Lily Loss Lbs.

Re-Start

2008-04-28T21:39:00.000-07:00

Thank you Token Fat Girl for bringing me back from the dead. Her comment reminded me that I still have this blog and thinking about weight loss again.

Okay. So I’ve moved, but not really. I’m currently staying at my parents’ house and my life has turned upside down with disarray. All of our belongings are in boxes, I’ve started to work, and we’re working on our house at the same time. This moving thing really sucks. As a result I’m eating and eating and have no idea how much I weigh, because the scale is packed away somewhere. I had tried weighing on my sister’s scale, but the number was just so large that I decided that it sucked and refused to weigh myself until I got my old scale back. Unfortunately, at the rate we’re going, that won’t be anytime soon. What was suppose to be three weeks at my parents’ has turned into two months, and I’m tired of putting my life on hold, so tomorrow I will be weighing myself using my sister’s scale.

Exercise-wise, I haven’t been doing that much better. I’ve stopped weight training all together, but I still go biking. I love it. Listening to my music and daydreaming as I wiz by breath-taking scenery. Nothing gets better than that. But I do know I should probably reintroduce strength training back into my life (yuck). I will be looking at my schedule and see where I can put it in. With everything going on, I don’t know where to start.

Paperwork Anxieties

2008-02-22T07:02:00.000-08:00

We will most definitely move. Yesterday I worked all day researching the law and putting together paperwork for the renters to sign in the evening. Oh, the anxiety! I really wished we had enough money to hire a lawyer. I really wished I had more time. I really hope that it doesn’t bit us in the ass somewhere down the line. Anyways, it’s done now. They’ve signed and it is official. Yet, I am still anxious.

The strange thing about anxiety is that I am oblivious to eating. I have no urge to eat my meals, but if Teresa leaves her crackers on my desk, I will definitely munch on it. And I don’t forget to take breaks for chocolate.

Moving Anxieties

2008-02-20T07:39:00.000-08:00

I haven’t been doing anything regarding my goals: eating, procrastinating, etc. It’s been hard for me to focus on anything else outside of the fact that we might be moving soon and renting out our current house. It has caused me great anxiety, and I wonder why I ever agreed to do this. I haven’t been sleeping too well, and I’m fortunate that I have the option to take a nap with Teresa or I would be dysfunctional. Our finances will be razor thin after the move, and I can’t seem to find the time to look for work when looking for renters and researching about land lording and laws has occupied all my time.

Despite all this, I have continued to include exercise in my life. It really have become a habit, and it helps when I tell myself that it’s a stress reliever. As planned, I went hiking over the weekend, and I totally enjoyed myself.

Early Spring

2008-02-11T17:09:00.000-08:00

Hunter brings home a weekly newsletter from his kindergarten class that gives me a brief of what they have been up to. Apparently, his class had voted that the groundhog DIDN’T see his shadow so there’ll be an early spring. It was cute, but they may be on to something because it sure feels like spring is here. The rain has stopped, the sun out, and it has been warmer. I went biking and the trails were crowded. My sister and I are also talking about doing more outside activities such as biking and hiking. Next week, if all goes well, we may go hiking with our cousins.

I’m definitely a creature of the sun, gathering all of the warm and nice days as I can and going outside whenever possible.

Orange Sunday and Southwestern Bean Dip

2008-02-06T15:43:00.000-08:00

I hosted a Superbowl Party on Sunday. Before that, my mother-in-law gave us a bag full of her homegrown sour oranges. And you know what they say when life gives you sour oranges make orange something, and that’s what I did for my party. Here was my menu.

Appetizer: Southwestern bean dip with chips
Salad: romaine lettuce with ORANGE vinaigrette
Main: ORANGE vinaigrette chicken with wild rice
Dessert: ORANGE bread

When I watch Iron Chief, I always thought it would be fun to make a three-course meal incorporating one ingredient. Now I done it, and it WAS fun. However, by the end of the evening I was oranged out, and my acid reflux was none too happy with it.

Not surprisingly, the big hit of the party was the bean dip, the only thing on the menu that didn’t have orange. Originally, I had intended to make it using a recipe from Eating Well, but I ended up omitting half of the ingredients and adding more of what I did use for compensation, coming up with a whole different recipe. I thought I would share it here:

Southwestern Bean Dip

1 16-ounce can refried beans
4 scallions, sliced
1/2 cup prepared salsa
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
2 plum tomatoes, chopped
1 medium avocado, chopped

1. Combine refried beans, scallions, salsa, and chili powder in a medium bowl. Transfer to a shallow 2-quart microwave-safe dish; sprinkle with cheese.
2. Microwave on High until the cheese is melted and the beans are hot, 3 to 5 minutes.3. Scatter with tomato and avocado.

Makes 6 servings. 198 calories, 12 g fat, 16.5 g carbs, 3.3 g fiber, 9.2 g protein

EatingWell also has a tortilla chip recipe that I used to accompany this dip and was delish.

Marshmallow's Contest

2008-02-03T22:25:00.000-08:00

So I completed my fourth day of recording food in-take, and I went over my calorie range. This time however it wasn’t snacking that done me in, but the French bread I had for lunch. Damn you, carb-based foods! But the good news is I completed it.

In other news, Marshmallow has issued a contest with prizes! It’s a similar contest to Dietgirl’s in that I will be gathering pictures in a scavenger hunt. Wish me luck.

1. Something Brown - Is this low-fat turkey burger vegetable soup that I’ve made that surprisingly my whole family loves!

2. Something Orange - My favorite color! For this one, I didn’t search past my own blog. Here is my profile picture of an orange flower.

3. Something Purple - In high school my basketball jersey was purple, although I never was THIS sexy wearing it or ever will be no matter how much weight I lose. Well, maybe in my imagination.

4. A Marshmallow - This is the marshmallow monster from the movie “Ghostbusters."

5. Someone Sleeping - Sleeping beauty. A fellow blogger had noticed that we put our lives on hold for when we reach our target weight like sleeping beauty waiting for the prince, but life is worth living NOW! Very insightful.

6. A Cat - Garfield. He's fat and lazy like me!

7. The Letter M - M is for Mardi Gras, which will be this Tuesday.

8. The Letter W - Umm… W is for watch. Sorry, I lost all my creativity. If only I knew how to make those talk and thought bubbles!

Recording in Small Doses

2008-02-02T08:07:00.000-08:00

Today’s the last day of recording, and it’s strange to say but I think I might miss it. I had stopped recording early December after recording for 9 straight months, because I was tired of it and at that point it felt useless. I was going over calories constantly and just didn’t care. So I decided to take a break, resuming January 1st. Well January 1st came, and nothing changed. It was still a drag. I managed to record for a whole week before giving up. But now it feels different. I’m actually enjoying myself and seeing the results of the day is fascinating for me for the first time in a long time. I’m not making my calorie range, but I am learning something. So far, I discovered that currently I am snacking too much. Every day the past three days I managed to overdo it. Very interesting. Here’s hoping that I’ve learned my lesson for the fourth day.

Weekly and Lenten Challenge

2008-01-30T22:36:00.000-08:00

I have started to record food intake again, starting today and ending Saturday. I’ll see how it goes. I do not have the urge to record food in-take everyday for the rest of my life. These four days will have to do for now, and we’ll see what I should do after my next weigh-in on Monday.

I’ve decided to set-up personal weekly challenges and reward myself when I meet those challenges. The recording food in-take for four days will be this week’s challenge. If I complete this challenge I will give myself 50 cents towards my weight loss fund and if I’m within calorie range for three of those days I will give myself another 50 cents. I know it has taken me a long time to mull over and finally decide on a something so simple, but simple is actually very difficult to do. I read other weight loss blogs of those whom belong to Weight Watchers, and I must say, I’m jealous that they have a reward system ingrained in their program. That they don’t have to sit there and think about what reward system would be best. Might be for the better, considering how fiercely independent and defiant I am.

Yesterday, Ly and I were talking about Lent coming up. As usual, Ly has difficulty coming up with what to give up and asked me to decide for him. I tell him, because it always makes him strangely happy since he likes to treat abstinence during Lent as a dare. The drawback, however, is that he thinks he can tell ME what I should give up. Um… I don’t think so. I was ready to say “Don’t tell me what to do!” but this year he actually came up with a good one that I would never have thought of: procrastination. Since I started abstaining for Lent it was always been a toss up between chocolate and TV. It’s high time I try something different.

Vaguely Victorious

2008-01-25T09:57:00.000-08:00

I can’t believe that I am posting so soon after my last post! Every day I’m doing better and better. Which appears to be the way I operate. There are rare occasions when I get inspired and I’m operating at full tilt, but most of the time I acknowledge that I need to change and I work away at it like a sculptor chipping away at slab of stone. As for my goals I had set up, the limiting TV/Internet and high calorie foods, I’m doing okay. I’m not being rigorous with keeping track of everything, but I can only recall 3 instances this past week and a half when I had overate high calorie foods and I had actually lost weight this week. That has to account for something. As for limiting TV/Internet, I was able to pull myself away enough to get some filing done. It’s not the type of victory that I would make movies about, but it feels like I’m finally pulling away from failure. Now my next step would be to set up some recording/award system, so that I know for sure when I’m doing good. I had one set up, but it was largely dependent on my calorie intake. Now that I’m no longer caring about that, I should probably think of another system.

"How did you do it?"

2008-01-23T16:31:00.000-08:00

Earlier this month my sister asked me how I lost the weight. It’s that time of year when most people are feeling extra motivated to lose weight, my sister included. Unfortunately, I wasn’t feeling it, so I wasn’t currently following a healthy lifestyle and had forgotten what I had done to lose all the weight. So when I answered, I wasn’t much help.

“…Ummm…I chose healthy whenever possible, but if I really feel like eating something than eat it…Ummm…When eating desserts I eat about this amount (form small dome with hands)…ummm…(long pause).”

Cousin chimes in to be helpful: “Do you eat small meals throughout the day?”

“…Uh…no… I eat breakfast, lunch, dinner, and sometimes snack.”

Sister says: “Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and sometimes snack? Eat whatever you want? So basically, I should keep on doing what I’ve been doing.”

“…uh…ummm…(shrugs).”

I’ve been waiting for the window to help my sister and I totally blew it! So, I’ve thought it over. This is what I ACTUALLY did to lose the weight…

1. Record food intake
2. Plan/schedule exercise
3. Reward myself
4. Find support
5. Try new things

Now, that’s the bare bones of it all of what I did, but I also know that what worked for me may not work for someone else. Heck, it may not work for me currently. What I should have done was help her make her own plan. I should have asked her what she was currently doing and helped come up with her next (or first) step. THAT’S what I’ll do if ever another window opens.

Roni's Contest

2008-01-20T23:16:00.000-08:00

Check out Roni’s new contest! I can win a Nutrition Smart Scale from Eat Smart and so can you! Click here for details!

The Art of Limiting

2008-01-16T07:35:00.000-08:00

I’m having an issue with time and the perception of time. I believe I have none and quite possibly I don’t. I was contemplating eliminating blogging and other activities out of my life, so that I can devote more time for job searching. “But which one?” I thought. So I wrote down all the things I do and would like to do during the week and all the time I actually have. And do you know what I discovered? I discovered that Ly was right. I have plenty of time to do all the things I want to do with time to spare for goofing off. My issue is that I have great difficulty limiting. Once I start daydreaming, it’s hard for me to snap out of it. It’s the same with TV watching and using the Internet. And it’s the same with eating food that I enjoy. All these things are similar to me in that way. At the same time, I can’t just eliminate these things from my life. I would like to go back to when I was living in moderation. I’ve done it before, and I’m sure I can do it again. I just need to practice.

Plan:
Limit TV watching and Internet 2 hours/day
Limit snacks and high-calorie snacks 1 serving/day

Review and Resolution

2008-01-07T11:59:00.000-08:00

Thank you everyone for continuing to check in and comment on my blog despite my MIA status. Sorry about that. I have been out of town since the day after Christmas with full intention of blogging, but never doing it. I’ve also been home since the 3rd and haven’t gotten myself to blog until today. But today is the end of my silence and hopefully you’ll be hearing me more frequently this coming year, because that so happens to be one of my weight loss resolutions: to post at least once a week. But before I get to that, I would like to review 2007 year of weight loss.

I started off that year after what I termed as “The Quarter from Hell”. Even with a month off, I was in a pessimistic, depressive slump. During that whole quarter, I promised that I would get back on the exercise/diet wagon with full vigor as soon as vacation hit, but that didn’t happen. It was more of a small crawl. Making my new year’s resolution for last year just felt like routine and I had no optimism in the process. Luckily, the quarter that followed was a more manageable load. I was able to put attention to my weight loss and actually saw it as a welcome break from school work and internship. I joined SparksPeople and was able to successfully log in my food intake for which was quite a feat, considering the year before this was something I struggled at. As I predicted, weight loss became much easier after I started recording, and I lose the weight in an almost predictable manner. However, I struggled with the whole recording process. I had difficulty gauging the calories I was consuming and obsessed over what I ate. I felt guilty for going over the recommended range of weight loss, and I didn’t like feeling guilty. During the middle of the year, I worked on letting go of the guilt with the help of intuitive eating. I continued to record but I used the numbers instead as something to reflect on. However, a drawback of letting go of guilt has been my abandonment with sweets and chocolate. Especially chocolate. Before, I was eating chocolate in moderation, but come Halloween, all of that went out the window. A part was also because of winter blues. My numbers were off the roof, and I became indifferent to them. Come December, I became tired of recording food intake and decided to take a break. It seemed pointless since seeing the outrageous amount of calories I consumed per day did not discourage me from over eating.

For the year I lost around 30 pounds! 50 pounds since my highest. And I must admit. Life without the weight is so much sweeter. I feel prettier and confident, and Ly and I are having more sex. Despite my recent spiral into over-indulgence, I conclude that this has been a successful year of weight loss. Things that I did well this year was to maintain regular exercise, record food intake, weigh-in regularly, and blog.

Things I would like to work on for this year is to control over-indulging and to stretch everyday and of course to maintain the good habits I have obtained so far. My goal for this year would be to reach my target weight and maintain.

This year feels much more optimistic than last year, but this year weight loss is not my number one resolution. There is also the trouble of finding work, which would take priority. Seeing how weight loss fits in the coming year will be interesting.

Landslide

2007-12-22T19:05:00.000-08:00

I’m sliding like how a snowball slides, picking up speed and getting bigger and bigger. Eventually the snowball is unstoppable and catastrophic. How do I stop something like that?

