you are a new reader or sporadic, like myself). When I started this blog I was 150 lbs, then I lost 10 lbs, then school started and I gained 10 lbs. And here I am again losing 10 lbs, except this time I lost a bit more than 10 lbs. 17 lbs to be exact. I should be excited, but I’m skeptical. I tried on my jeans, the ones I bought when I lost the 10 lbs the first time. When I gained weight again, I wasn’t able to button it, but now that I lost again I can. Except it still a little tight, when it should be fitting perfectly. So I don’t know how to take this news. Should I be happy?

On other news… I’m getting really good at keeping within my calorie range. Today’s the 12th day in a row that I was able to do this! Yay, me!

Sports Watch

Yes! I did it! I recorded my calorie intake for a whole month! Today’s the first of the month, and as promised I will gift myself a prize for maintaining within my calorie range. For the month of March, I got myself a sports watch battery.

“Sports watch battery? What about the watch?” you may be asking me.

Let me explain…

Two years ago my husband received a sports watch from my sisters as a Christmas present. They bought it on sale from Sportsmart (a discount sports store), and no wonder. It didn’t work. Since it was bought on sale from a discount store, we couldn’t exchange it for one that did work. My husband and I concluded that the watch’s batteries were either dead or the watch had mechanical issues. There was a warranty, but we didn’t know if the reason it didn’t work was because of a dead battery, something that the warranty did not cover. If we had mailed it in, we would have lost money on shipping charges. I suggested that we buy a battery, but he didn’t like the idea of wasting money on a battery that might not work, if the problem was the watch itself. Additionally, my husband didn’t even like how the watch looked. He believed that it looked too feminine and preferred to not invest time or money on it. So the watch was given to me, but I couldn’t justify spending the $10 on a battery when my husband believed it was a bad idea. If I bought a battery and it didn’t work, I would get gruff about it for a long time (my husband’s a cheapskate). So there it stayed, useless in the top drawer of my dresser.

Then, last week, I finally decided to buy a battery for it. I decided to use the money I would earn through this reward system that I set up. I can do whatever I want with that money. If I decided to take that money and throw it out the window, it would be okay. So if my husband gives me any gruff, I can say that the money I spent on it was reward money and he wouldn’t be able to say anything after that.

Lucky for us all, it worked! and I get a new sports watch!

I totally adore it! Not only does it tell time, but it tells the date, has a stopwatch, has a daily alarm, has hourly chime, is water resistant up to 300 ft, and has night vision backlight. Nice. I tried it on for the first time today. I used it to time my jog and to remind me to take my meds before lunch and dinner. I also plan to use it to time my laps when I swim. I posted a picture of it up here. According to epinions.com, it could have cost somewhere between $40-80! So it was a bargain at $10.

The Shark and the Aristocrat

I didn’t think it would be possible, but I think I’m getting use to eating treats in moderation.

If you have read my blog in the past, you would know that I like to use analogies about me and my snack attacks. And one description I have of myself when I snack is one of a shark. Mostly because I seem to engulf everything with my eyes closed. Lately, I’ve been doing the exact opposite. I’ve been eating like an aristocrat. When I have a treat, I would savor the flavor, and then move on. I feel so proud of myself!

Let’s hope that this will last.

Badminton, Indian Buffet, and Awards Earned

Last weekend I played badminton with my hubby. I didn’t even play for the whole time, and I ended up being sore for three days after! It was fun, though. The type of exercise that you look forward to. I plan to play badminton whenever my husband’s guy friends drop out and whenever my mom can take care of the kids. We’ll be playing again tomorrow.

On Tuesday, my supervisor took me out to an Indian buffet. I knew a week ahead of time, so I researched it on the Internet then took the notes with me. Indian food is truly a mystery to me, and I didn’t want to make any mistakes. Although, I felt like I was cheating on a test, pulling the notes out whenever my supervisor was distracted with the phone or whenever she went to the buffet. My supervisor, however, caught me taking notes. She must think I’m really weird. In the end, I went over my calorie range, but it was all so worth it. If there’s any consolation, I think I only ate the vegetarian dishes. Which is good for the environment. Right?

On other news… I have added an “Awards Earned” on my side bar. I will earn money the more days I stay within my calorie range. Then the first of the month, I can use that cash to buy a weight-loss related reward for myself. Even if I earn no money, I will still give myself an award for keeping track of what I eat, albeit it’s worth should not cost any money. I’ve set up an award system before which didn’t pan out. Hopefully it will work out this time.

