Thursday, April 26, 2007

Ly is ...Overweight?!

I am shocked beyond belief! Ly is overweight!

A few nights ago, Ly was telling me that I don’t look overweight anymore, which was strange, since according to my BMI and body fat percentage, I still was. He asked me if he was overweight. He’d asked me this before and I always told him he wasn’t, but this time he was asking me to check his BMI, so I did. And he was. About 10 pounds overweight! This shocked me. I asked him how long he had been this weight. He said for at least 10 years! I’ve only been overweight for 7 yet the focus on who should be losing weight has always been me. I remember reading a post from Diet Blog how women are more than likely to think they’re overweight than men, but men are more than likely to be overweight. I had thought it was because of culture. Culturally women are supposed to be smaller than men. Then I also remembered reading a study that discovered overweight African American women don’t think they’re overweight because they were comparing themselves to the people around them, whom happen to also be overweight. I think this is what had happened in our situation. Everyone is overweight. Everyone. It’s hard to tell how someone of healthy weight should look like. Although, the women in the magazines and TV are, in my opinion, underweight, somehow media has not influenced me into perceiving men a certain way. So when I see Ly, I see normal, but normal is overweight in the US! When I sat wide-eyed at the number I had written, the blood drained from head. How could I have let this go on and not do anything about it? My father-in-law has a whole host of problems that should be related to his weight, but he looks normal. So I assumed that it was from genetics. I assumed that his poor mental health contributed to it also. But now that I look at it, my father-in-law has a gut, so his weight may have also contributed to his health. And at this rate my husband may have the same fate. I suddenly felt a strong sense of failure as a wife. Others may think that the health of one’s significant other should be their responsibility, and I halfway agree. But the other half doesn’t. Now I’m thorn. Ever since that evening, Ly has been asking questions like, “Do you find me unattractive?” Well, of course not! But then he asked me to compare himself to his old self. The one I met in college. Well, heck, we all looked more attractive in college! Half of me want to tell him that it doesn’t matter (which it doesn’t), but the other half want him to be healthy and that if I answered accordingly I can motivate him to be healthy. So I stalled, and now he thinks I’m disgusted with him. Now he’s on a diet, and I feel awful! He was a fat child, and his family and other children were merciless. Did I just contribute to the damage?


Token Fat Girl said...

hey lily,
Hope you are well, it may help to know the BMI is not always accurate. Me and my boyfriend were talking about this recently and most athletes have a BMI that would call them overweight or even obese, when they obviously are not.
I dont think BMI should be the only deciding factor in someones health.
As far as your response to his concern, I will say that with my struggles with my weight, my bf used to do the tough love thing, hoping it would help motivate me to lose weight. But, really it made me feel worse and recentful toward him. Now he is positive and encouraging and truthfully tells me he finds me attractive and works on being healthy with me...which builds me up more.
Attractivness and BMI are just small parts of wellness (in my opinion)...does he work out, eat well? Those are more important questions.
Take care and dont beat yourself up!

TrixieBelden said...

Hey there,

Unfortunately, there is no right answer to someone who is concerned about their weight. You couldn't have come up with the right answer because he doesn't even know what he wants to hear. The bottomline is to make sure your intent and meaning are coming from a place of love and understanding and support, which knowing you, I'm sure it is. Maybe you two should sit down and have another talk so he understands how you feel.

Logical guy said...

The old "does my bottom look fat in this?" with the genders reversed. I think that your partners confidence in himself has been a bit broken and needs a bit of fixing.

Speaking as a guy, he needs just like women to feel attractive, but he also needs to feel looked after and that someone will tell him that he needs to change something so you too can have a long life togther.

BMI is used as a statistical tool, to say that "xx% of the population are considered overweight". There are HUGE differences between people and maybe he has lots of muscle or bones. 10lbs is not much.

In my opinion, the best diagnostic tool is a full length mirror. That being said, most people would not be considered slim, and yet people are not dropping like flies with heart disease. An even better method is waist to hip ratio or waist circumference.

It goes without saying that the best way to restore his confidence is in the bedroom.

Megan said...

Oh man, tough one. I suggest reassuring him that you find him sexy at any size. Ten pounds? Dang, I wish I only had 10 pounds to lose! haha Put yourself in his shoes, so to speak. Would you want reassurance from him? If so, then he probably wants the same. Tell him that although he is sexy to you, if he would like to focus on a healthy lifestyle like you that you'd love to do this with him. After all, focusing on health for both of you is a great way to show you care.

I fear no one’s opinion! I am knowledgeable, focused, and efficient. I make this priority and build from experience. I do this for my children and myself. Supported by love, I will persevere.