Every night I lie awake, full from eating too much, excited with the promise of tomorrow. Because tomorrow is when I will do better and I will have a perfect day. Eating within my calories. Eating in moderation. Then the next day is here, and I do something stupid like eat 12 servings of cookies, half a loaf of dessert bread, or four bars of chocolate. I’m eating so much and continuously that I can’t remember feeling hungry for weeks. I miss feeling hungry.

Oddly enough, I’m still feeling optimistic. I still lie awake and feel confident that I can do well the next day. This has to be good. This must mean there is still hope.

I know what my problem is. My expectations are too high. I want perfection. I expect to eat like how I use to when my motivation is swelling over the brim. When this whole weight loss thing was interesting. I need to start over. But what should my first step be? Should I start recording food again? Should plan ahead? Should eat intuitively? Should I re-initiate the SP diet? I have tried them all and none of them are appealing at the moment.

Animal

2007-12-17T15:37:00.000-08:00

I went to a Filipino Christmas party recently and there were these Mexican deep-fried flour tortilla rolls that were pretty good. Actually, they were the only things at the party that were worth eating, but whoever brought it only brought a small amount. Not enough for everyone at the party to have one, and this was where my dilemma was. Instinctively I wanted to rush for seconds and maybe even thirds or fourths before they were all gone, but logically I should let everyone else have the rest so as much people as possible had a chance at it. I am reminded of the trouble I have with my Asian, non-Filipino friends and their opinions around sharing food. I had gotten into a lot of flack around eating all the good stuff before anyone else has had the chance. Filipinos, however, have always been indifferent to my greed. Actually, during a recent fiesta, I remember the party members swarming over the freshly made soup that the caterers brought out with no intention of leaving enough for everyone. At the time, I was somewhat irritated, because I had developed the habit of waiting patiently for my turn; my instinct to swarm with the rest was squelched by negative regard from the past. I start to think about communal animals in the wild. I don’t know much about them, but I’ve seen a few animal documentary shows. I imagine that wolves fight for as much of the shared food as possible, because those whom weren’t assertive ended up dead from starvation. I also imagine that monkeys have a different social order. I’ve seen documentaries where monkeys become outcasts because of their rude behavior and those who are without a community also end up dead. I know that we aren’t wild animals and I know that there is no scarcity of food, but I believe that there are some animal instincts left, especially with me. I sat at my table, eying that plate of tortilla rolls as the remaining disappeared one by one. I was pretty sure that no one would have cared that I went for seconds but still I remained seated, my greedy animal fighting with my ultraistic diplomat. Then the last roll disappeared and the internal fight disappeared with it and I wondered what the big deal was. I was so afraid that I would feel regret not eating seconds, but there were none. Actually, I felt quite proud. There would have been more regret if I had eaten more than I should have.

Diet Girl's Scavenger Hunt

2007-12-10T21:33:00.000-08:00

This post is an entry to Diet Girl’s contest, which consists of a scavenger hunt to take pictures of various items. If I win, I get to own her book!

I had learned of this contest on Wednesday, but I wanted to take my time with gathering the pictures.

1. A bicycle – I just bought this bike and it has been useful in getting me excited about exercise again after my recent exercise slump.

2. A bald man – This is a picture of the gingerbread men that I baked for Hunter during my friend’s visit. Although I went hog wild on them, compared to other cookies that I enjoy, these were quite low calorie. Additionally, these were 100% whole-wheat. If I had made them with molasses as they are normally made, they would have been even more nutritious since molasses actually has nutritional value compared to most other sweeteners.

3. Elvis – This is a move that my aerobics instructor LOVES. She likes to get us to say “Huah!” when we do it. Only some do, me included. It really does get your energy up.

4. Greek yogurt – I know that taking a picture of an actual Greek yogurt wasn’t required, but I had wanted to try it out anyway.

5. A wedding dress – MY wedding dress, which my cousin-in-law will wear for her upcoming wedding. I had tried it on before we shipped it off to her, and it didn’t fit. Dang I was skinny back then!

6. The letter D – This D is on a book I’m currently reading about cooking tips.

7. The letter G – This G is on book about bike trails in my area.

Challenge Success!

2007-12-10T12:46:00.000-08:00

Sarah had challenged me to meet my exercise goal. My goal was to exercise four days last week starting Monday ending Sunday. I am happy to say that I succeeded. Here’s a rundown of my success.

Monday: Day of rest. Strange to start a challenge with a day of rest, but that’s what I did.

Tuesday: Aerobics tapes after I procrastinated and sat around for a while. I was suppose to go to my aerobics class but missed it. Before Hunter’s Thanksgiving vacation, there was a week of minimum days, which actually translated to having Hunter come to school an hour and a half early. I had gotten used to rushing Hunter out the door, then taking my time to eat breakfast and prepare myself that I had forgotten the regular routine, which was to prepare him early so that I can leave the house fifteen minutes before him.

Wednesday: Day of rest. I was supposed to go jogging with my neighbor, but his daughter and my daughter were not up for it, so it was postponed until Friday.

Thursday: Went to my aerobics class! Although, I was totally not feeling up to it since I had poor sleep for a couple of nights already. It didn’t help that there was a substitute with such a calming voice. I had to actually resist the urge to fall asleep.

Friday: Went jogging with my neighbor, but he forgot his inhaler. He needed to stop half-way through our run, so I only got 10 minutes in. It didn’t matter to me. For jogging, 10 minutes is plenty.

Saturday: Went biking with Ly.

Sunday: Went biking by myself.

My Motivational Weight Loss Story

2007-11-30T19:13:00.000-08:00

This is my weight loss story minus all the boring stuff and focusing on what would motivate a reader. I had planned to send it to a contest but decided it wasn’t for me.

When I was younger I was energetic and enjoyed climbing and running. My energy was legendary, and my relatives continue to speak of it to this day. I remember after a day of endless play was coming to a close, I would sit on the top of the monkey bars and pretend I was on top of the world as the sunset signaled my time to go home. Even as I grew older, I enjoyed playing with children because it was a chance for me to become a child once again. Ironically, when I had my own children I was so heavy and sluggish that I no longer felt free when I played. I no longer had the urge TO play.

Throughout my young life, I was always of normal weight. Every once in a while, media bombardment and “friends” would make me feel fat, causing me to embark on an unnecessary weight loss endeavor, which always ended as my mood changed.

It was only after I married did I REALLY needed to lose weight. I was under the most stress that I’ve ever experience up to that point, causing me to eat uncontrollably. I gained weight and exceeded my husband's weight. I didn’t like being “bigger” than him, and I had wanted to reach a healthy weight so that we can have a baby. Unfortunately, wishful thinking doesn’t constitute as a weight loss plan and my weight stayed elevated. We grew impatient and decided to have a baby anyway. However, during my first pregnancy I ate terribly. At work, I had access to free chips and candy, which I frequented. Also I believed that smaller frequent meals were ideal for the baby. Unfortunately, I was never able to accomplish keeping my meals small, so they were just frequent and regular sized. My weight skyrocketed. After I gave birth and the edema wore off from the epidermal, I weighed 170 pounds. On my small 5’2” frame that kind of weight takes a toll. I developed foot problems, acid reflux, and sleeping problems. I felt depressed due to the anxiety from being a working mom for the first time, and nothing seemed to help except to work some more, hoping that I can catch up enough to finally relax. Inevitably, my reserves would run out and I found myself listless in front of the TV with a high-calorie snack. This whole time I knew I had a weight problem, and I attempted to tackle it through a series of false starts until life overwhelmed me and priorities change once again.

Then one evening, my husband confronted me with concern about my health. Normally this type of confrontation would have me running out of the room in tears, but this time was different. I found the courage to stay, and we talked. We talked all night. I told him of all my obstacles. Normally he would say that I was making excuses, but that evening (more like early morning by that point) he gave me permission to put my health as my first priority.

I know that some of you may be outraged that he was presumptuous enough to give me permission, but that was exactly what I needed, because I was unable to give myself permission.

I did it little by little. I started with developing a moderate exercise routine, and then I worked on developing a healthy diet. The weight would fall and stall and even go up a little. Every once in a while, I had to remind myself of what I promised that faithful night. That I was going to put my health first. Throughout the process, my anxiety and depression decreased. I started to feel optimistic that I can lose and keep the weight off. Most of all, I started to feel energetic again. Today I weigh 120 pounds. 5 pounds until I reach my target, but it hardly seems to matter anymore. I’m lighter, healthier, and happier.

I play with my children now, and we like to go to the park. There was one day when my 4-year-old son had me chase after him, and we ran and climbed all over that park like crazy. There was a moment, when I ran and scrambled up the jungle gym after him. He squealed with delight and made for the slide. I paused and looked around me. Below were mothers of other children, watching quietly, and I remembered being one of them, not too long ago. Not because I was uninterested, but because I was too tired. I stood there looking into my past and in awe of my moment, and I knew I made it to the life I wanted. My reverie broke because I saw that the sun was setting and there was more play needing to be done before we had to go home.

Bake-o-rama!

2007-11-25T17:34:00.000-08:00

I’ve been inspired to be in the kitchen more lately. It’s good, because I’m introducing more variety in our meals. It’s bad, because I seem to favor baking over meal preparation. Baking is more fun and people are more appreciative of it. Also I recently discovered King Arthur White Whole Flour.

It’s supposed to act and taste like white flour but with the goodness of whole grain, so I’ve been itching to use it and give the results to others. So when they say “Yum!” I say “Ha, ha! It’s whole wheat!”

So far I’ve made gingerbread men, almond bundt cake, cornbread, and piecrust with it. Everyone enjoyed them and didn’t notice a thing.

Although I’m loving how everyone is enjoying something a tad healthier for them that I’ve made, I’m eating way too much of my own creations. The almond bundt cake was supposed to be for my daughter’s birthday party for over 30 guests, but was ruined because I didn’t flour the pan and a part of it stuck. So it was left in our house for only my family of four to eat. It was suppose to serve 16, and I must have eaten 75% of it.

The gingerbread men were made because Hunter kept harping for me to make some. (Stupid kindergarten with their multiple stories about gingerbread men.) When a friend was coming over to visit I thought it would be an excellent opportunity to make them and not eat too much of the finished product. The recipe made TWENTY cookies. My friend only ate one, and the kids lost the urge to eat them after the first few. They sat in the breadbox, until finally Teresa and I finished them off. I must have eaten 10 of those twenty cookies.

The cornbread I brought to a housewarming. That went well, since I left the remaining bread at the party. So lesson learned. If I plan to make something make sure I have some place to off load it. One exception to the rule would be the pumpkin pie and piecrust that I made with The New American Cookbook.

The kids and I liked it. Ly didn’t. The crust was too unusual, and he complained of an aftertaste in the filling itself. I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about, because I didn’t get an aftertaste. I wonder if it’s the canola oil. The recipe asked to reduce the pumpkin in a pan of canola oil. Maybe it’s the All Spice. However the crust did taste unusual. It definitely had a canola oil taste to it, but it still tasted good to me. Anyway, it was one dessert that hardly made a dent in calories. I ate THREE slices first day of leftovers. I was expecting to be way over calories for the day, but when I entered it I pleasantly discovered I was not. This knocked me off my feet! I’ve made cinnamon bread and banana bread with similar calories per serving (not the same fat however), but I noticed that when I ate the pie I actually became so full that I didn’t feel like eating anything else. The breads took more for me to become full. Also I didn’t eat all three pieces of pie in one sitting like I would with bread. I have a theory about this and it has something to do with sugar. I’ll explain it another time for fear this post will become a book. Anyway, it’s definitely one pie I wouldn’t mind keeping around the house. At the same time it’s one pie I wouldn’t make for anyone else but for the kids and myself. For Thanksgiving I used a different pie recipe with real crust.

I did however used low fat evaporated milk and two egg whites and one egg rather than the two eggs that the recipe called for. My in-laws loved it. With the white whole-wheat flour in the crust, I felt like a successful thief. “Ha ha! It’s whole wheat AND lower in fat!”

What I Need to Do

2007-11-19T20:07:00.000-08:00

I discovered that I gained two pounds! Yet, I’m not feeling a great urgency to do better. I’m bummed and my motivation is low.

I don’t want to gain the weight back. I came up with a list of things I need to do to get back on the wagon.

1. Stop eating impulsively.
2. Sit down and focus when I eat.
3. Keep myself from getting overly hungry.
4. Calm myself if do I let myself get too hungry.

Shoe Buying

2007-11-16T15:11:00.000-08:00

With my recent bouts of Achilles’ tendonitis and plantar fasciitis, I decided to reassess my shoe situation and discovered I was long due for replacements. Even though these issues started when I was relatively inactive, I can’t help but think I will overcome them much more quickly if I bought the necessary footwear. Unfortunately, for me that means hundreds of dollars. It used to not be this way. I used to favor discount stores where I can get a pair of shoes for 40 dollars even 20 if there were a big sale, but I’ve had some bad luck with choosing the wrong shoes and getting blisters. With the inability to return shoes that looked worn, I had to spend another 40 dollars on a different pair. Not to mention the extra time it took to do that. So I’ve been going to stores where there would be someone knowledgeable to help me make decisions that I wouldn’t later regret.

The first replacements were my running shoes. For my running shoes, I decided to go to a specialty running store for the first time. Someone suggested Fleet Feet. And I must tell you, the service there was EXCELLENT. It was well worth spending regular price. The attendant created a chart for me to keep track of my shoes, size, and problems so that they can further improve their services in the future. In addition, he was crazy knowledgeable of everything I needed to know to make a good decision on my shoes. I also was allowed to run outside in them before purchasing. On top of that, I’m allowed to return within 30 days, even if I use them. That’s CRAZY!

After an obscene amount of occupying the attendant’s time with my dumb questions, I bought a pair of 7-1/2 Saucony Progrid Omni 6 Moderate Medium for one hundred dollars.

Per the attendant’s suggestion, I also bought expensive insoles made by Superfeet, so that was another 40 dollars. But those have a 60 day satisfaction guarantee, so I can return them if I want.

The second replacements were for my cross trainers. I had been using a pair of RYKA Intensity XT, which were okay.

I liked how RYKA specialized in woman’s athletic shoes and the fit is supposed to be ideal for women (thin heel and wide foot bed). Additionally, they didn’t give me blisters. However, they weren’t very good court shoes. I not only use cross trainers for aerobics and weight training, but I also used them for badminton, which required me to make quick stops. This was not the case with these shoes, where I would end up sliding halfway across the court when I had actually wanted to start heading back to the other side. Even Ly noticed this and told me to stop (as if I could). So when it came time to replace them, I decided to try another shoe. I went to Lady Foot Locker. (Can you tell that I have a weakness for woman-specific apparel?) The service there was not nearly as spectacular as at Fleet Feet. Actually, I found them to be barely knowledgeable and maybe even a little mis-informative. The attendant there suggested the Nike Shox Ballo.

