Re-Start

Thank you Token Fat Girl for bringing me back from the dead. Her comment reminded me that I still have this blog and thinking about weight loss again.

Okay. So I’ve moved, but not really. I’m currently staying at my parents’ house and my life has turned upside down with disarray. All of our belongings are in boxes, I’ve started to work, and we’re working on our house at the same time. This moving thing really sucks. As a result I’m eating and eating and have no idea how much I weigh, because the scale is packed away somewhere. I had tried weighing on my sister’s scale, but the number was just so large that I decided that it sucked and refused to weigh myself until I got my old scale back. Unfortunately, at the rate we’re going, that won’t be anytime soon. What was suppose to be three weeks at my parents’ has turned into two months, and I’m tired of putting my life on hold, so tomorrow I will be weighing myself using my sister’s scale.

Exercise-wise, I haven’t been doing that much better. I’ve stopped weight training all together, but I still go biking. I love it. Listening to my music and daydreaming as I wiz by breath-taking scenery. Nothing gets better than that. But I do know I should probably reintroduce strength training back into my life (yuck). I will be looking at my schedule and see where I can put it in. With everything going on, I don’t know where to start.

Paperwork Anxieties

We will most definitely move. Yesterday I worked all day researching the law and putting together paperwork for the renters to sign in the evening. Oh, the anxiety! I really wished we had enough money to hire a lawyer. I really wished I had more time. I really hope that it doesn’t bit us in the ass somewhere down the line. Anyways, it’s done now. They’ve signed and it is official. Yet, I am still anxious.

The strange thing about anxiety is that I am oblivious to eating. I have no urge to eat my meals, but if Teresa leaves her crackers on my desk, I will definitely munch on it. And I don’t forget to take breaks for chocolate.

Moving Anxieties

I haven’t been doing anything regarding my goals: eating, procrastinating, etc. It’s been hard for me to focus on anything else outside of the fact that we might be moving soon and renting out our current house. It has caused me great anxiety, and I wonder why I ever agreed to do this. I haven’t been sleeping too well, and I’m fortunate that I have the option to take a nap with Teresa or I would be dysfunctional. Our finances will be razor thin after the move, and I can’t seem to find the time to look for work when looking for renters and researching about land lording and laws has occupied all my time.

Despite all this, I have continued to include exercise in my life. It really have become a habit, and it helps when I tell myself that it’s a stress reliever. As planned, I went hiking over the weekend, and I totally enjoyed myself.

Early Spring

Hunter brings home a weekly newsletter from his kindergarten class that gives me a brief of what they have been up to. Apparently, his class had voted that the groundhog DIDN’T see his shadow so there’ll be an early spring. It was cute, but they may be on to something because it sure feels like spring is here. The rain has stopped, the sun out, and it has been warmer. I went biking and the trails were crowded. My sister and I are also talking about doing more outside activities such as biking and hiking. Next week, if all goes well, we may go hiking with our cousins.

I’m definitely a creature of the sun, gathering all of the warm and nice days as I can and going outside whenever possible.

Review and Resolution

Thank you everyone for continuing to check in and comment on my blog despite my MIA status. Sorry about that. I have been out of town since the day after Christmas with full intention of blogging, but never doing it. I’ve also been home since the 3rd and haven’t gotten myself to blog until today. But today is the end of my silence and hopefully you’ll be hearing me more frequently this coming year, because that so happens to be one of my weight loss resolutions: to post at least once a week. But before I get to that, I would like to review 2007 year of weight loss.

