Angry

At my internship I’m co-facilitating a support group. During the team meeting, the co-facilitator handed me two articles regarding anger, which I read during the meeting. They were good articles and they got me to thinking about the incident on Sunday with the pancakes. I was angry that day, and I was unfairly blaming Ly for my bad decisions. I wanted to go up to him and yell so that it wouldn’t happen again. Luckily my anger abated enough for me to realize that it wasn’t his fault. But I also didn’t want to blame myself, because it would initiate self-bashing. That day I decided that it was no one’s fault. It was difficult, but I accepted my decisions and moved on in my life.

…But I didn’t really moved on, and it was nagging me. The anger. It had nowhere to go. I felt unresolved. The articles talked about how anger was so powerful that it can create or destroy, but like all forms of energy it doesn’t go no where. We can focus that energy to do with it what we want. I choose to focus that energy on losing weight.

Today I will start keeping track with what I eat. Wish me luck.

Fate and Five Pancakes

It’s my cousin’s birthday and everyone -- my sisters, my cousins, friends of the family, and my husband – went out clubbing yesterday. My husband went instead of me because he was closer to my cousin than I was, and someone had to stay home with the kids. I was glad because I don’t like going out so late. Never the less I felt like Cinderella when she didn’t get to go to the ball. As if to make up for yesterday my sisters and Ly encouraged me to go out to eat at a pancake house with them. I had hesitation. For one I had breakfast at 10am and I wasn’t hungry at 12noon when they had invited me to join them. For another I had a large paper that I should be working on. But I decided to go anyways. I felt like I’m losing touch with my cousins and that I should maybe make more of an effort, but at the restaurant I ended up sitting at the far end of the table away from my cousins next to my sister’s friend whom I didn’t like. Luckily my kids and her kids were between us, but I couldn’t help feel like I had just wasted my time. I leaned towards Ly and I told him that I still wasn’t hungry. He told me that his meal came with three pancakes, so I thought he meant to let me have one pancake and the kids have one each. I told him which pancake I had wanted, but when the waiter turned to me to take my order, Ly looked at me expectedly as if I was to order my own meal. Taken by surprise I told him which pancakes I wanted. But to order pancakes by themselves were FIVE pancakes! I was so angry. I wanted to yell at Ly for convincing me to come and for making me believe that we were going to share a meal. But I also knew it wasn’t his fault that I ended up wasting my time and eating too much pancakes. Even when I only ate 2-1/2 pancakes it was too much (it seemed like a waste to eat less than that). Looking back I couldn’t think of how I could have made the right decisions with what I knew then. So it wasn’t really my fault either. Fate was against me. Fate and five pancakes.
…At least they tasted good.

Chocolate

It's been a week with Spark People and I have gained a pound. I don't blame Spark People though. I'm taking it really slow. I'm not counting calories. Not yet, anyways. My last attempt is still fresh in my mind, and I have no urge in re-creating that torture. Additionally, today is Ash Wednesday. For those of you who don't observe it...It's the being of Lent. Growing up Catholic, there's an option to give up something for 40 days in addition to having no meat on Fridays. This year, I decided to give up chocolate. My addiction to it is quite sinful, and I've always had difficulty staying away from the 7 deadly sins. So in anticipation of my abstenance from chocolate, I've been eating a lot of it in the past week. You can say that my Fat Tuesday started last Tuesday and ended yesterday. But starting today, there'll be no more chocolate. Another challenge I've taken on this year is that I'm going to try to be non-chalant about it. So if someone offers me a chocolate cake, I'm not going to say "I gave it up for Lent", I'm going to just say "No thank you."

Ironically, I started watching "Chocolat" over the weekend. Ly has collected a ton of DVDs that we haven't gotten around to watching them, so I've started watching them as I did the laundry. I'm going through them alphabetically, and "Chocolat" was just the next DVD. So it's really a strange coincidence that I should be watching it right before Lent. Ironcially it's about this lady who opens up a chocolate shop in an uptight, God-fearing town, right before Lent, the season of abstanence. I haven't finished watching it, but I think it's trying to say, "Live a little". I don't care for the movie. It's quite stupid and simplistic and offers no solence for a chocolate addict like myself.

Spark People

I joined Spark People. I’ve been meaning to do so, and I finally did it! Yay, me!

I’m following their program. So for the next two weeks these are my goals:

1. 2 servings of vegetable and or fruit a day
2. 8 hours of sleep at night
3. Listen to a get-up-and-go song a day

So far, 8 hours of sleep has been the major challenge. It’s hard with so much that needs to be done, husband who’s on his laptop in bed, kids who wake up at night, and acid reflux. Right now there doesn’t seem to be anyway around these obstacles. Well, maybe the “husband who’s on his laptop in bed” can be addressed. I just didn’t have the heart to tell him to leave when we spend so little time together as it is. I figure that even when unconscious, at least we’re spending time together.

Richard Simmons Super Sweatin’ Party Off the Pounds!

Today, I decided to take the kids to my parents’ house to deliver some Valentine cards, and while I was there I decided to try out the new “Richard Simmons Super Sweatin’ Party Off the Pounds!” DVD that I gave to my mom. Not surprisingly, my mom hasn’t tried it out yet. My sister, however, tried some of it and liked it, so I decided to try it out.

I liked it. I wish they made more workout DVDs to music that I like.

Additionally, although campy, Richard Simmons knows how to draw out the emotions. He knows how to get you enthused, motivated, and moved. I’m embarrassed to say this, but I was crying at parts. And crying while working out is a strange experience.

Sometimes I feel so alone in this journey towards weight loss that I can’t help but cry when I discover that I am not. And I think that’s the effect that this DVD had on me...

...or I can be PMS’ing.

Need to Change my Habits

I have a serious sugar habit. It’s been extremely bad lately. The good news is that my weight hasn’t change despite my poor diet. The bad news is that my weight hasn't decreased either. These are things that I know can curb my urges.

1. Regular exercise

2. Healthy snacks

3. Plenty of water

I think I’ve been okay with exercise. I’ve been poor with healthy snacks. It takes a bit of preparation, and I’ve been un-motivated and lazy. Water. I can do better. Maybe I should keep track of my water intake to see how much I really am drinking.

I should eat more vegetables and count calories, also. I tried counting calories earlier in the year, but the task is so daunting. It’s not so much the keeping track of what I eat but the searching for how much calories foods are is such a pain. I’ll rather be doing something else.