They were a pair of gaudy, ugly shoes. And it wasn’t the weird heel that threw me off, but the silvery appearance of the shoe that yells, “look at me!” The attendant said that she had a pair of them and that she loved them, looking at her I can see why. She was very nice, but she screamed of teenager and I can distinctly hear the sound of “Ghetto Superstar” as her theme music.

I asked her what the difference would be between another pair of Nike Shox that was less flashy. She explained that they wouldn’t be as comfortable or supportive, because they cost less. I looked at the price and pointed out that they cost the same. She shrugged.

I ended up buy those shoes anyways, because I have a tendency to buy anything if the attendant was nice enough, but as I examined them at home, I decided that she didn’t know what she was talking about and that I WOULD exchanged them for a less flashy pair. I also decided to give them a test drive at home, while I still have them because I was still planning to buy Nike Shox, just less glamorous. So the next day, I did aerobics in them at home and I discovered that they felt uncomfortable. I took off the shoes and discovered that my feet were red on the sides. The shoes were too tight. Memories of blisters from cheap shoes came flooding back to me, so I whipped the bottom with a baby whip and I exchanged them for a totally different pair. A different lady helped me. Not so teenager-y or Ghetto Superstar-y, but not so friendly either. She kept tight-lipped with offering me any suggestions at all, and I wondered if she did so for ethical reasons, because she probably wasn’t trained to know.

I went with a pair of white New Balance 504. My sister buys this brand, because she tells me they’re made a little wider. And at 80 dollars, they were 20 dollars cheaper than the Nikes. So far I like them. I especially like how brilliantly white they are and how the reflectors twinkle up at me. I wore them to aerobics class with my white baby tee and black stretch pants, and I must tell you, I looked awesome!

Image

2007-11-11T21:59:00.000-08:00

Because of the wedding and Teresa’s birthday party, I’ve been seeing a lot of people whom I haven’t seen in a long while, and the first thing they mentioned was my weight loss. This surprised me, because I hardly felt that my weight loss was significant enough to be mentioned anymore, as it was in the beginning when I was losing weight really quickly. Now I’m looking at myself in the mirror to catch a glimpse of what everyone else was noticing and I start to believe them and I start to stare at my image way too much to the point that shouldn’t be acceptable for a God-fearing girl like me. And it’s not only the staring at the mirror, but I am also spending more time and money on my clothes and my hair. Before when I was avoiding my image, I was also neglecting the upkeep of it. Now I feel that I’m overdoing it.

I hardly mentioned my religion in the past, because spiritually I need a lot of work, but I AM a believer and I DO have a healthy fear of hell and me possibly going to it after this life is over. However when I think of all the deadly sins I have committed and continue to commit without thought, I start to worry. I should be praying and doing all the things that I should be doing to tap into that spiritual realm and rise above the trappings of the world, but it’s difficult. Time is valuable and I REALLY need to reassess my priorities. And, at the moment, losing weight hardly feels like a priority anymore. I feel healthy and fit, and I look good. Back in the beginning, I used to beam with pride when someone mentioned my weight loss, now I’m glossing over that it’s even mentioned. There’s a bit of shame in my appearance now. It’s communicating to the world where my priorities are, and I don’t want the world to think that it’s in my image. I want to make a difference in the world and influencing my overweight friends, family, and acquaintances to lose weight kind of feels like a negative impact. I believe that as a society we care too much about image and it’s not good, and right now I’m feeling like a bad example.

The Busyness

2007-11-05T18:12:00.000-08:00

I’ve been busy, and I’m hoping that this will be the start of some non-busy/hectic time. Ly has just finished the bathroom and although he was anxious to start another project he agreed to hold off until spring for my sake. There’s only so much chaos I can handle at a time. Teresa’s big birthday celebration has pass so there’ll be more downtime until Christmas. No, I’m not stressing about Thanksgiving. As long as our house is too small, I do not foresee hosting such an ambitious occasion. And if I were to do so, I’m sure my mother-in-law will joyfully cook everything for us.

The week of October 21 to 27th I took up a challenge with Ms. Kelly to exercise five times. Sadly, I was one day short of completing that challenge, but I’m sure it would have been far less if I hadn’t taken it up. Here’s a rundown of that week.

Sunday: This day was the Trung’s rehearsal luncheon, and we still didn’t have a working bath. We went to my parents’ house to use their shower. I totally didn’t feel like it, but I used the opportunity exercise with Charlene Prickett: Crazy for Step DVD, knowing that opportunities to exercise in the coming week would have been slight.

Monday: This was when I had caught wind of the challenge. I called up Ly and asked him to come home early so that I can exercise with Charlene Prickett’s Low Impact, High Intensity DVD again.

Tuesday: I went to a Step and Sculpt group exercise class at my gym. I liked it, and I felt it was a perfect way to get someone to check my form as I lift weights without having to pay for a personal trainer. However, I did find the class too easy. I went to the class one other time the week before, and I discovered that I was the only one bouncing about as if I was made of energy. This time I used two risers so that I can actually get a workout. I’ve never used two risers before! I was scared that I would look overly ambitious and silly to everyone else, but I did perfectly fine. I’m feeling mighty proud of this accomplishment, remembering that I use to be like everyone else in the class, struggling with only one riser. I’m pretty sure that this wasn’t only accomplished by increased fitness. It’s a lot easier to move about with less weight.

Wednesday: This was a planned day of rest.

Thursday: I asked Ly to come home early, but we ended up arguing about who’s not putting what away. So he didn’t come early as expected. If he had the decency to tell me that he would blatantly come home late (way pass the time he would come home on a normal day) I would have tried to exercise with Teresa. Although I don’t appreciate her compulsion to grab my legs as I dance about the living room, it would have been better than not exercising. Jogging with her in the jogging stroller was out of the question because of my recent bout of plantar fasciitis. And I know that a lot of moms would tell me to exercise during her nap, but it never works out. Last week when I tried to exercise while she slept, she woke up early and wouldn’t stop whining and grabbing my leg until I lied down with her until she fully woke up. Mind you, I was in a middle of a workout so my heart rate was crazy elevated. Not a good feeling to have to lie down at that state.

Friday: I went on a field trip with Hunter’s class. Hunter’s school is actually 45 minutes away at my in-law’s city. We were back from the field trip at 1:45pm, but we were also planning to go to the school carnival at 6 pm. During this waiting time, we spent it at my in-law’s where I decided to exercise. I did 30 minutes of Shape Cardio Workout: Bikini Body All Year-Round DVD and a routine with a strength band. I felt very self-conscious and guilty that I was working out at my in-laws. I was practically speeding through the routine.

Saturday: This was Trung’s wedding day. Ly went early in the morning, since he was a groom’s man, but the kids and I weren’t expected until the western-style ceremony at 4pm. I was feeding the kids breakfast and trying to plan my day so that it would include exercise, when Ly called and announced a change of plans. They had wanted Hunter, whom was one of the ring bearers, to join the wedding early. That was also when I discovered that the rental place had given Hunter shoes that were two sizes too small. So my plans were shot, seeing as how I needed to drive all around the Bay Area, searching for shoes Hunter’s size and chasing after a wedding party that was on the move.

So there’s the week of the challenge. The week after the challenge, exercise had been abysmal. I’m not jumping on opportunities to exercise as I use to, using more and more excuses not to exercise. Not good. Just the other day, we returned from a luncheon at 3pm, but I procrastinated until 5pm to exercise when normally I would exercise as soon as I returned home. I’m tired of my workout DVDs. I’m also not planning my workout as well as I used to.

Since and because of Halloween, eating has also been abysmal. I need to stop sneaking chocolate whenever I can. It doesn’t help that I had been stressing and having difficulties finding my priorities. On the day of Teresa’s birthday party, I sat at the end of my bed with my head in my hands unable to think of what my next step should be. So, I decided to watch TV and waste time instead. Now that all of the deadline stuff has passed, I’m in this unfocused stage of wandering about, not knowing what to do next. There is still non-deadline, pressing stuff to deal with, but I’m having difficulties with figuring out a plan. My weight loss efforts seemed to also wander about with everything else, and I’m having a hard time trying to figure it’s place in my life. My buying a new scale has also fuelled the confusion. It weighs heavier than my old scale by quite a bit, so I don’t want to take it seriously.

The Joy of Meal Preparation

2007-10-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite cooking shows is Barefoot Contessa, mainly because it offers me a glimpse of a fantasy lifestyle where one lives in a beautiful mansion, visit quant stores to pick up ingredients, and entertain (mostly well-mannered adults) in a cosy but elegant setting. There’s something tremendously peaceful about Ina Garten as she brings attention to the lush sights and sounds of preparing a meal. She makes preparing for company seem peaceful and enjoyable, unlike the hustle and anxiety of what is real for me. I know with my kids and income, I can never live Ina Garten’s life, but I would like to strive for it more.

Living to Feel Good enjoys her life. Her name (which is the same name as her blog) says it all. She writes about stuff that she enjoys. Not high intensity, crazy stuff that my cousins and friends (before they had kids) think is “enjoying life”. The simple stuff. The stuff I would normally miss, because I’m too much in my head. Recently she wrote about her excitement over preparing the Thanksgiving meal. I can't imagine ever being excited over preparing a meal, and it reminded me of the life I wished I had.

I would like to entertain more. I mean voluntarily prepare a meal for guests. Normally, I’m cornered to do it, Ly inviting his co-workers to our house and friends and family visiting out of the blue. I would actually like to NOT make something on the fly, while the kids demand, the husband leaves things on the kitchen counter, and the house still needs cleaning. I would like to make something delicious that my guests would wonder why they would ever consider going to a restaurant again. I would like to live a cosy but elegant life. And like all my dreams, I should probably start small.

Prioritizing

2007-10-20T22:40:00.000-07:00

Our house has been chaotic and busy lately. Ly is working on the bathroom with the only bath. Additionally there are tools, construction materials, and debris in the hallway and by the entrance. The kids are leaving toys on the floor in every room. Ly isn’t bothering to put away his things, which seems to happen more frequently when the house is in disarray. Additionally, Ly’s good friend Trung’s wedding is right around the corner, and having Ly and Hunter a part of the wedding party has monopolize a lot of our time. On top of that, there is Teresa’s upcoming birthday party that needs my attention. With these things vying for our time, a lot of things that still needs to get done on a regular basis is not getting done. Right now, laundry is a pressing matter. We are at a point were we are sending Hunter to school with dirty pants. Ly was concerned regarding what others would think about us as parents. I felt we were in desperation mode, which means “others” can suck it.

Today I left Trung’s bachelor’s party early, since the kids were geared to destroy Trung’s sister’s museum-like home. Additionally, I didn’t want to be around when the strippers came. And, come on! Why the hell were the kids and I at a bachelor’s party in the first place?! I’ve really got to learn not to say yes to every invitation that comes my way.

As I was driving home, I was actually anxious and looking forward to starting the laundry, when I started to think about grocery shopping. I haven’t gone grocery shopping in TWO WEEKS! I had planned to do it this week, but I needed to use my kid-free days to work on the bathroom and complete my TB screen so that I can go to Hunter’s upcoming field trip. And I couldn’t get any errands done when Teresa was around, since the car left to me had no backseat to put the car seat in with Ly using it to store backer board. I could probably make it another week, but many essentials had already run out, and I longed for fresh ingredients. It was a tough decision, but I decided to go to the grocery store. We’re going to have to “wing” something, and I rather it be our clothing than our food.

Body Fat Percentage

2007-10-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

I had my body fat checked yesterday, and something seemed strange.

Here is all the body fat percentage I have measured with the weight I had weighed at the moment.

5-22-07 35%, 132 lbs
7-16-07 32% (-3%), 126 lbs (-6lbs)
9-3-07 30% (-2%), 120.2 lbs (-6.2lbs)
10-18-07 28% (-2%), 120.9 lbs (-0.7lbs)

I had assumed going in that there wouldn’t be a change, since I had only lost 0.7 lbs from last time. So I was surprised when the trainer said that I lost 2%. That’s exactly the same amount I lost when I had lost 6.2 lbs. This seemed odd to me. How can I be gaining the amount muscle mass the numbers are saying I’m gaining at this time when my workout has been cut back?

I’m really bad with math, but maybe it has something to do with the fact that I’m at a lighter weight. Maybe body fat percentages decreases at a faster rate the lighter you are?

Another reason could be because of the measurers. The trainer said that each trainer has a different way of measuring, causing some inaccuracies. This might be the case. Each measurement had been with a different trainer. I’ll see if I can get the same trainer next time.

The trainer this time asked what my goal was. Each time a trainer asked me this, I felt uncomfortable. The truth of the matter was, I’m not really invested in my body fat percentage goal. There are too many different schools regarding how to interpret the results. I’m relying more on my BMI to set my goals, since the interpretation of those are more clear-cut. If I don’t reach my body fat percentage goal by the time I reach my weight goal, I wouldn’t mind. Additionally having both of these goals have been too confusing for me, so I decided to drop the former. I’ll still have my body fat percentage measured, but only for the purpose of gauging progress.

Edit/Update:
I was reading this post and I realized that I had made a mistake. I had actually gained (not lost) 0.7 lbs. This actually makes the 2% loss even more of an oddity.

Marshmallow - You made a really good point. I think I will need to re-think my goals.

Self-Medicating on Chocolate

2007-10-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

I gained 0.9 lbs this week. Although I know I can shrug it off as “fluctuation”, I don’t think it is. I’ve been trying to weigh daily again after I discovered Google 15, which creates a trend line. It’s difficult making it a habit and I’m thinking of abandoning it again, but from what little I’ve gathered, the trend is definitely going up. Another thing that I know is that I’m definitely eating too much chocolate. I had hoped that abstaining for two weeks would help me get a handle on it, since it helped when I did it for Lent, but I was wrong. My difficulty could be because of the season. Lent leads to warmer weather. After my recent break from chocolate there was just more cold weather. I’m thinking that the colder weather could be making me depressed, and I may be using chocolate as an anti-depressant. My therapist back at school had suggested I was doing this, and she may have a point. She had suggested that I take a “real” anti-depressant. I thought she was making mountains out of molehills. I know I’m still green in the mental health field, but I’m almost certain that my “depression” is hardly enough for medication. My life is not disrupted enough by it, and since I’m not morbidly obese nor diabetic, tempering my chocolate addiction doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to get tied up in the system and all it’s troubles. So medication is out of the question, but I still need to figure out how to deal with it without falling off the wagon.