I started off that year after what I termed as “The Quarter from Hell”. Even with a month off, I was in a pessimistic, depressive slump. During that whole quarter, I promised that I would get back on the exercise/diet wagon with full vigor as soon as vacation hit, but that didn’t happen. It was more of a small crawl. Making my new year’s resolution for last year just felt like routine and I had no optimism in the process. Luckily, the quarter that followed was a more manageable load. I was able to put attention to my weight loss and actually saw it as a welcome break from school work and internship. I joined SparksPeople and was able to successfully log in my food intake for which was quite a feat, considering the year before this was something I struggled at. As I predicted, weight loss became much easier after I started recording, and I lose the weight in an almost predictable manner. However, I struggled with the whole recording process. I had difficulty gauging the calories I was consuming and obsessed over what I ate. I felt guilty for going over the recommended range of weight loss, and I didn’t like feeling guilty. During the middle of the year, I worked on letting go of the guilt with the help of intuitive eating. I continued to record but I used the numbers instead as something to reflect on. However, a drawback of letting go of guilt has been my abandonment with sweets and chocolate. Especially chocolate. Before, I was eating chocolate in moderation, but come Halloween, all of that went out the window. A part was also because of winter blues. My numbers were off the roof, and I became indifferent to them. Come December, I became tired of recording food intake and decided to take a break. It seemed pointless since seeing the outrageous amount of calories I consumed per day did not discourage me from over eating.

For the year I lost around 30 pounds! 50 pounds since my highest. And I must admit. Life without the weight is so much sweeter. I feel prettier and confident, and Ly and I are having more sex. Despite my recent spiral into over-indulgence, I conclude that this has been a successful year of weight loss. Things that I did well this year was to maintain regular exercise, record food intake, weigh-in regularly, and blog.

Things I would like to work on for this year is to control over-indulging and to stretch everyday and of course to maintain the good habits I have obtained so far. My goal for this year would be to reach my target weight and maintain.

This year feels much more optimistic than last year, but this year weight loss is not my number one resolution. There is also the trouble of finding work, which would take priority. Seeing how weight loss fits in the coming year will be interesting.

The Busyness

I’ve been busy, and I’m hoping that this will be the start of some non-busy/hectic time. Ly has just finished the bathroom and although he was anxious to start another project he agreed to hold off until spring for my sake. There’s only so much chaos I can handle at a time. Teresa’s big birthday celebration has pass so there’ll be more downtime until Christmas. No, I’m not stressing about Thanksgiving. As long as our house is too small, I do not foresee hosting such an ambitious occasion. And if I were to do so, I’m sure my mother-in-law will joyfully cook everything for us.

The week of October 21 to 27th I took up a challenge with Ms. Kelly to exercise five times. Sadly, I was one day short of completing that challenge, but I’m sure it would have been far less if I hadn’t taken it up. Here’s a rundown of that week.

Sunday: This day was the Trung’s rehearsal luncheon, and we still didn’t have a working bath. We went to my parents’ house to use their shower. I totally didn’t feel like it, but I used the opportunity exercise with Charlene Prickett: Crazy for Step DVD, knowing that opportunities to exercise in the coming week would have been slight.

Monday: This was when I had caught wind of the challenge. I called up Ly and asked him to come home early so that I can exercise with Charlene Prickett’s Low Impact, High Intensity DVD again.

Tuesday: I went to a Step and Sculpt group exercise class at my gym. I liked it, and I felt it was a perfect way to get someone to check my form as I lift weights without having to pay for a personal trainer. However, I did find the class too easy. I went to the class one other time the week before, and I discovered that I was the only one bouncing about as if I was made of energy. This time I used two risers so that I can actually get a workout. I’ve never used two risers before! I was scared that I would look overly ambitious and silly to everyone else, but I did perfectly fine. I’m feeling mighty proud of this accomplishment, remembering that I use to be like everyone else in the class, struggling with only one riser. I’m pretty sure that this wasn’t only accomplished by increased fitness. It’s a lot easier to move about with less weight.

Wednesday: This was a planned day of rest.

Thursday: I asked Ly to come home early, but we ended up arguing about who’s not putting what away. So he didn’t come early as expected. If he had the decency to tell me that he would blatantly come home late (way pass the time he would come home on a normal day) I would have tried to exercise with Teresa. Although I don’t appreciate her compulsion to grab my legs as I dance about the living room, it would have been better than not exercising. Jogging with her in the jogging stroller was out of the question because of my recent bout of plantar fasciitis. And I know that a lot of moms would tell me to exercise during her nap, but it never works out. Last week when I tried to exercise while she slept, she woke up early and wouldn’t stop whining and grabbing my leg until I lied down with her until she fully woke up. Mind you, I was in a middle of a workout so my heart rate was crazy elevated. Not a good feeling to have to lie down at that state.