Procrastination and Skipping Dinner

Why can’t I focus on more than one thing at a time?

I’m totally procrastinating on my special project, and I think I’m using my weight loss efforts as a way to procrastinate. It’s always something. If it weren’t that then it would be snacking, so this way is better. I’m trying to set a timer so that I only spend an hour a day online doing non-school stuff. It hasn’t worked so far.

Counting calories is going well, now that I track them on-line. I can save previously entered food, so I can use it another time. Additionally, it’s much more fun to do it on line. Looks organized and creates graphs.

Now that I track calories, I know when I eat too much. Last Tuesday, my internship had a big potluck, and I ate a lot! I felt full, but I also thought that it would still be okay. Calorie-wise that is. Well, I was wrong. When I went home to record my calories, I discovered that I went over, and I haven’t eaten dinner yet! So I thought to eat a small dinner, so that the damage wouldn’t be so bad… Then another thought hit me. Can I skip dinner? I’ve seen people do it before. A friend, sister, cousin, husband says, “I ate a big lunch and ended up not eating dinner”. And they were okay. A part of me was afraid I would crash. I still had to co-facilitate a support group, so that means I will be separated from food for about 3 hours! with no opportunity to get to my snacks. Can I do it? I decided to “test” it out. If all didn’t go well, then I would know better next time. If the co-facilitator or members noticed I was looking famish, I can just tell them what I have heard others say, “I ate a big lunch and I didn’t eat dinner”. And you know what. I was okay. I didn’t crash and I wasn’t famished. I just felt mildly empty by the middle of the group, and that was okay.

What is the moral of this story?

Trust the BMR. Those scientists know what they’re talking about.

The Great Outdoors

I went biking with my sister again! I love it! I love being outside.

My husband and I are planning to move sometime in the future. We had wanted to move last year but chickened out. We were looking to move either between my parents’ and his parents’ house or in-land where house prices are cheaper, schools are better, and weather’s crapper. My husband recently discovered that homes inland were decreasing and asked me if I wanted to move there. I told him that I wasn’t too thrilled with the weather aspect. He reassured me that air-conditioning would make it bearable, but I told him I was spoiled by the pleasant weather near the bay were I can go outside on a whim and be reassured I be comfortable. He looked at me as if I was crazy and said, “You hardly go outside anyways!” I was shocked by his lack of knowledge of me. Don’t I go walking around the neighborhood and know the activities of the children going to and from school? Don’t I take my kids to the park every chance I get? Don’t I force him to go with me hiking? I think he was confusing me with himself who abhors low-technology environments. The matter of fact is, I totally love the outdoors. The number one reason I chose my undergrad college was its remote location in the wooded mountains. We met in that undergrad college and I have memories of how miserable he was, so I try not to subject him too much to the things I enjoy. Kind of like how other women don’t force their husband to go shopping with them. Unfortunately for him, I’ll be finishing with school and will have more time to force him to enjoy the outdoors.

Long-Term Weight Loss

I wondered if long-term weight loss was impossible as I ride on this roller coaster that is my weight loss journey. As I deprive myself of foods that I love and as I sacrifice time that I need, I have this shadow of doubt in my mind that it’s all worth it. And maybe even detrimental towards really losing weight. So I did a search on the Net and I found this study written by R. R. Wing and S. Phelan (2005). It said that 20% succeed in keeping the weight of for at least a year and that the longer you keep it off the easier it gets.

So there is gold at the end of the rainbow.

Cutting the Calories

The neat thing about Spark People. is that they not only track calories but they track fat, carbohydrates, and protein. What I have discovered is that I’m good with carbohydrates and protein, but fat I often have more than I should. Looking at the food I eat, I find that I rely on fat to enjoy my vegetables. I’m afraid that I don’t think I would be eating vegetables if it weren’t for the Ranch dressing. I know I can always do stir fry, but I seem to be lazy. I heard a doctor on the radio say that in order to lose weight you should cut refine carbohydrates and that everything else doesn’t matter as long as you cut the calories. I think fat in itself is the not problem, but the fact that it pushes my calorie intake over what I should be consuming is the problem.