Adjusting to my New Exercise Regime

2007-10-09T04:54:00.000-07:00

I’ve gained weight, which wasn’t surprising. None the less, it was disappointing. I was right at my target weight and it slipped away. No matter. I’m still within healthy BMI status, and I’m confident that I’ll get out of this recent binging bend. Another thing that also contributed to my recent gain was that I’ve been slacking with exercise. A part of it is because I had fallen out of it from my exercise hiatus due to illness. Then right after I recovered I had a bout of Achilles tendonitis, so I had to rearrange my routine to accommodate for that. The other part is because I’ve changed my exercise regime in general, and with every change there’s always that awkward adjustment period.

The first change actually occurred over a month ago. I decided to change aerobic exercise from 5 days to 3-5 days a week. Before, it HAD to be 5 days a week with NO excuses (except sickness or injury that is). I had decided this exercise regime in the beginning of my weight loss efforts, when losing weight was the ABSOLUTE priority. Now that I reached a healthy BMI, it doesn’t feel like such a priority anymore. The books have said that 3-5 days was what was necessary, so I decided to ABSOLUTELY do aerobic exercise 3 days a week with an optional two more days if time allowed. It felt uncomfortable doing this. I was afraid that allowing myself to exercise so little would cause me to fall out of it, but I don’t think it was the case.

The second change was my letting go of the weight machines. Much to my surprise, I recently discovered that they were NOT safer than free weights and bodyweight exercises. Go figure.

Letting go of these machines, however, has been a challenge. I found myself lost in the gym, when before I felt like an expert. I had mused to myself when personal trainers offered their services. I mean, come on, the instructions were right on the machines. Now, I’m not so sure. I went into the free weight room this weekend for the first time, and there were no instructions. Just a bunch of benches in different shapes, dumbbells, and barbells. I was stupid enough to go in there with no plan. I thought that I can make my own routine with the wealth of knowledge I had accumulated through different group exercise and DVD instructors. No such luck. For one, the lowest weight was 8 lbs. The most I’ve ever used and that all the instructors always recommended was 5-lb weights. There were barbells, but I’ve only ever tried them once before with guidance. I was concerned with hurting myself. I was also concerned with looking like a total idiot. Everyone else seemed to know what they were doing, and I felt strangely watched. However, it could have also been because I was one of three girls in what I deem as No Woman’s Land. No matter I was determined to utilize what I believed was my right, so I ignored my feelings of intimidation and trudged on. I did two exercises in No Woman’s Land. The rest, I scurried back to Weight Machine Land. Not because of intimation, mind you, but because of plainly not knowing what to do. That evening I used Women's Strength Training Anatomy and exrx.net and I created a routine that I plan to use next time.

The last change I’ve made have been the hardest to implement simply because I'm having difficulty remembering to do it. I’ve decided to stretch my calves and hamstrings every day. Because my calves are extra tight, I’m prone to plantar fasciitis and Achilles tendonitis. My recent bout of Achilles tendonitis had puzzled me because it came on when I wasn’t doing any high impact exercises at all. I realized later that I only stretch after a workout and being on exercise hiatus has also kept me from my stretching routine. This was when I decided to stretch my calves every day. I decided to also stretch my hamstrings while I’m at it. Even though they haven’t given me any problems, they are also extra tight and I’ve heard that extra tight hamstrings can result in back injures. The only problem now is figuring out a good time to do them.

Mad Dash

2007-10-01T15:28:00.000-07:00

Today I weighed in at 116 lbs. That’s three pounds lost and a whole inch off from last week. Talk about a mad dash to the finish line, although what I’ve been doing to achieve this incredible loss hardly seem anything like a “mad dash” or any sort of movement at all. I’ve had strep throat. Eating had been a struggle, since everything tasted and felt like rusted nails. It’s getting better, but this is where I should be careful. Not only in overdoing with the food, but in getting back into exercise. I will most likely gain some pounds back, but I don’t want to backtrack too much. On the flip side, certain family members are definitely voicing their concern regarding my weight loss. I understand, but I’m also starting to get annoyed.

On other news, while I was sick I was also out of Internet Land and unbeknownst to me, Crabby had posted my guest post. I can’t believe all of the positive comments I received! I just wished I was cognisant at the moment, I could have responded in kind. It was a how-to regarding procrastination. Much different than anything I’ve ever posted before, but I thought it came out okay.

See Food 2

2007-09-24T10:09:00.000-07:00

Sarah has asked again to see what I eat. It was easier to remember the camera this time, since I had practice last time. I would of posted this yesterday, but the Internet was on the fritz. This time, I decided to include pictures of my snacks in the hopes that it would show a more accurate representation of what I truly ate on a regular basis, but I still think this is a poor representation. I realized now that the idea of showing the blogging weight loss community what I eat has inadvertently made me make stellar food choices.

Wednesday

Breakfast: chicken sausage, oatmeal with strawberries, and strawberries.

There was a gloomy overcast this morning, and it was a bit chilly. This is the first time in a long time that I felt like eating oatmeal for breakfast. Interestingly, eating a warm breakfast actually lifted my spirits.

Lunch: charbroiled beef patty and gravy TV dinner
I went to a job fair after this meal. This was the first time I went out for an interview-type of ordeal. I was so nervous that I had to force myself to gulp down this unappetizing meal.

Snack: Laughing Cow Cheese on whole wheat toast and grapes
After the job fair, I discovered that I had nothing to be nervous about. I felt hungry on the drive home and ate this on arrival, although I really felt like eating Fiber One Oats and Chocolate Chewy Bar. Alas, I had sent them with Ly to bring to work earlier this day so there were none to eat. You may be wondering why I had taken this particular item out of the house, since it’s healthy with very little chocolate. At the state that I’m in, these types of food are what I consider to be “gateway chocolate”. I eat it and it wets my appetite for more, causing me to embark on a quest for the “real” not-so-good-for-you stuff.

Dinner: breaded pork chop with country-style gravy, buttered mix vegetables, and white rice.
Ly has an issue with me cutting the bread crust off for the kiddies. He believes it’s a waste, but when I was little I didn’t eat bread with crust either and it seemed illogical to make the kids eat it also. So one day, to quell Ly’s sense of logicalness, I told him that the crust could be used for cooking. The first result of this compromise was this. Breaded pork chop. The problem with this dish however was that it was too bland for Ly since the breadcrumbs were whole wheat. Next time I will try to add more seasoning and see if that would work out better.

Thursday

Breakfast: poached egg and oatmeal with strawberries
I poached this egg using a microwave poacher. We were without one for a while, since I had accidentally overly nuked and melted the previous one into a pile of plastic and egg. Since it’s been a while, we had forgotten the perfect time and temperature where the egg comes out perfectly cooked on the outside with slightly undercooked yoke. Imagine my delight when I nailed this egg perfectly. 55 seconds at half power. Mmmm…

Lunch: chicken bake
This chicken bake is from the food court at Costco where the foods were made for giants. Since I’m not even of average height, I decided that I would only be able to eat half of the chicken bake without getting overly full. I have to decide this ahead of time, so that I can take a picture of what I would eventually eat. Unfortunately, it’s so hard to predict the future. I ate a little bit more of the chicken bake (picture not included). I also ate a few samples as we perused the isles. An Italian meatball and a biscotti (pictures not included). The biscotti was so yum. Not yummy enough to buy however. I did have a strong urge to buy chocolate, but I didn’t.

Dinner: chicken bake, buttered mixed vegetables, strawberries, and grapes
I ate dinner earlier than normal, because we needed to leave the house at 6pm to make it to Hunter’s Back to School Night. I wasn’t so hungry, so I ate a small dinner of leftovers.

Snack: All-Bran Crackers with Laughing Cow Cheese.
Have you tried this? All-Bran Crackers are so yum! For the crackers pictured here you get 5 grams of fiber for only 130 calories! You’ld be hard pressed to find food that tastes this good with all that fiber.

Friday

Breakfast: oatmeal with strawberries, poached egg, and grapes
Since the eggs came out so good the other day, I decided to repeat it.

Lunch: rotisserie chicken, brown rice, buttered mixed vegetables.
The rotisserie chicken is from the grocery store. The kids love it as you can see. Here you have Teresa’s hand going for the chicken. As you can also see, I have finally gotten off of my lazy ass and made some brown rice. I've been intending to make small batches of brown rice for myself to mix with white. Since this would only be for me, I couldn't get myself to do it. Here the chicken was so flavorful, I didn't need to mix the brown with white.

For dessert, I made Teresa an ice cream cone. She got bored with it, so I ate what was left.

Snack: low-fat yogurt and butter biscuits.
Teresa was asking for cake, but we had none left. I figure butter biscuits were good enough and decided to have some for myself.

Dinner: steak, green beans, and mushrooms over rice noodles and strawberries with sugar.
I realized later this evening that this meal was too small, but by the time I realized this it was already bedtime and I didn’t want to have a bout of acid reflux. Ah! The trouble with trying to predict the future!

Thank You, Friends

2007-09-21T21:28:00.000-07:00

I don’t think I thank you all enough for your comments, encouragement, and knowledge. It is because of you I have gotten as far as I have. Although, I know that we’ve never met face to face, I consider you all my friends. Because of you I haven’t felt lonely since the birth of Teresa, and I have lost the urge to make new friends (which is probably not so good).

Earlier this week, I went jogging with Teresa in the jogging stroller around central park. As I stretched, I let Teresa play in the sand and another lady with a baby and stroller started talking to me and we got into a whole conversation. It was one of those talks were I felt that we connected at the get go. We said our good-byes and I then realized that she was hinting at maybe developing a friendship. Her baby was quite young and considering the time of day it was, she was probably a stay-at-home mom. I can relate to the loneliness that happens when there’s no work or school to go to, because I’ve been there. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a total recluse. There’s the occasional get-together and so forth, and they’re a lot of fun and all, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to except for Ly (which is not enough for me). I remember going to the park frequently with newborn (or kids) in tow; talking to every person I meet, hoping for a connection. Anything. And here was my connection with this lady in the park, and I didn’t care that I let the opportunity past. If it was the past me, I would have been drooling over this poor lady that she would have grabbed her baby and ran. I should probably make some real life friends eventually, but for now, I’m content. With everything.

I’m finally coming to grips with my weight loss and starting to feel confident that I will keep it off. I’m also having more sex with Ly without doubting his love or feeling uncomfortable. Sure, he wants to have sex a lot more now that I’m thinner, but I resolved that I should just enjoy it while I can. And believe me, sex works wonders on the relationship.

About my recent spiraling into chocolate hell. After I wrote my previous post, I looked at it before I hit published and I thought about the possible comments I would get when the solution hit me right there. Get the chocolate out of the house. Well, duh. My husband suggested it earlier, but he phrased it as him eating it all, throwing it away, or giving it away. Every single option was very unappealing. I mean these were MY chocolate, given to ME. (As you can tell, I’m extremely selfish when it comes to chocolate.) But then I thought of another solution. Have Ly bring my chocolates to his work and bring back after 2 weeks. When I told him what he would be doing he said, “to give out?” I said, “No! No! (waving hands vigorously) To GIVE BACK!” He laughed and agreed to it. Day three without them, and I’m doing extremely well calorie-wise.

Some of you may be wondering “What happened with intuitive eating?” Believe me, I’m still trying to practice it. This happened the last time I tried intuitive eating. I fooled myself into believing that I want to eat this stuff and that I’m not full, which can’t be true. How can my body be telling me that, when I feel so terrible afterwards? Something was lost in the connection and I couldn’t get my mind into what it was suppose to be into, which is why I’m glad I decided to continue recording food in-take regardless.

Hell is a Kitchen Full of Chocolate

2007-09-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

I’ve eaten chocolate consistently for almost a week, and not just a serving a day, I mean 3-5 servings a day! I wonder if it’s possible to live off of one food. Maybe it is, but it sure feels nasty. My tongue has a terrible brown film over it and my lips are dry from lack of nutrients. I cycle between being excitable, irritable, and depleted of energy. Yet I keep on doing it. Other than that, my eating has been stellar. Vegetables, fruit, lean meats. Don’t know why I’m on this chocolate bend. I keep hoping that I’ll get sick of the stuff and stop. But it doesn’t seem likely. Once when I was in undergrad, I ate a whole box of chocolate. I became so sick that I was throwing up. Yet as soon as I was better, I started eating chocolate again. I should be enjoying myself. I mean, come on. Chocolate. Is there anything more enjoyable than chocolate? Yet I feel like I'm in hell.

Arguing Over Underwear

2007-09-15T20:18:00.000-07:00

I haven’t started eating right yet. I'm saturated with chocolate cake and didn’t even feel like eating the stuff, but I ate 3 servings anyways, afraid that it would go bad and be a waste. What is wrong with me?

Ly and I had a “discussion” about it that flirted towards argument, but I kept it together. I heard him point out my character flaws and fought off defensiveness like I was hitting tennis balls against an opponent out to get me. Then we entered the mall and passed by the lingerie shop where I had bought sexy lingerie the other day (which I have never done in my life). I’m not sure if I should be buying any lingerie at all, seeing as how I will only gain the weight back and be unable to wear it. Never the less, Ly was so happy that I had done it that I guessed he wanted to prolong the experience and look around. He pointed out a garment he liked and I was ready to exchange the one I bought for that one, but he wanted both. I couldn’t understand the logic. The whole reason, I bought lingerie was because I wanted to have sex without becoming totally naked and hide my obvious imperfections. One very expensive garment that only one person will see would do quiet fine. But the reason he thinks I bought it was to add variety in the bedroom. Our personalities clashed yet again, and we got ourselves into an argument. Normally, I wouldn't be so bothered, but after our recent “discussion” I just fell into despair, wondering if Ly regretted ever marrying me.

Fat and Lazy

2007-09-14T23:26:00.000-07:00

I had a bit of mindless eating yesterday, and today it was out of control. I ate tons and tons of kid cereal, going over 2,000 calories for today. I talked to Ly about it in the hopes that he would help me feel better, but instead he decided to bring up the fact that I am also letting the house slide, making me feel worst. He also gave me the “just buckle up and do it” speech, as if I don’t give myself that same speech everyday. Maybe, I’m tired of buckling up. Maybe I'm so overwhelmed that I can't get myself to do what I'm suppose to be doing.

