Then and Now

When I became overweight, I was in a state of denial. I perceived myself as still pretty. I think my sister Kiki’s hand-me-downs helped a lot. I didn’t like to spend money on clothes, so I bought solid, neutral separates that I can mix and match and get by with as little clothing as possible. When I was gaining weight, so was Kiki, so she gave me her clothes that she had outgrown and it worked out fine. Kiki favored feminine clothing with bright colors and floral patterns. Her clothing also tended to be tailored or fitted. As a result I felt feminine. I also had boobage to show off my femininity (which is slowly disappearing as I lose the weight). It was looking at photos of myself that I realized I was fooling myself. That and my deteriorating health: The acid reflux, plantar fasciitis, snoring, poor sleep, and lethargy. Each time I see my nurse practitioner regarding a condition, she always said, “You have so and so, which is common when you’re overweight.” What?! I am? The good thing about my nurse practitioner is that she never said that I should lose weight. She just mentioned it as if it was something we would have to work around. But I did get the drift. When I lose weight all these problems will go away. Well, some went away and some have only decreased in intensity. It’s kind of disappointing that they didn’t all magically disappear when I reached a healthy weight (albeit, at the upper edge of the spectrum). Maybe when a get closer to my goal I will be rid of these health problems once and for all.

A strange thing that’s happening is that I am becoming more and more self-conscious of my imperfections as I lose the weight. I think before I thought I was pretty as a way to protect my ego, but now that I’m thinner my psyche can handle the awareness of how I really look. In addition, I only bought new bottoms since I’ve lost the weight, because they were literally falling off. With my tops, I have put some away that just look odd on me now, but some can still pass as looking decent. The problem is, nothing will show off my new figure, so I no longer feel feminine. That and my shrinking boobs. It was during a picnic when my shirt got wet and my cousin’s girlfriend lend me her spare that I realized that I can feel feminine again if I just wore more fitted clothing. I just can’t justify spending the money. I’ll rather take my chances that Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear will someday surprise me with a shopping spree.