Friday: I went on a field trip with Hunter’s class. Hunter’s school is actually 45 minutes away at my in-law’s city. We were back from the field trip at 1:45pm, but we were also planning to go to the school carnival at 6 pm. During this waiting time, we spent it at my in-law’s where I decided to exercise. I did 30 minutes of Shape Cardio Workout: Bikini Body All Year-Round DVD and a routine with a strength band. I felt very self-conscious and guilty that I was working out at my in-laws. I was practically speeding through the routine.

Saturday: This was Trung’s wedding day. Ly went early in the morning, since he was a groom’s man, but the kids and I weren’t expected until the western-style ceremony at 4pm. I was feeding the kids breakfast and trying to plan my day so that it would include exercise, when Ly called and announced a change of plans. They had wanted Hunter, whom was one of the ring bearers, to join the wedding early. That was also when I discovered that the rental place had given Hunter shoes that were two sizes too small. So my plans were shot, seeing as how I needed to drive all around the Bay Area, searching for shoes Hunter’s size and chasing after a wedding party that was on the move.

So there’s the week of the challenge. The week after the challenge, exercise had been abysmal. I’m not jumping on opportunities to exercise as I use to, using more and more excuses not to exercise. Not good. Just the other day, we returned from a luncheon at 3pm, but I procrastinated until 5pm to exercise when normally I would exercise as soon as I returned home. I’m tired of my workout DVDs. I’m also not planning my workout as well as I used to.

Since and because of Halloween, eating has also been abysmal. I need to stop sneaking chocolate whenever I can. It doesn’t help that I had been stressing and having difficulties finding my priorities. On the day of Teresa’s birthday party, I sat at the end of my bed with my head in my hands unable to think of what my next step should be. So, I decided to watch TV and waste time instead. Now that all of the deadline stuff has passed, I’m in this unfocused stage of wandering about, not knowing what to do next. There is still non-deadline, pressing stuff to deal with, but I’m having difficulties with figuring out a plan. My weight loss efforts seemed to also wander about with everything else, and I’m having a hard time trying to figure it’s place in my life. My buying a new scale has also fuelled the confusion. It weighs heavier than my old scale by quite a bit, so I don’t want to take it seriously.

Prioritizing

Our house has been chaotic and busy lately. Ly is working on the bathroom with the only bath. Additionally there are tools, construction materials, and debris in the hallway and by the entrance. The kids are leaving toys on the floor in every room. Ly isn’t bothering to put away his things, which seems to happen more frequently when the house is in disarray. Additionally, Ly’s good friend Trung’s wedding is right around the corner, and having Ly and Hunter a part of the wedding party has monopolize a lot of our time. On top of that, there is Teresa’s upcoming birthday party that needs my attention. With these things vying for our time, a lot of things that still needs to get done on a regular basis is not getting done. Right now, laundry is a pressing matter. We are at a point were we are sending Hunter to school with dirty pants. Ly was concerned regarding what others would think about us as parents. I felt we were in desperation mode, which means “others” can suck it.

Today I left Trung’s bachelor’s party early, since the kids were geared to destroy Trung’s sister’s museum-like home. Additionally, I didn’t want to be around when the strippers came. And, come on! Why the hell were the kids and I at a bachelor’s party in the first place?! I’ve really got to learn not to say yes to every invitation that comes my way.

As I was driving home, I was actually anxious and looking forward to starting the laundry, when I started to think about grocery shopping. I haven’t gone grocery shopping in TWO WEEKS! I had planned to do it this week, but I needed to use my kid-free days to work on the bathroom and complete my TB screen so that I can go to Hunter’s upcoming field trip. And I couldn’t get any errands done when Teresa was around, since the car left to me had no backseat to put the car seat in with Ly using it to store backer board. I could probably make it another week, but many essentials had already run out, and I longed for fresh ingredients. It was a tough decision, but I decided to go to the grocery store. We’re going to have to “wing” something, and I rather it be our clothing than our food.