It was probably two weeks ago when Ly exclaimed how happy he was with my weight loss, because when I was getting fat, I was also "lazy". Fat and lazy. Can I be called anything worst? I wasn’t surprised about this, because he had given hints that he felt this way. I just wished I didn’t hear him say it, because I fear that I am returning to my former self. Actually, I wished he didn’t think it either. But what can I do? He has the right to his judgment, and I can’t say I disagree with him either, just as I can’t disagree when he calls me selfish. However being lazy is far worst. Sure it still stings when he exclaims, “I can’t believe how selfish you are!” (and this seems to happen out of the blue) but I have come to own that part of me and have no intentions of changing. To be lazy, however... I don’t want to be lazy.

If they really knew what I ate...

2007-09-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

This is a little self-awareness activity from “Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating” that is suppose to help prevent the sneaking of food, which keeps you from fully enjoying indulges, causing you to overeat. What I did was I completed this sentence “If _____ really knew what I ate_____________.” Then I completed this sentence: “I sneak food, so that ___________.” This is what I came up with.

“If my kids really knew what I ate, they would copy me and develop poor eating habits.”
This is my greatest fear in terms of my poor eating habits. Therefore… "I sneak food, so that my children will develop good eating habits.” It is also the number one reason that I sneak food. But whom am I fooling? I suck at sneaking food even with a two-year-old. It’s better that they see their mom enjoying an occasional sweet rather than act like eating sweets is criminal behavior. That way they know that it’s okay for them also. Additionally it may be all right if they see their mom binge every once in a while. It’s bound to happen, albeit less frequently than in the past. Maybe it’s okay if they know that Mommy is human and is working on making herself better.

“If Ly really knew what I ate, he would lecture me.”
Oh, how annoying it is when he lectures! I feel as if I’m one of his kids and not an equal person. It pisses me off and makes me want to eat more out of defiance. Therefore… "I sneak food to avoid being lectured.”

“If my sisters really knew what I ate, they would point out my bad habits to everyone.”
This annoys me, because it feels as if THEY were lecturing me also, since this is one of my parents’ parenting techniques to rectify undesirable behaviors. Additionally, I am a very private person and feel very uncomfortable with that type of attention. So I would eat more to not only act in defiance but to ease my feelings of discomfort. Therefore... "I sneak food to avoid social shame."

“If Peggy really knew what I ate, she would think she was better than me.”
I have a serious inferiority complex when it comes to Peggy, my ex-roommate. She hides behind a façade of Japanese-style humbleness and tolerance, but she truly is arrogant, judgmental, and self-righteous. She eats in a very feminine manner, eating with control restraint. Compared to her, I’m a social slob. Therefore… “I sneak food, so that Peggy wouldn’t think she was better than me.”

“If my friends and Ly knew what I ate, they would think I was selfish and a bad person.”
Ly and most of my friends are Chinese or Vietnamese, and I’m afraid that overeating food that is suppose to be shared is seen as selfish to them, since they go out of their way to be considerate of others having a fair share or not eating too much. Additionally, Ly has blatantly called me “selfish” on a number of occasions when I eat all or too much of the food that was supposed to be for the kids. Therefore… “I sneak food so that others think I was selfless and good.”

Now that I think about it, this is a silly reason to sneak food. They’re going to find out anyways, and when they do, I will look quite silly. Might as well eat in full view of them all without any excuses. And being selfish is not that bad of a thing. It helps me look out and fight for myself when necessary. Isn’t that a good thing? Additionally, Ly already knows that I'm selfish; and eventhough he doesn't like it, he doesn't think I'm a "bad person".

"Do you like see food?"

2007-09-08T20:47:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what my meals looked like? Well Sarah from Living to Feel Good does, so I delivered!

9-4-07
Breakfast: Cheerios and Fiber One Honey Clusters cereal with skim milk, mango, and hardboiled egg.

Lunch: chicken chow mein, mix vegetables, and shrimp won ton soup.

Left over Chinese food from a party.

Dinner: shrimp salsa with tortilla chip crums and mango.

This evening we had a guest over and I also needed to help Hunter with his homework. I started the rice late for dinner and couldn't wait for it to finish, so I decided to eat this pathetic snack/meal in place of what everyone else ate. Needless to say, I slept hungry.

9-6-07
Lunch: turkey lasagna and squash soup

The squash soup was from my mother-in-law, but I made the lasagna with the help of Hamburger Helper. I also added frozen spinach and fresh broccoli.

9-7-07
Breakfast: Corn Bran Cereal with skim milk, hard boiled egg, and mango

Lunch: turkey lasagna and spinach salad with raspberry vinaigrette

Dinner: chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat English muffin and salad with raspberry vinaigrette

9-8-07
Breakfast: blueberry pancake with syrup and hard-boiled egg

As you can see I eat a lot of hard-boiled eggs. The kids love it, and we boil a batch for them at the time so that they're always around.

Dinner: cheeseburger macaroni and corn on the cob.

It was actually kind of tough getting myself to take pictures of my food. I’ve done it before back when I first purchased my camera and wanted to use it ALL THE TIME. It was a useful tool to remind me of what I ate. However since I’m no longer honeymooning with my camera, it was easier for me to forget to use it this time around. But I delivered. Nine meals. Ideally they should have been three days worth, but this is close enough. I’m especially missing meals where I went out to eat or ate at a picnic. I wonder if it was coincidence or subconsciously intentional.

Never the less, I do not believe that this is an accurate representation of what I ate, since it’s missing pictures of what I eat during get-togethers, which tend to be overly indulgent. Additionally, I did not show what I ate as snacks, which are more than likely to be considered not too good for me than my meals.

Acceptable Overweight

2007-09-05T08:10:00.000-07:00

It could be a fluke. Most likely it is. After being 123 for a little over a month, my weight dipped down to 120! I’ve been 123 for so long, I had already accepted that weight as MY weight and was happy if I never lost another pound. To see a different number was quite exciting. It felt like I was going somewhere, accomplishing something.

I know that next week it will probably be 121 or even 122, but for now, it looks like I only have 5lbs until I reach my goal weight and that’s such a ridiculously low number. It’ll probably take me 4 months to lose, but it’s such a little number it matters very little I lose it any time soon.

I also had my body fat percentage measured, and I’m glad to say that according to the American Council on Exercise, I have left the “unhealthy” category and barely entered the category of “acceptable”. I’m happy with "acceptable". However, according to the American Dietetics Association, I’m still “overweight”. Ideally, I would like to lose 5% more, but for now I’m quite happy with my “acceptable overweight” status.

A Night of Decadence

2007-09-01T13:10:00.001-07:00

My sister-in-law Ruth is a general manager at a restaurant, and as family we can eat there for free. A family friend is in town, so they decided to take her to Ruth’s restaurant for a night of decadence. We ordered A LOT for the sheer sake of ordering a lot. I became full after the appetizers, and I did something that I’ve never done before. I asked the waitress to put my food in a to-go box, before it came out. It felt odd doing this and I couldn’t help noticing half the table noticing me. I hate being scrutinized. I don’t like people noticing me doing something out of character, especially in an effort to improve myself, because there might be a day when I fall back to the way I was and they will think, “I knew it”.

So when it came time for dessert, I participated even though I didn’t feel like eating dessert. I also did this just in case I wanted to eat dessert when it did come out. In the end I had too much sugar and felt sick. I also did the standard berating-myself-for-again-falling-under-social-pressure after dinner routine.

The Stretching Debate

2007-08-28T21:51:00.000-07:00

Ly and I have had an on-going argument regarding stretching. He doesn’t like it and believes it’s a waste of time. A couple of years ago, he caught wind of a study mentioned on the radio, confirming his beliefs. I, on the other hand, maintained my beliefs that stretching helps prevent injury, since experts continued to support stretching even after two years that this (supposed )study was released, having me conclude that it was a dud. Therefore, seeing Ly blatantly refuse to stretch made me feel uncomfortable and I had difficulty overcoming the fear that he will someday injure himself beyond repair because of his neglect. Paranoia? I suppose, but that’s the way I was raised, so I would bring up the topic every now and then.

One night, as we were driving home from a late dinner party, Ly and I had a heated debate regarding whether stretching was a waste of time. It was frustrating because neither side had any hard evidence so the discussion was going nowhere. Finally, Ly proposed that we research it on the Internet. I totally did not want to do it. I was tired and I had better things to do, but seeing Ly struggle with finding academic literature on the Internet was irritating. So I showed him Google Scholar and I looked through the academic search engines that I still had student access to.

We discovered that we were BOTH stupid. It turns out that stretching only significantly prevents injury when the individual is unusually inflexible (like myself), so I was somewhat wrong. It also turns out that the study that Ly heard about on the radio only examined stretching BEFORE the workout, so Ly was also somewhat wrong. In the end, I’m glad that we researched it, because it ended the debate and I no longer have the urge to nag Ly about stretching.

Here was what we discovered about stretching:

> Stretch only after warming up or after a workout.

> Stretching can improve muscle force, jump height, running speed, and range of motion.

> Stretching can decrease muscle soreness.

> Stretching can help prevent injury for “inflexible” people, but if you are of average flexibility there is limited benefits in terms of injury prevention. If you are extra-flexible, strengthening the muscle around the joint, rather than stretching, can prevent injury.

A Week of Intuitive Eating

2007-08-25T09:23:00.001-07:00

I’ve been reading “Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating” by Geneen Roth, which I heard was an older edition of “Breaking Free From Emotional Eating”. Actually, I started a while ago but dropped it because of several reasons:

1) I had started reading it during my despair period when lost faith in myself, but I had gotten over it and no longer needed outside wisdom.

2) I had come across activities that the writer wanted me to complete. Because I tend to be exacting, I had wanted to do each activity before going on to the rest of the book. But I found the activities to be too demanding and overwhelming.

3) The new Harry Potter book came out, and I wanted to devote my reading time to that instead.

I continued reading “Breaking Free…” on Monday. Last week there were tons of family in town, therefore there were tons of get-togethers. I noticed that meal times together were scheduled later than regular times. Lunch at 2pm. Dinner at 8pm. This is probably because they were all waking up late from going out and staying up late every evening. As a highly regimented individual, this put me off, but I decided that I wanted to be more flexible and accommodating. Come Monday, after our last late-night get-together, I found myself eating breakfast at 10:30am! I had thrown myself off, but I couldn’t wait until an “appropriate” time. I told Ly of my dilemma and he said, “Why don’t you eat when you’re hungry?” What a concept, huh? And I started to think about Intuitive Eating and how Ly was a natural at it and how I wanted to live my life more like him and everyone else. So flexible and unrestricting. That was when I decided to continue reading “Breaking Free…”

That and because I had no idea how hunger felt like at its beginning stages and I was hoping that the book would describe it to me. Nope. She’s into the whole discover-things-for-yourself method. Which is not surprising coming from a be-in-touch-with-yourself technique like IE. She did, however, described methods of being more in tune with your hunger, which I tried to follow.

This time as I read the book, I decided to not follow it exactly. Instead I wrote down all the activities that I would someday like to do. Other than that, I was doing what I felt comfortable doing at the moment. I’m sure Geneen would have wanted it this way.

The most challenging concept was to remove distraction when eating. I found it easy to not watch TV or read when the family was in the house, because they were naturally distracting with their demands during meal times. And when they weren’t being distracting, it felt like a welcomed relief to not think of anything but my food. It was the day when the kids were at my in-laws did I found eating without distracting myself a challenge. It was lonely, and I couldn’t handle it. How pathetic, huh? There are others out there whom live alone, and I couldn’t handle one day of a quite house while I ate. So I sat myself down in front of the TV and watched until the loneliness went away. It was then that I was able to eat the rest of the meal in silence. Maybe someday, I will be more comfortable feeling the loneliness.

Last night, we had dinner at my in-laws’ and I discovered that practicing IE has helped me reach some kind of Zen-state when I ate. Things that made me react in the past didn’t this time. For one, I didn’t react to Linh noticing my eating habits. Normally, I would try to eat like everyone else when this occurs, but then I thought that she probably doesn’t think anything of it, because she has often embarked on her own eating habits. This was what was strange. I was able to think this all at the moment when usually I needed to reflect after the fact. It was as if time froze.

However, Ly’s incessantly offering me food did eventually bother me. There’s only so much Zen I can maintain. But I think I still did well, and I was more understanding of Ly’s behavior when in the past I would get angry with him. I was sitting and doing nothing for long periods of time, because the conversations at hand did not include me. It felt uncomfortable, and I would have been eating to fill it up but I was practicing IE. Ly probably felt uncomfortable at my discomfort, which was probably why he kept bothering me with food. This I was able to see, and I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t tapped into a different plane of eating.

I'm a Wuss

2007-08-23T07:47:00.000-07:00

Thank you everyone for you comments on my last post. Unfortunately, because of my reaction to that negative comment mentioned, I have decided to disable anonymous comments. It really is unfortunate, since I have received helpful comments from anonymous in the past. Also, I get very few comments as is, and now I have probably decreased my chances by half.

I know what you may be thinking, because Ly has said it. “Wuss!” But I don’t think I’m being “overprotective” of myself as Ly says. I think I’m just avoiding people whom are intentionally trying to hurt feelings. We have a friend whom has her husband talk to people whom have unintentionally hurt HER feelings then would go as far as avoid people who don’t like her but mostly ignore her. Now THAT’S overprotective. Me? I’m just trying to force the evil ones to ignore me, so that I know that most of the comments are made for good, whether I can initially handle them or not. Believe me. Once I start working again, I’ll be dealing with a lot of comments intended to hurt. But in real life, they're easier to weed out and quickly dismiss, because there are often circumstances that lead up to them. Here on my little blog, there isn’t.

Hurtful Comments

2007-08-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

Why does the most unintelligent stuff come from Anonymous? On my badminton post, I received a very hurtful and upsetting comment. I then proceeded to eat two sticky buns in front of the TV, pushing my daily calories to 2700. This made me feel angry with myself, because I had let some comment get the best of me. When I told Ly he said, “You’re blaming this guy for eating the sticky buns.”

Next time I get an upsetting comment, remind me not to go to Ly, because I will just get more upset and into an unproductive depression.

This morning, after sleep helped me get over my funk, I am able to digest the comments made, Anonymous’ and Ly’s. Yes, folks, I listen to all your comments and I always try to learn from them no matter how unsettling. Because I believe that I can always learn.

First, I try to identify why the comments are unsettling. Well for Anonymous, s/he obviously just didn’t like me and I was probably bummed about this. I’m over it now.