I’m thinking of replacing some of the ground beef I make with ground turkey to cut back on calories. I have no issues with the taste of ground turkey, but my husband does. He’s a big meat eater and can taste the difference between ground turkey and ground beef and makes a big stink whenever I replace one for the other. Last week I told him I was thinking of giving turkey a try again, and he didn’t argue so I think it will be okay. I know it will be a sacrifice for him, and it makes me feel bad. I’m thinking of maybe using half turkey and half beef in my dishes that call for beef. Maybe that won’t offend his taste buds.

Enjoy the Journey

I read a magazine article called “The Secret to Satisfaction”. It explained that satisfaction was not in obtaining the goal but in the process, planning, and practice towards the goal. At times I get obsessed with my weight loss goal, believing that it will give me the ultimate satisfaction that I forget about the little satisfactions along the way. I listed them here to remind me, so that I can remember that the journey is just as good (if not better) than the destination.

1. The feeling I get when I start to enjoy exertion.

2. The sense of peace I get after a workout.

3. Better posture and increased strength from weight training.

4. The increase of energy from good diet and exercise.

5. A sense of balance from eating well, exercising regularly, and giving time for myself.

Spring and Weight Loss

Spring is in the air, when I went biking with my sister. The hills were green and the fields were covered with yellow flowers. All kinds of people were out on the bike trails yesterday, along with some bugs that we took home with us on our clothes. My sister and I are thinking of making it a habit. It’ll probably have to wait though until she repairs her rear tire.

With the warm air and sunshine, I’m even more inclined to procrastinate on my Special Project. Although I have decided that it would be okay if my procrastinating resulted in some needed exercise.

I just weighed myself. 144.1 lbs. After two weeks of gaining, I ended up losing 4 lbs in one week. The only difference is that I’m recording my food intake. Also, 144.1 mean that I have achieved my first milestone. Normally this should be something to celebrate about, but half of me believe it’s a fluke. Additionally, I had already reached this milestone when I first started this blog. Reaching this milestone again just reminds me of how fickle weight loss is.

Counting Calories Day 5

Day five in counting calories, and I am finding it hard to keep in my calorie range. The last two attempts at counting calories I was breastfeeding so my range was higher. During that time I was eating salad with Ranch, while keeping in the range. Now I’m seriously re-considering my Ranch habit.

I’m gritting my teeth when I make food decisions. I’m trying to be conscious of it and relax my jaw.

Angry

At my internship I’m co-facilitating a support group. During the team meeting, the co-facilitator handed me two articles regarding anger, which I read during the meeting. They were good articles and they got me to thinking about the incident on Sunday with the pancakes. I was angry that day, and I was unfairly blaming Ly for my bad decisions. I wanted to go up to him and yell so that it wouldn’t happen again. Luckily my anger abated enough for me to realize that it wasn’t his fault. But I also didn’t want to blame myself, because it would initiate self-bashing. That day I decided that it was no one’s fault. It was difficult, but I accepted my decisions and moved on in my life.

…But I didn’t really moved on, and it was nagging me. The anger. It had nowhere to go. I felt unresolved. The articles talked about how anger was so powerful that it can create or destroy, but like all forms of energy it doesn’t go no where. We can focus that energy to do with it what we want. I choose to focus that energy on losing weight.

Today I will start keeping track with what I eat. Wish me luck.

Fate and Five Pancakes

It’s my cousin’s birthday and everyone -- my sisters, my cousins, friends of the family, and my husband – went out clubbing yesterday. My husband went instead of me because he was closer to my cousin than I was, and someone had to stay home with the kids. I was glad because I don’t like going out so late. Never the less I felt like Cinderella when she didn’t get to go to the ball. As if to make up for yesterday my sisters and Ly encouraged me to go out to eat at a pancake house with them. I had hesitation. For one I had breakfast at 10am and I wasn’t hungry at 12noon when they had invited me to join them. For another I had a large paper that I should be working on. But I decided to go anyways. I felt like I’m losing touch with my cousins and that I should maybe make more of an effort, but at the restaurant I ended up sitting at the far end of the table away from my cousins next to my sister’s friend whom I didn’t like. Luckily my kids and her kids were between us, but I couldn’t help feel like I had just wasted my time. I leaned towards Ly and I told him that I still wasn’t hungry. He told me that his meal came with three pancakes, so I thought he meant to let me have one pancake and the kids have one each. I told him which pancake I had wanted, but when the waiter turned to me to take my order, Ly looked at me expectedly as if I was to order my own meal. Taken by surprise I told him which pancakes I wanted. But to order pancakes by themselves were FIVE pancakes! I was so angry. I wanted to yell at Ly for convincing me to come and for making me believe that we were going to share a meal. But I also knew it wasn’t his fault that I ended up wasting my time and eating too much pancakes. Even when I only ate 2-1/2 pancakes it was too much (it seemed like a waste to eat less than that). Looking back I couldn’t think of how I could have made the right decisions with what I knew then. So it wasn’t really my fault either. Fate was against me. Fate and five pancakes.
…At least they tasted good.