“Less” of a Mother

There’s this wonderful pre-K program that First 5 is providing, and Hunter was invited to use it! Along with Hunter attending a preschool-like setting, there are two parenting classes. I went to the first one and it was very lame, targeting overly burdened or traumatized mothers whom failed to develop an attachment to their children. And from what I noticed none of the mothers whom attended qualified. I would have to say that they were at the opposite of the spectrum, towards super mom qualities. They were all low income and a majority of them were monolingual Spanish speakers, but in terms of parenting skills they needed no help, especially from a riff-raff social worker set on pushing her values. Ugh! If I ever become like her, consider me resigned!

I don’t think I will be attending the second class, but I don’t regret attending the first. It was wonderful meeting such dedicated mothers! What other mother would take the time to attend a lame class as that when they already have the skills anyways?

But I also noticed another thing. I was the thinnest mother in the room! You would think I would be oozing with pride because of this, but in actuality I felt tremendously self-conscious and ashamed. Because the typical and most shared reason that a mother is fat is because she has prioritizing her family over herself. I suddenly felt less of a mother, and guilty of the time that I didn’t devote to them.

The Bet

My cousin asked me if I would like to participate in a weight loss bet with the rest of the cousins. Apparently they were sitting around complaining about having to go to the gym, when they came up with a way to motivate themselves. After 6 weeks, the one who loses the most percentage of body weight gets to pick where ever they would like to eat. The one who loses the least has to pay for half the bill and the rest would have to pay for the second half. I know. It’s strange to have food as an incentive to lose weight, but this is what we do anyways. The real incentive would be to not pay when we do. I told him that I was in. I’ve been on a major plateau for over a month and maybe this will get my butt in gear. And maybe it’ll also keep me from overeating during family get-togethers.

Obsessing and Researching

I’m obsessing about weight loss again, and when this happens everything else is neglected. Father’s Day was last weekend, and I didn’t do anything for Ly! And it’s not like I didn’t have time. It’s just that I was preoccupied with myself. Last night I spent two hours writing a blog entry, ignoring my kids’ cry for attention. Then when I was preparing Hunter for bed, I realized he’d be going to my mother-in-law’s today, because Ly won’t be home in time for me to go to my sewing class in the evening. That means I wouldn’t be seeing him the whole day! I felt regret and wished I had paid more attention to him. I wished I could be more balanced.

In trying to find ways I can insure my weight loss and maintenance, I've been thinking of intuitive eating. I unknowingly tried this method twice using "A Lifetime of Weight Control & Fitness" by Debra Waterhouse. It didn’t work out for me, because I was too particular about rating my hunger/fullness and had difficulty being attuned to my body. And although this method was suppose to eliminate the guilt that comes with dieting, I still felt guilt and maybe more so when I fell into social pressures. I know that everyone (excluding those with extreme and special circumstances such as autism or anti-social personality disorder) is subject to social pressures, but I like to fancy myself as above it. Intuitive eating has helped me discover that I’m not. Also it suggested that I should eat without distractions, which was impossible when feeding two kids at the same time. And I didn’t want to give up eating vegetables in front of the TV, since it helps me eat them.

Despite my issues with this method I do still utilize its techniques somewhat, but I wonder if I should look more into it. Maybe buy a better book regarding it. But I have great hesitation making purchases for myself, so I decided to do a little academic research on the effectiveness of this method first (I have my student access to the academic journals on-line until the end of the summer). I discovered that I couldn’t find any existing research whether it was or wasn’t effective. I guess it shouldn’t have come as a surprise, considering how new this method is. Although this may indicate a better prognosis than traditional methods since most research only demonstrate how unsuccessful they are, it’s not enough for me to back it up with my money.

Then I ran across ”The Beck Diet Solution” by Judith S. Beck while perusing on Amazon and I remember reading about it on jen’s blog. It talked about utilizing cognitive behavioral therapy towards weight loss. Currently, this method is all the rage in my industry, because it’s backed by tremendous empirical evidence regarding all different kinds of situations (although I’m not sure if there’s evidence directly towards weight loss). Never the less, it has peaked my interest. And I’ll look into it …later. Right now, I need to give some attention back to the family.

Flexibility

A week and a half ago, Ly and I decided to have the kids stay at home until I return to work. Ly then offers to come home early whenever he can, so I can get my exercise in without worrying about the kids. Ever since then, he’s been able to be home around 5pm everyday. This morning he tells me he won’t be home before 6pm this whole week. Automatically, I brainstorm of what to do about exercise with kids in tow minus Ly. Ly then pointed out that when I start working I would probably be exercising that late anyways, so I might as well start now. He made a good point. When I was going to the gym after internship, I wouldn’t be eating until after 7pm and I did okay. But when it’s exercising at home, I think I’m starving myself past 6pm but that can’t be true.

