Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The Opinions Expressed...

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Lately I’ve been reading blogs of women whom are in the dating scene. It’s very interesting, fun, and sometimes heartbreaking to read. Being married, I am so glad that I no longer have to subject myself to the dating scene where first impressions and appearances seem so paramount. Recalling that time I remembered that I really wanted some guy to like me, but how would I go about it? Luckily I’ve had the pleasure to know some, so I would listen closely as they detailed what they liked and didn’t like in a woman. I’ve learned a bit, but I’m only going to detail the ones about weight and diet because that’s the whole point of what I’m trying to get at in this post.

What had really got me thinking about appearances was a post by Diet Blog that talked about prejudices people have regarding someone’s weight and eating habits. So I started thinking about my own prejudices, and I started thinking about those that I’ve known. And the opinions that came to the forefront were the opinions of Ly and his group of friends (Trieu, Trung, and Lan), especially the ones I heard when I was an impressionalbe undergrad. Ly and his group of friends are unbelievably frank and have no problem sharing their opinions with everyone. They especially loved to critique the way a girl looked. When I had lost a tremendous amount of weight in undergrad (more than I should have), my now husband had asked his best friend Trieu what he thought about the way I looked. Trieu then sized me up and criticized my arm flab. They actually critiqued me as if I was a painting hanging in the museum! And I was fine with it! I then also remembered that an overweight girl had a crush on Trung. Trieu and Lan would then make fun of her (behind her back, of course), because they thought she was stupid to think she had a chance when she was so fat. Although Ly and Trung didn’t voice this opinion, they didn’t dispute them. All of these observations helped me develop an understanding of the male psyche. Although now that I look at it, they were very unscientific observations. I mean, come on, these idiots can’t represent the common guy. But they did represent the type of guy I was attracted to, since one of them so happened to be Ly. Although I know he doesn’t have the exact same opinions as his friends, I can’t help but think of them as an entity with one brain.

In the end, Ly’s opinion is the only opinion that matters now. And what I do know for sure is that he likes a girl who can eat and enjoy her food. At the same time he’s turned off by a girl whom eats very little and appear to not enjoy her food. This made sense since according to Diet Blog, most people think that women whom ate little and healthily were viewed as feminine, and I know Ly is not attracted to feminine women. However, now that I’m on a diet, I have became one of these girls that he’s supposedly not attracted to. I wondered if he no longer found me attractive because of this, so I asked him. No use assuming what he thinks. He said he was fine with it. I believed him. So... carry on.

It's so strange how, even when married, we are still concerned whether we find ourselves attracted to each other or not. I always assumed that it shouldn’t matter once married. But for me there’s a small fear that I had short changed Ly or that I pulled a “bait and switch.” I remember all the things he liked about me when we were dating and how much I’ve changed since then, and I wonder how he can still be happy with me. But these are just foolish thoughts of someone who needs more self-esteem.

And while we’re on this subject of honesty in a relationship… I came out and told Ly that I still found him attractive no matter what size he was. He said that his decision to go on a diet had nothing to do with our conversation about his BMI. He said that he’s always known he was overweight and was always meaning to lose the weight but was lazy. Seeing me be healthy had motivated him to be healthy also. So, Yay! I’ve got a little bit more company on my journey!


Logical guy said...

Lily, I enjoy reading your posts because you are honest about the topics you write about, and also, you are a good writer! Dating. Heh. There are some people who like it, personally I hate looking for that "special someone" and once I'm in a relationship, I'd rather stay there because it feels so nice.

Anyway, about negative comments and judgements about size. Those guys probably wanted to be negative about something - it just happened to be about weight. Don't ask me why, but sometimes a person will diss another person for reasons of dislike or jealousy or poor ego.

Women seem to be more sensitive about comments (or potential comments) about size than men. Don't ask me why.

Based on my own experiences, if (heaven forbid) my girlfriend and I broke up, I would probably not start dating unless I was my goal weight as twice now, I have had resistance towards me trying to lose weight when my partner was heavier than myself.

Lily T said...

That's very interesting that there would be resistance to you losing weight when your partner is heavier. I know that I'm heavier than Ly and secretly wished I was lighter. Maybe I've been ignoring the fact he was overweight, because him losing weight would mean that I would be even heavier!

I fear no one’s opinion! I am knowledgeable, focused, and efficient. I make this priority and build from experience. I do this for my children and myself. Supported by love, I will persevere.