Second, I look into what message the commenter was trying to convey, which was that I should stop playing team sports, since my inadequate skills ruin everyone else’s fun. I do have a fear of this, but often I get over these feelings, so that I can have fun (because I’m selfish like that ;P). I firmly believe that I have the right to be on the court as everyone else. It’s true that I don’t have as much fun when the person/people I play against are far worst or better than me, but Anonymous specifically told me to stop playing “team sports”. I can only assume that this person doesn’t like having and gets annoyed by an inadequate partner, which I feel is very un-team-player-like. So, ironically, I would have to say that Anonymous has less business on a team than I do. Participating in most team sports, my skill level has actually been somewhere in the middle. However, I get annoyed when the inadequacy of one team member annoys another, because it always means we will lose. The negativity creates a pessimistic mood among the team. Not only will the targeted player play worst but also all the other players follow suit. In my experience an inclusive team that forgives is more likely to pull away from losing.

There will always be a worst player, and I am quite proud of myself for being that one at badminton. I’ve seen many worst players fall away from sport because of the arrogance they are subjected to, which I always felt was a shame. Sports are fun, and these people are forever kept out of the fun. If the worst player continues to fall out of it, then in the end there will only be one and no way of playing. Fortunately there are some who ignores the arrogance and stick to it.

My conclusion? I have decided to dismiss Anonymous’ comment as just plain stupidity. Beyond the hurtfulness the brain is dead.

I have to be especially careful with feedback from unknown sources, because I have no idea what their background is. At the end of this person’s comment, s/he wondered why Ly keeps hanging out with me. This statement was obviously made specifically to hurt, and in my experience, these types of comments are often plagued by nonsense. I just wished I were able to dismiss it before I let it get me down.

As for Ly’s comment, I was unsettled because he was right. I was blaming the blog comment for me eating the buns, but I had wanted it to be so at the moment. Because if I didn't I would had blamed myself totally, and who knows what I would have done in the state I was in. Now that the feeling has subsided, I now can take full credit for my actions without serious emotional unstableness.

As you may know, I’m trying to work on this blame thing and I have no idea how to go about it. What do you do when you get these strong emotions? Don’t you want to identify how these emotions came to be? I know I do. Since I’m an analytical person, I like to do it right away. Unfortunately, conclusions made in the heat of the moment causes me to do stupid things. Although I feel that my analytical trait is useful in the long run, I should probably stabilized my emotions first.

Opportunist

2007-08-15T22:19:00.000-07:00

My out-of-town cousins are in town, and a bunch of us decided to have a picnic on the beach. Since there were others to watch the kids, I decided to go jogging. It’s always weird to do that sort of thing. While everyone else sees a get-together as an opportunity to relax and chat, I see it as an opportunity to exercise. It’s how I’ve been able to exercise as much as I do with kids and responsibilities and all.

Despite feeling uncomfortable, I’m glad I did it. It was a nice jog. There was plenty of blue peaking behind the clouds. All around me were water, hills, and city landmarks. I brought the GPS with me and played music, using its tiny speakers. As I returned to the picnic, the group cheered me on as if I was completing a marathon. With background music and all.

Insatiable

2007-08-12T15:18:00.000-07:00

If there were one word I would use to describe the month of August (so far) it would be “insatiable”. Not only eating-wise, but bedroom-action-wise also. This is strange for me since most of the time I’m a cold fish and last month was so cold I feared it would last until I got myself a therapist. Fortunately for Ly, it was not so.

I am a serious procrastinator and my life feels like there’s a constant drill sergeant to get me out of my funk. Growing up, my parents took on this role. Now that I’m married, Ly does. But there are still ways to procrastinate without retribution. You see. The funny thing about sex is that it is the one form of procrastination that Ly never puts over my head. Heck. For him there’s nothing more important than doing it.

Growing up, it was eating that I was allowed to do to procrastinate. I was a skinny child and my parents were concerned that I had very little appetite. So when I ate without being told (like say, to get out of doing homework or practicing the piano), they did a mini happy dance. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior also makes me fat. So I’m working at undoing it.

Another thing I noticed was that I tend to get in the sexual mood when I want to procrastinate but am not yet overwhelmed. If I do reach the point of overwhelm-ness, then eating is the only thing I like do. This is usually the time when family life starts to suck, so I should tackle my stress before it gets this far. Maybe I should take up meditation.

Why Do People Get Fat?

2007-08-06T17:54:00.000-07:00

My friends and relatives believe I became fat because I have a tendency to eat too much snacks and sweets. I had told my sister Jen that Ly didn’t like it when I bought chocolate because they tend to disappear too quickly. Jen nodded her head enthusiastically, recalling how sweets never lasted that long in our house when we were growing up. She blamed the fact that our parents rarely kept sweets and snacks in the house, so that we tend to crave it then binged on them when they’re around. Then she pointed out a neighborhood family that constantly stock piled sweets and snacks and how the children in that family didn’t binged or craved sweets. She pointed out these houses as if the parents had done the right thing, but I’m not so sure. 3 out of 5 of the family members that she mentioned were and still are obese. In my family it would have been the same ratio if I hadn’t lost the weight. So who’s to say which parents did the right thing? Personally, I feel our parents were more in the right. I did not feel deprived of snacks and sweets, because if they were present, we had free reign. And overeating during parties was encouraged. They kept snacks and sweets out of the house not because they were concerned about us getting fat or cavities. It was because they never cared about sweets and snacks for themselves. They didn’t have a sweet tooth, and the only time I’ve ever seen them snack was when my mom would occasionally eat cheese or fruit in the late afternoon at the breakfast table.

That brings me to another question. Why is my mom obese? She had been thin until my paternal grandmother moved in during the mid-80’s. My grandmother moving in was particularly stressful for my mom because she was such a control freak and my grandma fancied herself as being equal in household decision making. If I were my mom, I would have gained weight for sure. But watching her now, I can’t understand why she is still obese. Granted she eats Filipino food, which tends to be high in fat, but there’s plenty of chicken and seafood to balance out the deep fried and pork fat. And in addition, my mom naturally eats in moderation. So why? Am I missing something? It’s a mystery and I wonder if it’s important enough for me to unravel. My mom and I share the same gene pool and I’ve had people tell me I look like her, but we differ on so many things. She’s pear-shaped like Jen, while I’m an apple. She had gastro diabetes during all three of her pregnancies, while I didn’t during either of mine. However, we both do have a tendency to get carried away with something to only abandon it soon after. As a result, my mom was a cycle dieter and I’m afraid that I might share the same fate. This I should probably keep in mind.

Badminton

2007-08-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

I’ve been playing badminton with Ly. I like it for the most part, but it does get intimidating and boring at times. Intimidating when I know everyone else is better than me. I get afraid that I’m ruining their good time because of my inadequacy. Boring when Ly and I are just doing drills. This happens often because there aren’t a lot of people we can challenge, and Ly is just so much better than me that we can’t have a decent game against each other.

During drills Ly insists on “instructing” me, although I don’t remember ever asking him to do this. It’s annoying because he gives too much feedback and I get overwhelmed. Also I have no urge to improve my game. Ly, however, is on a constant quest to improve, and he assumes everyone else is also. The last time we went to play, a family walked into the facility as we parked our car. Ly pointed them out, saying that they were regulars but they don’t improve. I defended them, saying that some people play just to have fun. But that day we spent most of our time doing drills, and I wasn’t having fun. I found myself looking at the clock as Ly droned on about technique and so on, so this time I decided to listen. I have a lot of bad habits, but I was able to make some of the adjustments that he suggested. And you know what? It was kind of fun to see myself improve, so maybe I will listen to Ly more often. Maybe I can improve my game enough so that when we do play with others I won’t be the worst player.

Control

2007-07-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

Last year, after Ly and I had the heart-to-heart about me needing to lose weight, he gave me his support through and through. Unfortunately, that meant policing what I ate and telling me how to go about my losing the weight. Being a naturally defiant person, I rebelled and we had another heart-to-heart.

It’s impossible to lose weight without support, but what happens when the support you get is not working? When Ly and I sat down for heart-to-heart part 2, I outlined to him how he can help me, and you know what? He disregarded it. Well not exactly. He said he would try, and the policing died down but did not totally disappear. He still occasionally tells me not to eat so-and-so and when I can treat myself. So annoying, but I’m learning to ignore him and others like him. Before I tried desperately to control my environment to ensure my success, and when I failed I would get angry with everyone around me. I too am a controlling person and get irritated when my environment is sabotaging my efforts. Now, I think I’ve changed. I decided a while ago that I would stop trying to control everything and work on controlling myself. It’s a struggle, but I think I’m getting pretty good at it.

One thing I use to do was force low-fat food on the family, now I buy food for myself and food for them. On a recent trip to the grocery store, Hunter asked for me to buy Cheetos, which I have a tendency to binge on when it’s around. I thought, “Here we go again.” I didn’t even think that I wouldn’t get the Cheetos that is how much I have changed in mentality. If it were me last year, I would have said “no” right away, because I knew it was a “trigger” food. Then I thought, why struggle? So I did ended up saying “no”. He can get Cheetos another time. Controlling the situation when I can is also a good idea.

Re-Thought

2007-07-23T23:13:00.000-07:00

I use my blog as a tool to help me lose weight. I like to post everything that I think would help me come to understand myself, and sometimes it helps me re-think my thoughts. Regarding my mother post. I don’t actually believe that! I’m a highly edumacated adult soaking in all the media images of the modern world. All the ladies in the parenting magazine posing as mothers are thin, and so are the mother’s portrayed on T.V. In addition, my mother was thin when I was Hunter’s age. So was my mother-in-law. But sometimes my thoughts contradict my beliefs and even flies at the face of logic. It is my feelings that confuse everything. I have this tremendous guilt regarding my mother-ness, and a lot of the time my guilt creates illogical thoughts. Let me explain…

I am an inherently selfish person, which is a big no-no among Asians. When Ly and I first met and during the first year of our marriage, Ly wasn’t bothered by it, because he was an inherently giving person and didn’t expect others to return his generosity. It was when I had Hunter that my selfishness became an issue. I prioritized myself, and Ly was disgusted by my behavior. His favorite phrases at the time were “What kind of mother would do that?” and “What kind of mother are you?” He also constantly compared me to his perfect mother, whom has sacrificed so much for her family. Those days were so overwhelming that I toyed with the idea of running away, changing my identity, and starting a new childless life. Luckily, I decided to stick to it and discovered how to "appear” selfless, but inside I was still the same. Today I still believe that I should take care of myself before I take care of others, but at the same time I secretly wish that Ly would regard my mothering as highly as his own mother's. This causes me to get these bizarre thoughts every once in a while.

The good news is that blogging does help counter sabotaging thoughts. Today, Ly worked at home because he was sore from going on a 17-mile hike with his buddies over the weekend. He was irritable because of this and because the house was such a mess. I have a tendency to get overwhelmed when Ly’s out of town. Not only because I’m on my own with taking care of house and kids, but also because I spent most of my time at my parents’ house and out with my sisters. I had planned to have the house clean before he returned home, but I ended up shopping with Jen and he ended up returning home early. I felt tremendously guilty and contemplated decreasing my exercise routine from 5 days a week to 3. With the insights I have gained through blogging, I reasoned that I still had Ly’s full support in me exercising and that I had no reason to change anything. I should, however, cut back on things that he doesn’t approve of like, ummm… being on the Internet.

Then and Now

2007-07-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

When I became overweight, I was in a state of denial. I perceived myself as still pretty. I think my sister Kiki’s hand-me-downs helped a lot. I didn’t like to spend money on clothes, so I bought solid, neutral separates that I can mix and match and get by with as little clothing as possible. When I was gaining weight, so was Kiki, so she gave me her clothes that she had outgrown and it worked out fine. Kiki favored feminine clothing with bright colors and floral patterns. Her clothing also tended to be tailored or fitted. As a result I felt feminine. I also had boobage to show off my femininity (which is slowly disappearing as I lose the weight). It was looking at photos of myself that I realized I was fooling myself. That and my deteriorating health: The acid reflux, plantar fasciitis, snoring, poor sleep, and lethargy. Each time I see my nurse practitioner regarding a condition, she always said, “You have so and so, which is common when you’re overweight.” What?! I am? The good thing about my nurse practitioner is that she never said that I should lose weight. She just mentioned it as if it was something we would have to work around. But I did get the drift. When I lose weight all these problems will go away. Well, some went away and some have only decreased in intensity. It’s kind of disappointing that they didn’t all magically disappear when I reached a healthy weight (albeit, at the upper edge of the spectrum). Maybe when a get closer to my goal I will be rid of these health problems once and for all.

A strange thing that’s happening is that I am becoming more and more self-conscious of my imperfections as I lose the weight. I think before I thought I was pretty as a way to protect my ego, but now that I’m thinner my psyche can handle the awareness of how I really look. In addition, I only bought new bottoms since I’ve lost the weight, because they were literally falling off. With my tops, I have put some away that just look odd on me now, but some can still pass as looking decent. The problem is, nothing will show off my new figure, so I no longer feel feminine. That and my shrinking boobs. It was during a picnic when my shirt got wet and my cousin’s girlfriend lend me her spare that I realized that I can feel feminine again if I just wore more fitted clothing. I just can’t justify spending the money. I’ll rather take my chances that Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear will someday surprise me with a shopping spree.

“Less” of a Mother

2007-07-16T17:45:00.000-07:00

There’s this wonderful pre-K program that First 5 is providing, and Hunter was invited to use it! Along with Hunter attending a preschool-like setting, there are two parenting classes. I went to the first one and it was very lame, targeting overly burdened or traumatized mothers whom failed to develop an attachment to their children. And from what I noticed none of the mothers whom attended qualified. I would have to say that they were at the opposite of the spectrum, towards super mom qualities. They were all low income and a majority of them were monolingual Spanish speakers, but in terms of parenting skills they needed no help, especially from a riff-raff social worker set on pushing her values. Ugh! If I ever become like her, consider me resigned!

I don’t think I will be attending the second class, but I don’t regret attending the first. It was wonderful meeting such dedicated mothers! What other mother would take the time to attend a lame class as that when they already have the skills anyways?

But I also noticed another thing. I was the thinnest mother in the room! You would think I would be oozing with pride because of this, but in actuality I felt tremendously self-conscious and ashamed. Because the typical and most shared reason that a mother is fat is because she has prioritizing her family over herself. I suddenly felt less of a mother, and guilty of the time that I didn’t devote to them.

Memory of Me

2007-07-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

I’m participating in a forum where the co-leader started a summer challenge. One of the tasks was to find an old article of clothing that I would like to fit into at the end of the challenge. I told her that I didn’t have an item that fit this description. I’ve been keeping clothes from before the turn of the millennium, and slowly I’ve been letting each one go to donation. Coincidently, I think I had just donated the last of these clothes earlier this year and wished I didn’t since I now had a chance of wearing them, keeping me from having to buy new clothes at my new size. Then a few days ago, my mother-in-law asked for the long dress that I wore to my wedding reception, since my cousin-in-law will be marrying in December and she had wanted me to give it to her. Then it dawned on me. I did still have clothes from the past. For my wedding day I wore three dresses and all three are secure in storage. I had forgotten about these clothes, because I was keeping them for “impractical” reasons.