Although, I didn’t see this point at the moment since we were busy arguing. Maybe I had expected him to be home early and had my schedule and mind set. And having Ly say he wouldn’t be had upset my equilibrium, so I reacted the wrong way. Whatever the reason, Ly said, “Why are you always so sensitive about this?” And that pissed me off. I didn’t think I was being sensitive about anything, and if I was he should be more understanding. Then I noticed he said “always”, so I think back to when I could have had the same reaction in the past.

Could it be that day last week when he wasn’t able to watch the kids, and I had planned to use the jogging stroller so that I can get exercise in? He had offered to take the kids to his parents’ house. I reacted kind of irate because it would have been preferable, but I was already heading out the door with Plan B. Is that what he meant? If that was the case, he was mistaking sensitively with irritation. Since he’s a fly-by-the-seat-of-his pants kind of guy, he has a hard time understanding that I’m a very rigid person that gets thrown off by the unexpected.

Either way, I should probably try to control my reactions so that we don’t get into another fight. And try to be more flexible. Starting with exercising past 6pm.

Doubt

Lately parties are guaranteed diet failures. I know that social functions are challenging for everyone, but it hasn’t always been that way for me. In the beginning of my weight loss efforts I was actually “good” most of the time. Lately, I’ve been falling victim to the “social munchies”. This weekend, it dawned on me what part of the problem could be. While I was with a group of family standing around the food, everyone was happily munching away while I steadily tried to ignore the food that I wasn’t hungry for nor really craved. My cousin complimented me on my weight loss, and then his girlfriend asked if I had to give up on certain foods. My sister Jen quickly said, “No. Not that I have seen.” This made me feel good, because it indicated that everything was the same. That I was still that crazy sister/cousin with the sweet tooth and the snack attacks. But then I realized that it wasn’t the same, because I wasn’t munching with the rest of them. So I dipped a tortilla chip in the salsa bowl and didn’t stop munching until it was time to go. I’m fighting with change.

Between that and home remodeling, I was eating close to 2400 calories a day! Which is no wonder I only lost 1 lb last month. In the past, I would make myself feel better by saying that I must be eating close to my maintenance calories, but I never really know what they were. I finally searched for an on-line calculator (I know I shouldn’t trust these things, but I’m so lazy lately), and it turned out that to maintain my current weight I only needed 1773 calories a day. This surprised me, since I had always imagined that the calories to maintain my goal weight would be around this number. I calculated it so there wouldn’t be any surprises when I reach that point. Only 1688 calories.

I know I shouldn’t be thinking this way, but I thought that the misery of dieting was only temporary. That when I start maintaining there’ll be so much calories that I wouldn’t know what to do with it. Once I used the word “diet” and someone corrected me and said “lifestyle change”. But “lifestyle change” would indicate that I would be eating at a deficit for the rest of my life! Although I don’t mind maintaining my “good habits” well into maintenance, I still liked to daydream of all the calories I can have once I get there. Calculating my maintenance calories at goal weight had shattered that dream. It really isn’t that much more than I’m eating now. Well, no matter. I simply have to start thinking like everyone else. That this will last forever. And one way to make it more acceptable for me psychologically is to stop starving myself for the sake of staying within the calorie range. Only that would require me to limit more of the foods I love. But is it really possible to do that forever when my tendency to overeat is so overpowering?! I then ran across a blog of a lady whom lost 100 lbs to only gain it back again plus 5, because her life became stressful. Last time my life became stressful, all the weight I lost also came back. What happens when my life inevitably becomes stressful again?

Although, I may be sounding disillusioned, I have recently gained some motivation back. I started weekly challenges in the forum I’m participating at and bought some motivational postcards to mail out as raffle prizes for those whom completed the challenges. It’s something new and I seem to have become obsessed with it, which has helped my motivation in the past. But I still wanted to sound off on my doubt, which is still there in the back of my mind. Because once the shine of this new toy wears off, it’s going to become larger than life.

