Landslide

I’m sliding like how a snowball slides, picking up speed and getting bigger and bigger. Eventually the snowball is unstoppable and catastrophic. How do I stop something like that?

Every night I lie awake, full from eating too much, excited with the promise of tomorrow. Because tomorrow is when I will do better and I will have a perfect day. Eating within my calories. Eating in moderation. Then the next day is here, and I do something stupid like eat 12 servings of cookies, half a loaf of dessert bread, or four bars of chocolate. I’m eating so much and continuously that I can’t remember feeling hungry for weeks. I miss feeling hungry.

Oddly enough, I’m still feeling optimistic. I still lie awake and feel confident that I can do well the next day. This has to be good. This must mean there is still hope.

I know what my problem is. My expectations are too high. I want perfection. I expect to eat like how I use to when my motivation is swelling over the brim. When this whole weight loss thing was interesting. I need to start over. But what should my first step be? Should I start recording food again? Should plan ahead? Should eat intuitively? Should I re-initiate the SP diet? I have tried them all and none of them are appealing at the moment.

Animal

I went to a Filipino Christmas party recently and there were these Mexican deep-fried flour tortilla rolls that were pretty good. Actually, they were the only things at the party that were worth eating, but whoever brought it only brought a small amount. Not enough for everyone at the party to have one, and this was where my dilemma was. Instinctively I wanted to rush for seconds and maybe even thirds or fourths before they were all gone, but logically I should let everyone else have the rest so as much people as possible had a chance at it. I am reminded of the trouble I have with my Asian, non-Filipino friends and their opinions around sharing food. I had gotten into a lot of flack around eating all the good stuff before anyone else has had the chance. Filipinos, however, have always been indifferent to my greed. Actually, during a recent fiesta, I remember the party members swarming over the freshly made soup that the caterers brought out with no intention of leaving enough for everyone. At the time, I was somewhat irritated, because I had developed the habit of waiting patiently for my turn; my instinct to swarm with the rest was squelched by negative regard from the past. I start to think about communal animals in the wild. I don’t know much about them, but I’ve seen a few animal documentary shows. I imagine that wolves fight for as much of the shared food as possible, because those whom weren’t assertive ended up dead from starvation. I also imagine that monkeys have a different social order. I’ve seen documentaries where monkeys become outcasts because of their rude behavior and those who are without a community also end up dead. I know that we aren’t wild animals and I know that there is no scarcity of food, but I believe that there are some animal instincts left, especially with me. I sat at my table, eying that plate of tortilla rolls as the remaining disappeared one by one. I was pretty sure that no one would have cared that I went for seconds but still I remained seated, my greedy animal fighting with my ultraistic diplomat. Then the last roll disappeared and the internal fight disappeared with it and I wondered what the big deal was. I was so afraid that I would feel regret not eating seconds, but there were none. Actually, I felt quite proud. There would have been more regret if I had eaten more than I should have.

Diet Girl's Scavenger Hunt

This post is an entry to Diet Girl’s contest, which consists of a scavenger hunt to take pictures of various items. If I win, I get to own her book!

I had learned of this contest on Wednesday, but I wanted to take my time with gathering the pictures.

1. A bicycle – I just bought this bike and it has been useful in getting me excited about exercise again after my recent exercise slump.



2. A bald man – This is a picture of the gingerbread men that I baked for Hunter during my friend’s visit. Although I went hog wild on them, compared to other cookies that I enjoy, these were quite low calorie. Additionally, these were 100% whole-wheat. If I had made them with molasses as they are normally made, they would have been even more nutritious since molasses actually has nutritional value compared to most other sweeteners.

3. Elvis – This is a move that my aerobics instructor LOVES. She likes to get us to say “Huah!” when we do it. Only some do, me included. It really does get your energy up.

4. Greek yogurt – I know that taking a picture of an actual Greek yogurt wasn’t required, but I had wanted to try it out anyway.

5. A wedding dress – MY wedding dress, which my cousin-in-law will wear for her upcoming wedding. I had tried it on before we shipped it off to her, and it didn’t fit. Dang I was skinny back then!

6. The letter D – This D is on a book I’m currently reading about cooking tips.

7. The letter G – This G is on book about bike trails in my area.

Challenge Success!

Sarah had challenged me to meet my exercise goal. My goal was to exercise four days last week starting Monday ending Sunday. I am happy to say that I succeeded. Here’s a rundown of my success.

Monday: Day of rest. Strange to start a challenge with a day of rest, but that’s what I did.

Tuesday: Aerobics tapes after I procrastinated and sat around for a while. I was suppose to go to my aerobics class but missed it. Before Hunter’s Thanksgiving vacation, there was a week of minimum days, which actually translated to having Hunter come to school an hour and a half early. I had gotten used to rushing Hunter out the door, then taking my time to eat breakfast and prepare myself that I had forgotten the regular routine, which was to prepare him early so that I can leave the house fifteen minutes before him.

Wednesday: Day of rest. I was supposed to go jogging with my neighbor, but his daughter and my daughter were not up for it, so it was postponed until Friday.

Thursday: Went to my aerobics class! Although, I was totally not feeling up to it since I had poor sleep for a couple of nights already. It didn’t help that there was a substitute with such a calming voice. I had to actually resist the urge to fall asleep.

Friday: Went jogging with my neighbor, but he forgot his inhaler. He needed to stop half-way through our run, so I only got 10 minutes in. It didn’t matter to me. For jogging, 10 minutes is plenty.

Saturday: Went biking with Ly.

Sunday: Went biking by myself.