Chocolate

It's been a week with Spark People and I have gained a pound. I don't blame Spark People though. I'm taking it really slow. I'm not counting calories. Not yet, anyways. My last attempt is still fresh in my mind, and I have no urge in re-creating that torture. Additionally, today is Ash Wednesday. For those of you who don't observe it...It's the being of Lent. Growing up Catholic, there's an option to give up something for 40 days in addition to having no meat on Fridays. This year, I decided to give up chocolate. My addiction to it is quite sinful, and I've always had difficulty staying away from the 7 deadly sins. So in anticipation of my abstenance from chocolate, I've been eating a lot of it in the past week. You can say that my Fat Tuesday started last Tuesday and ended yesterday. But starting today, there'll be no more chocolate. Another challenge I've taken on this year is that I'm going to try to be non-chalant about it. So if someone offers me a chocolate cake, I'm not going to say "I gave it up for Lent", I'm going to just say "No thank you."

Ironically, I started watching "Chocolat" over the weekend. Ly has collected a ton of DVDs that we haven't gotten around to watching them, so I've started watching them as I did the laundry. I'm going through them alphabetically, and "Chocolat" was just the next DVD. So it's really a strange coincidence that I should be watching it right before Lent. Ironcially it's about this lady who opens up a chocolate shop in an uptight, God-fearing town, right before Lent, the season of abstanence. I haven't finished watching it, but I think it's trying to say, "Live a little". I don't care for the movie. It's quite stupid and simplistic and offers no solence for a chocolate addict like myself.

Spark People

I joined Spark People. I’ve been meaning to do so, and I finally did it! Yay, me!

I’m following their program. So for the next two weeks these are my goals:

1. 2 servings of vegetable and or fruit a day
2. 8 hours of sleep at night
3. Listen to a get-up-and-go song a day

So far, 8 hours of sleep has been the major challenge. It’s hard with so much that needs to be done, husband who’s on his laptop in bed, kids who wake up at night, and acid reflux. Right now there doesn’t seem to be anyway around these obstacles. Well, maybe the “husband who’s on his laptop in bed” can be addressed. I just didn’t have the heart to tell him to leave when we spend so little time together as it is. I figure that even when unconscious, at least we’re spending time together.

Richard Simmons Super Sweatin’ Party Off the Pounds!

Today, I decided to take the kids to my parents’ house to deliver some Valentine cards, and while I was there I decided to try out the new “Richard Simmons Super Sweatin’ Party Off the Pounds!” DVD that I gave to my mom. Not surprisingly, my mom hasn’t tried it out yet. My sister, however, tried some of it and liked it, so I decided to try it out.

I liked it. I wish they made more workout DVDs to music that I like.

Additionally, although campy, Richard Simmons knows how to draw out the emotions. He knows how to get you enthused, motivated, and moved. I’m embarrassed to say this, but I was crying at parts. And crying while working out is a strange experience.

Sometimes I feel so alone in this journey towards weight loss that I can’t help but cry when I discover that I am not. And I think that’s the effect that this DVD had on me...

...or I can be PMS’ing.

Need to Change my Habits

I have a serious sugar habit. It’s been extremely bad lately. The good news is that my weight hasn’t change despite my poor diet. The bad news is that my weight hasn't decreased either. These are things that I know can curb my urges.

1. Regular exercise

2. Healthy snacks

3. Plenty of water

I think I’ve been okay with exercise. I’ve been poor with healthy snacks. It takes a bit of preparation, and I’ve been un-motivated and lazy. Water. I can do better. Maybe I should keep track of my water intake to see how much I really am drinking.

I should eat more vegetables and count calories, also. I tried counting calories earlier in the year, but the task is so daunting. It’s not so much the keeping track of what I eat but the searching for how much calories foods are is such a pain. I’ll rather be doing something else.