Jealous, No More

My ex-roommate Peggy is naturally slim, and I’ve always been jealous of her. When we were rooming together, she had the ability to keep unfinished bags of chips and chocolate bars on her desk, which was something I wasn’t able to do. Not only that, I would eat her unfinished food behind her back. I’m sure she knew and thought I was a pig.

We went to visit her, and although she had just given birth two months ago, she looked like she had already returned to her pre-pregnancy weight. We came for dinner, but she didn’t eat a bite, saying that she was fine with a hot pocket a day. She then touted that she had lost 20 pounds, since she given birth because she was so stressed about breastfeeding. It seems like a strange thing to be proud of, but I guess since thinness is so important in this society, losing weight for any reason, including stress, would be considered something to be proud of. I, on the other hand, gain weight when stressed. And although I was subconsciously comparing myself to her, I did not feel jealous this time.

I’m finally losing my pregnancy weight, but I’m doing it by developing healthy habits. And although Peggy is slim, she is by no means healthy. She’s a moody person, and I think she can easily remedy this if she ate a little bit more. But since she has a poor appetite, I can imagine this would be a challenge for her.

So no one’s perfect, but I’m happy to say that I no longer want to exchange my imperfections for hers.

Last Day of School

Monday was the last day of school. I walked through campus, doing my familiar things and missing them because it was the last time. The last time I was going to the library, the social work building, the admin building. The last time I was going to eat in the campus café. And the last time I was going to use the campus gym. I’m going to miss the familiarity of the machines that faced the mirrors, giving me the perfect view of my belly, reminding me that I still had a ways to go. That day, I noticed that my belly was smaller. I also noticed that I could see my biceps as I did lat pulls and flys, when I couldn’t before. This made me very happy.

Monday also marked the end of my routine as I’ve known it. It may sound strange, but trying to fit exercise without school will be more challenging. With school the kids were mostly with my mother-in-law, and I went to the gym while I was on campus or after internship. Now that I’ll be home for the time being, I will have to jockey for exercise time. The kids will still be seeing my mother-in-law, but for now it will only be twice a week. My kids are wild and they stressed her out. Asking her to watch them for two days seemed too much as it is. But I need time to organize and clean the house. It really fell to the way side while I was in school. Then I need the time to look for work. It would be too challenging to do these things with the kids around (they are wild).

The Buffet Strikes Again

This is my last week at my internship. Also it was my supervisor’s last week on the team. So we, along with one of the chaplains, went out to eat Indian Buffet. I totally didn’t feel like putting the effort into figuring out what everything was. Also the chaplain made me feel nervous, so I didn’t bother recording what I ate. I didn’t even bother figuring out if I was full or not. I just ate and ate while my supervisor and the chaplain talked. I went over today, but I can’t tell you what I would have done differently. I didn’t feel like I overate. Maybe I should have stopped eating the naan when I discovered it was burnt. Maybe I should have passed on the Chinese pastry that was offered at the meeting.

I think my motivation to record what I eat is dwindling. It could be because I’m so tired.

I Keep Coming Back For More

I don’t know why I’m focusing on how annoying my family is lately. Maybe I’m spending way too much time with them. But lately I’ve been annoyed with my sister Jen. She’s the same one who recently commented on my snacking habit. I’ve been doing a lot of exercising with her: biking, hiking, we even try to play tennis. I enjoy her company most of the time and appreciate how motivating it is to exercise with others, but, dang, she can be annoying! She finds weakness unacceptable and when it is she likes to use pity. Yesterday, when we were hiking, she scoffed at my fear of falling. I don’t scoff at her fear of dogs and cows. Why is it so hard to imagine that I don’t like to fall on jagged rocks? And because I was more cautious at descending, she was impatient and gave me advice on how to be faster. I am nothing but patient with her out-of-shaped ass as I wait for her when ascending and every time we go biking, I lower my heart rate, so that she can keep pace. What’s worse is the pity! I cannot stand being pitied, especially from my younger sister! And when I hurted myself, she kept saying, "aww". Today we went biking and it was the same as yesterday. I have a cold, so I was having difficulty keeping pace, and she wouldn’t slow down. And when she finally realized I was far behind, she looked at me with so much pity I wanted to strangle her! Then I made the mistake of bringing up my injury I got the other day. If I have to hear her say “aww” again, I’m going to be short one sister! Why does family have to be so annoying?! Makes me not want to exercise with her anymore.