I wasn’t sure how much I weighed when I got married. Probably around 115-120? Well, I definitely know I’m more buff now at 127. I tried on the long dress just out of curiosity. No cigar. It was still too small. And it got me thinking…

Do I really want to be that small again? A part of me does, and a part doesn’t. More has changed than just my weight. I have stretch marks all over and my breasts are sagging. I totally don’t feel attractive, and returning to my old size will just remind me that it can never be the way it was back then.

At the same time, Ly totally has the hots for me now that I’m small again, and it’s making me feel uncomfortable. Did he love me less when I was fat? This idea makes me not want to have sex with him. I asked him about this and he says that his love is unconditional. I had difficulty believing him. Then I realized that I was asking the wrong question. It was lust that was conditional and for him they’re probably two separate things. I think about this some more, and I’m fine with it.

Happy Trails

2007-07-05T08:09:00.000-07:00

Several things I have read that helped me bring a new perspective of why I’ve been a researching maniac lately. First there was Diet Girl’s observation regarding diet books and how she buys them when she’s disillusioned and have lost faith in herself. That post came just at the right time; because I think these are the reasons why I’ve been on this researching craze, trying to find the right book to give me all the answers. I really can’t trust myself, which is why intuitive eating had failed me in the past, and at the same time this researching craze was borne out of a moment of despair, when dieting had become a drag. Then there was TrixieBelden’s comment on my last post. She was totally right. I wasn’t enjoying my weight loss journey. Time to remind myself that I do.

I enjoy the exercise that I “have to do” to lose weight. I’ve always been an outdoorsy/athletic type of girl but with responsibilities that come with adulthood, things that you enjoy become once in a while kind of things. Ever since I started this journey, exercise has become a permanent fixture in my life. Although I would occasionally feel guilty that it has taken so much of my time, I love how everyone I know will buy into it as a viable reason why it’s okay for the kids to be watched by someone else or why I don’t get as much stuff done during the day. Ly and I have had arguments of how my TV-watching, Internet-obsessing activities would take away from the house, but he never says, “You exercise too much!”

The second part of this journey, of course, involves the dieting. Hmmmm… Still trying to come to grips with that one. Just as I love to be physically active, I also love sweets. And not the low-fat/low-calorie sweets. Chocolate! And it has to be milk chocolate. Chocolate-covered nuts, chocolate chip cookies, and chocolate cake are what I enjoy the most. And there really is no substituting them (if there is I don’t know about it). I just have to figure out this moderation thing, which is going to take some more time.

What I do like about this dieting thing is that I feel it really is contributing to this feeing of well-being. I feel healthy. Even when I was playing sports in high school, I didn’t feel healthy, because I was shoveling junk in my mouth. Now, as a busy adult, I feel healthier than I ever did before. I also love how my family can benefit from all the healthy options in the house. Fruit has become the snack of choice. Sitting around, eating cherries is what we like to do. Before this journey, the produce section of the supermarket was unknown territory.

And the wonderful side effect of this journey is the weight loss! I love feeling lighter. Sports become easier (although I can no longer blame my slowness on my weight). And I love the way I look.

I have good news! According to Asian BMI standards, I am no longer overweight! I’ve been dreaming of this day for so long that when it happened I was in a state of denial. I told my cousin David about it and he said, “impossible”. And I thought that he was right. It must be some fluctuation of water and hormones. It must be that my scale is finally broken. So I checked my scale’s accuracy with two 5 lb weights, and it was not broken. So I checked my weight a couple of days after and it was still the same. I can now think of myself as a “healthy person” through and through.

I told Ly about the good news and said, “Can you believe I’ve been overweight (and obese) for 6 plus years?!” He turned to me and said, “I can.” We had a good laugh about it, because he was the one who have repeatedly stuck his neck out to tell me what no one else would, that I needed to lose weight. Each time ended with me in tears. It was July 18th last year when he finally confronted me and it didn’t end with tears. When I decided to stop crying and start getting busy. Now, close to a year later, I did it.

Paradigm is a Shifting

2007-07-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

I don’t want to deprive myself and I don’t want to starve, but I also want to lose weight. How do I do this? I’ve decided to look into diet and weight loss books again. I’ve had a run of not so good experiences from these books, but I can’t say that I didn’t learn anything from them. I just have to learn to not follow them to a T. I mean, a lot of these books are written by experts, right? But they don’t know me personally, so there’s no way they can modify their program to tailor to my personality and lifestyle. That’s up to me.

These are books on my wish list:
“The Volumetrics Weight-Control Plan” by Barbara Rolls and Robert A. Barnett
“Breaking Free from Emotional Eating” by Geneen Roth
“The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person” by Judith S. Beck

I will probably buy them as a way to reward myself (if I ever earn any anymore). For the month of June I only earned $1 and that was from turning down a tempting offer. I didn’t have a good run of with-in calorie range eating for the whole month! It could be because of my lack of motivation in the beginning of the month or it could be because of my little paradigm shift. Nonetheless, I’ve been doing poorly.

Yesterday, I had a baby shower to go to, and the food was all so good. It was at an odd time (2pm) and I ate poorly beforehand (chocolate covered almonds and a banana), so I was definitely hungry before the party. I went over 2,000 calories, and I felt guilty. Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that chicken when I was already full. Maybe I shouldn’t have had 4 servings of tortilla chips. Maybe I should have eaten something less calorie dense before the party. This guilt is another thing I don’t want to live with, but what else will keep me on track?

On a good note, I found an older version of “Breaking Free from Emotional Eating” on BookMooch. That should arrive shortly. I’m feeling confident that intuitive eating will help me accomplish my goals. I did some more researching, and I found a study that demonstrated its superiority over traditional methods (AKA behavior modification). It was only one study and I was only able to get the abstract, but it demonstrated its effectiveness after 2 years. Very promising.

I also did a little researching on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) towards weight loss, and I found a lot of studies demonstrating its ineffectiveness. One study even demonstrated behavioral modification to be more effective in the short term and no difference between the two in the long term. However, there was one article that talked about a modified CBT approach that was effective. I was able to get the full article, and I’ll look into it later.

The Bet Continues (Without Me)

2007-06-28T06:39:00.000-07:00

Thank you everyone for your comments on the last post. They really helped me from making a terrible mistake. Right away I left a message on David’s voice mail to tell him I was out.

He came over the other day during my working out. I felt uncomfortable, since I hate exercising in front of other people. But he started talking to me about the bet and weight loss, and I really got into it. He told me that everyone participating in the bet has gained one or two pounds except for us: him who has lost 4 lbs and me whom has lost one. Despite this information my decision to keep out of the bet still stands, because the chances are still great that I end up in last place. Everyone in the bet, except for David and myself, has just started to exercise and they all chose the most intense form, running. The weight they gained could very well be muscle gain, so the others still have a chance to win.

But still it was nice to talk about weight loss, which has become my favorite topic.

A Fool's Bet?

2007-06-25T07:39:00.000-07:00

I’m a bit unsure about the bet I decided to participate in. Ly was offered the same bet but he declined. I asked him why. He says that it was a “fool’s bet” for him, since he doesn’t think he can lose more than 5 lbs. But if it were a fool’s bet for him then wouldn’t it be a fool’s bet for me, since we are relatively the same height and weight?

Additionally, the possible loses are great and the gains are very little. Ly went out with some of the guys of the bet, and Forrest, the most motivated one, announced that if he won he would choose a place where we would have to dress up. OMG! I can stand to lose 300 dollars on this bet!

Here are the participants:

David: 26-year-old male. He has excellent motivation to go to the gym and workout like crazy, but he has very little willpower regarding sweets.

Forrest: 28-year-old male. He’s crazy competitive and tremendously motivated in everything he puts his mind into, but he’s also a lot more fit than he thinks.

Marco: 27-year-old male. He doesn’t seem very invested in winning the bet, but he’s the most discipline with eating right.

Cody: 27-year-old male. He has the most to lose and has just started exercising and trying to lose weight! Ly believes that he would most likely win it all.

Jackie: 27-year-old female. She’s a little bit chubbier than me, but she doesn’t seem very willing to put too much time into losing weight.

Lily: 32-year-old female. Me! Unlike everyone else, I’ve been at my current weight loss effort since February. I feel like a seasoned veteran, but my weight loss has slowed down a great deal at the moment. And what I have noticed is that the weight comes off the fastest in the beginning. Additionally, I am quite a bit older than the other participants so my metabolism will naturally be lower. On top of that, most of the other participants are male and I have noticed that they tend to lose weight faster than females.

As you can see the odds are stacked against me. So what should I do? Should I stay for the extra motivation or should I bail out to prevent loss of money?

The Bet

2007-06-22T17:24:00.000-07:00

My cousin asked me if I would like to participate in a weight loss bet with the rest of the cousins. Apparently they were sitting around complaining about having to go to the gym, when they came up with a way to motivate themselves. After 6 weeks, the one who loses the most percentage of body weight gets to pick where ever they would like to eat. The one who loses the least has to pay for half the bill and the rest would have to pay for the second half. I know. It’s strange to have food as an incentive to lose weight, but this is what we do anyways. The real incentive would be to not pay when we do. I told him that I was in. I’ve been on a major plateau for over a month and maybe this will get my butt in gear. And maybe it’ll also keep me from overeating during family get-togethers.

Obsessing and Researching

2007-06-19T08:01:00.000-07:00

I’m obsessing about weight loss again, and when this happens everything else is neglected. Father’s Day was last weekend, and I didn’t do anything for Ly! And it’s not like I didn’t have time. It’s just that I was preoccupied with myself. Last night I spent two hours writing a blog entry, ignoring my kids’ cry for attention. Then when I was preparing Hunter for bed, I realized he’d be going to my mother-in-law’s today, because Ly won’t be home in time for me to go to my sewing class in the evening. That means I wouldn’t be seeing him the whole day! I felt regret and wished I had paid more attention to him. I wished I could be more balanced.

In trying to find ways I can insure my weight loss and maintenance, I've been thinking of intuitive eating. I unknowingly tried this method twice using "A Lifetime of Weight Control & Fitness" by Debra Waterhouse. It didn’t work out for me, because I was too particular about rating my hunger/fullness and had difficulty being attuned to my body. And although this method was suppose to eliminate the guilt that comes with dieting, I still felt guilt and maybe more so when I fell into social pressures. I know that everyone (excluding those with extreme and special circumstances such as autism or anti-social personality disorder) is subject to social pressures, but I like to fancy myself as above it. Intuitive eating has helped me discover that I’m not. Also it suggested that I should eat without distractions, which was impossible when feeding two kids at the same time. And I didn’t want to give up eating vegetables in front of the TV, since it helps me eat them.

Despite my issues with this method I do still utilize its techniques somewhat, but I wonder if I should look more into it. Maybe buy a better book regarding it. But I have great hesitation making purchases for myself, so I decided to do a little academic research on the effectiveness of this method first (I have my student access to the academic journals on-line until the end of the summer). I discovered that I couldn’t find any existing research whether it was or wasn’t effective. I guess it shouldn’t have come as a surprise, considering how new this method is. Although this may indicate a better prognosis than traditional methods since most research only demonstrate how unsuccessful they are, it’s not enough for me to back it up with my money.

Then I ran across ”The Beck Diet Solution” by Judith S. Beck while perusing on Amazon and I remember reading about it on jen’s blog. It talked about utilizing cognitive behavioral therapy towards weight loss. Currently, this method is all the rage in my industry, because it’s backed by tremendous empirical evidence regarding all different kinds of situations (although I’m not sure if there’s evidence directly towards weight loss). Never the less, it has peaked my interest. And I’ll look into it …later. Right now, I need to give some attention back to the family.

Flexibility

2007-06-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

A week and a half ago, Ly and I decided to have the kids stay at home until I return to work. Ly then offers to come home early whenever he can, so I can get my exercise in without worrying about the kids. Ever since then, he’s been able to be home around 5pm everyday. This morning he tells me he won’t be home before 6pm this whole week. Automatically, I brainstorm of what to do about exercise with kids in tow minus Ly. Ly then pointed out that when I start working I would probably be exercising that late anyways, so I might as well start now. He made a good point. When I was going to the gym after internship, I wouldn’t be eating until after 7pm and I did okay. But when it’s exercising at home, I think I’m starving myself past 6pm but that can’t be true.

Although, I didn’t see this point at the moment since we were busy arguing. Maybe I had expected him to be home early and had my schedule and mind set. And having Ly say he wouldn’t be had upset my equilibrium, so I reacted the wrong way. Whatever the reason, Ly said, “Why are you always so sensitive about this?” And that pissed me off. I didn’t think I was being sensitive about anything, and if I was he should be more understanding. Then I noticed he said “always”, so I think back to when I could have had the same reaction in the past.

Could it be that day last week when he wasn’t able to watch the kids, and I had planned to use the jogging stroller so that I can get exercise in? He had offered to take the kids to his parents’ house. I reacted kind of irate because it would have been preferable, but I was already heading out the door with Plan B. Is that what he meant? If that was the case, he was mistaking sensitively with irritation. Since he’s a fly-by-the-seat-of-his pants kind of guy, he has a hard time understanding that I’m a very rigid person that gets thrown off by the unexpected.

Either way, I should probably try to control my reactions so that we don’t get into another fight. And try to be more flexible. Starting with exercising past 6pm.

Emotional Eaters Forum

2007-06-17T05:58:00.000-07:00

I need to deal with my emotional eating before it derails me, so I decided to join an emotional eaters forum. I feel strange in this forum, because I don’t feel I’m enough of an emotional eater to be a part of it. Many of the major participants’ situations are extreme, battling with a mental disorder and/or an eating disorder. Additionally, the fact that I’m a social worker is bound to come up, and I might be expected to be an expert (which I’m not). Never the less, here I am. And if I’m ever going to figure this thing out, it’ll probably be from this forum.

Doubt

2007-06-14T13:36:00.000-07:00

Lately parties are guaranteed diet failures. I know that social functions are challenging for everyone, but it hasn’t always been that way for me. In the beginning of my weight loss efforts I was actually “good” most of the time. Lately, I’ve been falling victim to the “social munchies”. This weekend, it dawned on me what part of the problem could be. While I was with a group of family standing around the food, everyone was happily munching away while I steadily tried to ignore the food that I wasn’t hungry for nor really craved. My cousin complimented me on my weight loss, and then his girlfriend asked if I had to give up on certain foods. My sister Jen quickly said, “No. Not that I have seen.” This made me feel good, because it indicated that everything was the same. That I was still that crazy sister/cousin with the sweet tooth and the snack attacks. But then I realized that it wasn’t the same, because I wasn’t munching with the rest of them. So I dipped a tortilla chip in the salsa bowl and didn’t stop munching until it was time to go. I’m fighting with change.