Well, at least I don’t have to see her until next weekend.

Ly is ...Overweight?!

I am shocked beyond belief! Ly is overweight!

A few nights ago, Ly was telling me that I don’t look overweight anymore, which was strange, since according to my BMI and body fat percentage, I still was. He asked me if he was overweight. He’d asked me this before and I always told him he wasn’t, but this time he was asking me to check his BMI, so I did. And he was. About 10 pounds overweight! This shocked me. I asked him how long he had been this weight. He said for at least 10 years! I’ve only been overweight for 7 yet the focus on who should be losing weight has always been me. I remember reading a post from Diet Blog how women are more than likely to think they’re overweight than men, but men are more than likely to be overweight. I had thought it was because of culture. Culturally women are supposed to be smaller than men. Then I also remembered reading a study that discovered overweight African American women don’t think they’re overweight because they were comparing themselves to the people around them, whom happen to also be overweight. I think this is what had happened in our situation. Everyone is overweight. Everyone. It’s hard to tell how someone of healthy weight should look like. Although, the women in the magazines and TV are, in my opinion, underweight, somehow media has not influenced me into perceiving men a certain way. So when I see Ly, I see normal, but normal is overweight in the US! When I sat wide-eyed at the number I had written, the blood drained from head. How could I have let this go on and not do anything about it? My father-in-law has a whole host of problems that should be related to his weight, but he looks normal. So I assumed that it was from genetics. I assumed that his poor mental health contributed to it also. But now that I look at it, my father-in-law has a gut, so his weight may have also contributed to his health. And at this rate my husband may have the same fate. I suddenly felt a strong sense of failure as a wife. Others may think that the health of one’s significant other should be their responsibility, and I halfway agree. But the other half doesn’t. Now I’m thorn. Ever since that evening, Ly has been asking questions like, “Do you find me unattractive?” Well, of course not! But then he asked me to compare himself to his old self. The one I met in college. Well, heck, we all looked more attractive in college! Half of me want to tell him that it doesn’t matter (which it doesn’t), but the other half want him to be healthy and that if I answered accordingly I can motivate him to be healthy. So I stalled, and now he thinks I’m disgusted with him. Now he’s on a diet, and I feel awful! He was a fat child, and his family and other children were merciless. Did I just contribute to the damage?

Knee Problems and Family Bugs

I’m concerned about my knee. It’s been feeling stiff ever since I went lifting on Tuesday. I’m afraid I may have injured it. Maybe I had lifted too quickly. Also on Friday, I did strength training without doing cardio for the first time ever. Although, I warmed up for 5 minutes, I’m afraid I might not have been warm enough. Maybe that injured my knee further. Today, I focused on stretching it, and I also iced it. I might do strength training tomorrow. I might not. It depends on how I feel.

For lunch, we brought one of those pre-made pizzas to my parents’ house. It only took 15 minutes to bake, but I was so hungry and there were so much tempting snacks I could have eaten. I held out okay, only eating 2 chocolate covered macadamia nuts. Although, I ate two pizzas, when I should have limited myself to one, and I would have been fine with one and a half. Ideally, I should have eaten one slice and the banana I brought with me. I find my parents’ house stressful. There’s just too much stimuli. Plus my mom’s so annoying and she was sitting right by my ear as I ate. Does she always have to yell when she talks? Does she always have to be such an airhead? It makes me want to eat more.

After I ate I went back to my sister’s room where the package for macadamia nuts were so that I can record the nutritional information. My sister had assumed that I went to eat more chocolate, speaking disbelievingly that I would “go all the back to her room for more chocolate.” Why is this so unbelievable? I hate how my family associates me with my uncontrolled snacking habits. But I didn’t bother correcting their perception. Somehow I would rather have them believe that I’m a crazy snacker than someone whom recorded her food down. My mom told me to bring the chocolate downstairs so that she can eat some, so I ended up recording the nutritional information right in front of her. Mom stated, “That’s good that you do that!” This bothered me.

Fooled by the Greenery

These past two weeks, staff meeting at my internship had been extended. To compensate they bought us lunch. Last week it was Chinese food and I was excellent. This week it was Panera, and I ate too much. I ate a huge salad with vinaigrette. In my mind, I thought that salad with vinaigrette would be inherently low in calories so I eat a lot, but when I looked it up it was 200 calories! In addition to that, I also ate a large sandwich. It was later on when I was feeling extremely full and drowsy that I realized the sandwich was too big to be considered ordinary portions. It must have been two ordinary sized sandwiches posing as one. I had fooled myself into thinking that I can eat a lot because it was a vegetarian sandwich, but I should have known by it’s creamy filling that it wouldn’t be low calorie. In fact it was 470 calories! And the large cookie, even when I only ate half of it was still 200 calories! (And here I was feeling proud of myself that I only ate half). So the total calories for lunch was 870! Whew! For being a “sandwich” place, they sure pack in the calories. But at least now I know. Next time I eat from Panera, I will only eat half of their sandwiches.

Milestone and Vanity

I have finally reached my 134 lbs milestone! If I can keep this up for a week, I will gift myself an indoor rock climbing session with my husband. We’re always talking about doing it, but my husband can’t justify the cost of it. Now he can.

It’s strange, but I’m having a hard time justifying giving myself prizes for my milestones. I seem to be okay with paying myself for counting calories because in the past I have struggled with it. But when I reach a milestone, I swell up with so much pride that I don’t think I need a prize to keep me going.

Speaking of pride, I think mine may have gotten out of hand of late. I really have to watch myself, because when I lost the weight right before school, I think I was straight up vain! When I started my internship it was with 3 other interns, all of them seemed heavier than me. Although I didn’t say anything to them to make them think I was better than them, I was thinking it! I thought, “Why don’t they just lose weight? It’s so easy.” How could I have thought that? Just because I had lost weight by all means it was not easy! As punishment, I gained those 10 lbs back.

I also got advice-y when I leave comments on other blogs as if I was an expert because I lost 10 lbs! Well I’m no expert. In fact, recently things that I have thought were weight loss truths, I have found out to be…wrong. Yes, my dear readers, I was wrong. Although it shouldn’t come as a surprise to my long time readers, because when I was still learning about this weight loss stuff, I was making a lot of mistakes and they were kind enough to set me straight. And here I am thinking that the learning has ended. Nope.

For one, it finally dawned on me what BMR truly meant. I had assumed it meant the calories needed to maintain your current weight, but when my sister asked me I had realized that this definition was wrong. I had went educational on my sister, which meant I told her what the acronym stood for. I majored in biology for undergrad and somehow I had stored that BMR stood for basal metabolic rate. But as I said this, another undergrad knowledge jumped up. When I was learning it, it had meant the calories needed for normal functioning. I looked it up and my undergrad self was right. Therefore the soon-to-be-graduate self was wrong. Is it possible for me to be getting dumber?

I had posted using the wrong definition of BMR and I wondered why no one set me straight. I looked back on the post and realized that someone did. But I mustn’t have heard her. Well at the time I was thoroughly confused by all the numbers I had to deal with. I think I was much more focused on getting the numbers right. Sorry Kimberly.

Another thing that dawned on me was that fat burning zone is not the most ideal zone to be working out at. This is what Spark People had to say about that:

The "fat burning zone" business is very misleading. It’s true that low intensity exercise uses more fat as fuel and that moderate intensity exercise (that you can maintain for 20 minutes or more) burns both fat and glucose. But, you're better off exercising in the aerobic zone as much as you can, because exercising at this higher intensity burns more total calories. You will burn a larger percentage of fat in relation to glucose when you are working at a lower intensity, but you will also burn fewer total calories and less total fat. The relative percentage of fat burned has nothing to do with weight loss—it's the total amount calories burned that counts.

Charlene from my workout DVD had repeatedly told me this, but I wasn’t hearing her. I guess I needed to read it.

These are proofs that I am no weight loss guru. So I really need to keep my pride in check, so that I can be open to what people say. So that I don't mislead anyone. So that I don't make anyone think they are any less than me.