Between that and home remodeling, I was eating close to 2400 calories a day! Which is no wonder I only lost 1 lb last month. In the past, I would make myself feel better by saying that I must be eating close to my maintenance calories, but I never really know what they were. I finally searched for an on-line calculator (I know I shouldn’t trust these things, but I’m so lazy lately), and it turned out that to maintain my current weight I only needed 1773 calories a day. This surprised me, since I had always imagined that the calories to maintain my goal weight would be around this number. I calculated it so there wouldn’t be any surprises when I reach that point. Only 1688 calories.

I know I shouldn’t be thinking this way, but I thought that the misery of dieting was only temporary. That when I start maintaining there’ll be so much calories that I wouldn’t know what to do with it. Once I used the word “diet” and someone corrected me and said “lifestyle change”. But “lifestyle change” would indicate that I would be eating at a deficit for the rest of my life! Although I don’t mind maintaining my “good habits” well into maintenance, I still liked to daydream of all the calories I can have once I get there. Calculating my maintenance calories at goal weight had shattered that dream. It really isn’t that much more than I’m eating now. Well, no matter. I simply have to start thinking like everyone else. That this will last forever. And one way to make it more acceptable for me psychologically is to stop starving myself for the sake of staying within the calorie range. Only that would require me to limit more of the foods I love. But is it really possible to do that forever when my tendency to overeat is so overpowering?! I then ran across a blog of a lady whom lost 100 lbs to only gain it back again plus 5, because her life became stressful. Last time my life became stressful, all the weight I lost also came back. What happens when my life inevitably becomes stressful again?

Although, I may be sounding disillusioned, I have recently gained some motivation back. I started weekly challenges in the forum I’m participating at and bought some motivational postcards to mail out as raffle prizes for those whom completed the challenges. It’s something new and I seem to have become obsessed with it, which has helped my motivation in the past. But I still wanted to sound off on my doubt, which is still there in the back of my mind. Because once the shine of this new toy wears off, it’s going to become larger than life.

The Thinking Blogger Award

2007-06-11T13:36:00.000-07:00

I’ve been given The Thinking Blogger Award by TrixieBelden! Thanks, girl! You know I love you and your blog! Now it’s my turn to award other bloggers that have made me think. These are blogs that have either provided me with insights into the mysteries of weight loss or have given me a new perspective. Although most blogs qualify, these blogs are outstanding in my opinion.

Diet Blog

by Jim Foster, Dr Carmin Iadonisi, Sylvia C. Hall, and Gabriela Cretan

This is a professional blog, but a portion of their profits goes to an eating disorder support site. This blog discusses the latest diet news and trends. It also provides useful weight loss tips and links. The discussion that follows each post is always lively.

Angry Fat Girlz

by Anne M., jen, daisyk, and Lori

These intelligent women provide insights into weight loss, body image, society, and personal improvement. Even though, I think most of the writers are actively trying to lose or maintain weight, there is a tendency towards size acceptance, which I feel is a healthy balance. Don’t forget to read the discussion that follows, which often provides further insights and things to think about.

Conscious Eating ~ Conscious Living

by Tree Lover

This is a personal blog of someone who’s successfully eating intuitively. I have tried this method multiple times with great difficulty (since apparently I’m not an intuitive person), but I would still very much like to develop these skills. This blog provides chalk full of insights to this way of eating/living and also provides insights into general self-improvement.

Token Fat Girl

by Token Fat Girl

This girl is honest, honest, honest! Which is refreshing coming from a non-anonymous blog. She discusses her insights and opinions regarding her personal weight loss behind the background of the larger society.

Do you have an Extra Large in this?

by Marshmallow

This young lady is Indian and lives in New Zealand. The cultural differences and similarities of her life compared with mine provide me great insight. But there’s plenty for everyone to think about. She’s very intelligent with a good head for weight loss, especially the science and numbers behind it. Being mathematically challenged, I have learned a lot from her. She also showcases other blogs, when they provide thought-provoking posts.

Jonestown Incident

2007-06-07T08:09:00.000-07:00

Friday night, we returned home late when we started to watch a really good documentary about the Jonestown incident. Although it was really good, the images and implications kept me awake most of the night. I woke up early the next day, and I was truly dysfunctional. We painted this weekend, so our house was in utter chaos. In addition, we spent two nights at my parents’ house because of the chaos and paint fumes. It was disorienting for the kids and myself, and needless to say my sleep continued to suffer. Then every evening since then, Ly has been dragging myself and the kids to different places to get new window treatments, keeping us awake longer than usual. It is only this morning when I finally felt well rested. But because of everything, I have lost the urge to eat right and record it. And even though, I have no real cravings at the moment, I’ve been eating way over in calories. It’s depressing but understandable.

Since the Jonestown incident (not the actual one, but the one when I stayed up all night because I couldn’t stop thinking about the documentary incident), I have decided to reintroduce not watching TV or be on the computer one hour before bedtime.

Jealous, No More

2007-06-04T16:36:00.000-07:00

My ex-roommate Peggy is naturally slim, and I’ve always been jealous of her. When we were rooming together, she had the ability to keep unfinished bags of chips and chocolate bars on her desk, which was something I wasn’t able to do. Not only that, I would eat her unfinished food behind her back. I’m sure she knew and thought I was a pig.

We went to visit her, and although she had just given birth two months ago, she looked like she had already returned to her pre-pregnancy weight. We came for dinner, but she didn’t eat a bite, saying that she was fine with a hot pocket a day. She then touted that she had lost 20 pounds, since she given birth because she was so stressed about breastfeeding. It seems like a strange thing to be proud of, but I guess since thinness is so important in this society, losing weight for any reason, including stress, would be considered something to be proud of. I, on the other hand, gain weight when stressed. And although I was subconsciously comparing myself to her, I did not feel jealous this time.

I’m finally losing my pregnancy weight, but I’m doing it by developing healthy habits. And although Peggy is slim, she is by no means healthy. She’s a moody person, and I think she can easily remedy this if she ate a little bit more. But since she has a poor appetite, I can imagine this would be a challenge for her.

So no one’s perfect, but I’m happy to say that I no longer want to exchange my imperfections for hers.

‘Tis the Season for the Weight Loss Infomercial

2007-06-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

Although I had vowed to start losing weight in mid-December, I didn’t start building my current weight loss momentum until mid-February. That was when I started Spark People. I don’t really know when the weight loss bug will hit me. The first time it hit me (that I recorded) was January 2004, which I always associated with The Weight Loss Season when everyone gets into the weight loss grove. And I was no different, because that was when I had put weight loss on my New Years Resolution (again). But I fell out of it in the summer when I went on vacation and was unable to get back on it until early November. What a weird time to get the weight loss bug, right before Thanksgiving. It was during this time when I was in school and learning how to help others and I thought, “Hey, I can apply this to myself!” so I went to the school nutritionist and I was good until I became sick as a side effect of being pregnant in early March. It wasn’t until July 2006 did I return to the weight loss cause. That was when I started blogging. Then The Semester From Hell started and I fell out of it again. And here I am today, riding my latest weight loss wave that started mid-February.

Did you know that springtime is actually a bigger weight loss season than January? It ‘s because of Swimsuit Season being close at hand. I didn’t really learn this until this year. But I definitely am noticing all the weight loss magazine articles, ads, commercials, shows, and infomercials. I like reading/watching these because it gives me motivation and keeps me focus. But some of the infomercials I’m finding to be…misleading. I know, I know, “Duh!” But I usually watch and read with an air of innocence, thinking that it would be illegal if these advertisements lied to me. But they CAN lie to you, at least for a time, until the FDA catches up to them or when there’s enough attention on them for others to debunk them. And they can definitely present the truth in a misleading way without much commotion from outside sources. The latter is what I’ve been noticing lately. I think it’s due to my recent revelations of how I was mislead by my heart rate monitor. So now when I watch infomercials, it’s hard to get motivated by people’s success stories, since it’s hard to ignore all of the marketing ploys.

My Search for Help

2007-05-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

I’m very much a loner and would never have thought of reaching out to others. It was when I was studying the benefits of individual and group therapy did I wonder if I was at a disadvantaged because I didn’t reach out, especially regarding weight loss. That was when I decided to see various people about my problem (before then I had relied solely on books). First I tried Weight Loss Buddy. I partnered with someone to support and in turn be supported by via email. Well, my weight loss body started emailing me those mass emails, which I hated. But I had a hard time communicating this, so instead I canceled my email account. My second attempt was with the nutritionist at the school. I met with her a couple of times and she re-introduced me to the food pyramid. I lost quite a bit of weight but couldn’t lose anymore. Although I learned to eat my fruits and vegetables, I didn’t learn to cut down on fat. Then I tried the support groups, Overeaters Anonymous (OA), Weight Watchers (WW), and TOPS. All three, I had ran away from as if there was a contagious disease in the room. I went to two OA meetings, which was enough for me to say it wasn’t for me. The tone of the meeting was spiritual, which I find I am not so much, and the meeting lasted forever. TOPS meeting was also too long for my taste, and the meeting place had a strong smell of tobacco smoke, which I didn’t care for. Needless to say I didn’t return after the first one. Then there was WW. I liked the shortness of the meeting, but I didn’t like how commercial it was. All along the walls were items for sale. And I didn’t like the points system. One meeting was enough for me.

Then I tried blogging, which I’m still doing today. All three of the support groups that I sampled were quite large that I never had a chance to share my story. Even if I had stayed there for a year, I felt I wouldn’t have a chance to speak. Blogging, I found my soapbox and I found wonderful support and feedback from my readers (Thank you readers!).

Lastly there’s Spark People (SP). With SP, I was able to keep track of my calories (something which I have struggled with in the past). Also, I was able to meet tons of people quickly. With blogging, searching for active blogs to read was quite challenging. Also with SP, I met someone whom I really would like to see be successful, which have changed my perspective of the weight loss community. In the past, I saw the weight loss community as a group to share my struggles with. Now I see it as a group I would like to support and encourage.

When I was interning at the hospice, a chaplain had said, “What matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What matters in this life is helping others win.” I found this to be true with my weight loss journey. When it was only for myself, I lost motivation quickly. Now that I also do this with the hope of encouraging others, I haven’t lost motivation since.

Body Fat Percentage

2007-05-24T07:12:00.001-07:00

If you pay attention to my sidebar, you would have noticed that my body fat percentage has increased. And you maybe asking yourself, “How the heck did this girl manage to gain fat as she loses weight?” Well I’ll tell you. It’s because I did the first measurement. When I bought my heart rate monitor it came with a caliper to measure body fat. It promised to be as accurate as a professional, but it was just more misleading information to sell monitors. (It was the instructions of this same monitor that lead me to believe that the fat burning zone was the most effective zone for weight loss. How can the purchase of one object create so much confusion!)

On Tuesday, I went to the gym to have the head trainer measure my fat percentage. I would have had it done last month, but I got side tracked. Last month, when I came up to the head trainer, he advised me to schedule the two free personal training sessions that came with my membership, which included a body fat percentage test among other assessments. I thought, “Why not?” So I scheduled one to only cancel it until this month because I was inundated with school stuff. Well on Monday I telephoned the head trainer to schedule one, and he asked me for my reasons. I told him to measure my body fat and curiosity regarding the other assessments that he had talked about when we first met. He asked me if I was interested in personal training. I said no, so he advised me to instead drop in the next day so that he can measure my body fat. I agreed to it. I figured it wouldn’t be fair to waste their time if I wasn’t looking to buy. Also I don’t want there to be some weird awkwardness between us, when I ask him to measure my body fat every 6 weeks. Well the next day I came in and waved at him as if we were old friends, and he looked at me blankly. I asked him to measure my body fat, reminding him of our telephone conversation. Then he advised me to schedule the free personal training sessions instead. Am I in the Twilight Zone? Am I stuck in some kind of loop? I reminded him more of our telephone conversation and our first meeting. His expression was one of blankness and surprise?, but he agreed to measure my body fat. And he did an excellent job. I’m definitely going to come back to him in a month and a half. He’ll probably tell me to do the free sessions again and I will probably have to remind him that we already did this song and dance. But I like this relationship. And I like this funny guy with the short-term memory.

Made a Few Changes

2007-05-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

The first one is that I’m no longer weighing every day. I just fell out of it, since I get bouts of laziness. And it was a lot of trouble. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I can read my scale without having to drag it into good lighting, zooming in on it with my digital camera, and taking several pictures (because the first ones are always blurry). My husband had bought the scale when I had just given birth to my daughter, so that I can kick-start my weight loss efforts as soon as possible. Now I know to never to ask him to buy anything for me again. He never takes thought on what he’s buying, always opting to get the cheapest or most readily available one. Needless to say, I hate it. But I’m not going to buy a new one, until I have enough award money for a new one. The one I have is troublesome, but it works. However, when I do get a new scale, I think once a day is still too much. Maybe twice a week would be good.

Another major change is with my award system. In the past I would award myself by weight milestone. I had wanted little incentives and large ones, but the only large incentives I could think of were weight milestone. I never liked it, because for one I get a big enough high from seeing the number that I don’t think I need anything else to keep my motivation going. For another, weight milestones seemed to be so far and few between. Then I read a blog post talking about weight versus time milestones. The blogger awarded her self every 100 days she’s actively trying to lose weight. I like it. So that will be my new big incentive. Tomorrow will be my 100th day since I started weighing myself, so I decided that the award I would have given myself for my 134-lb milestone will be my 100th day award. I’m also tweaking my little incentives a little, but the differences are nothing worthy to mention and I think I might still want to do some more tweaking.

Last Day of School

2007-05-17T05:57:00.000-07:00

Monday was the last day of school. I walked through campus, doing my familiar things and missing them because it was the last time. The last time I was going to the library, the social work building, the admin building. The last time I was going to eat in the campus café. And the last time I was going to use the campus gym. I’m going to miss the familiarity of the machines that faced the mirrors, giving me the perfect view of my belly, reminding me that I still had a ways to go. That day, I noticed that my belly was smaller. I also noticed that I could see my biceps as I did lat pulls and flys, when I couldn’t before. This made me very happy.

Monday also marked the end of my routine as I’ve known it. It may sound strange, but trying to fit exercise without school will be more challenging. With school the kids were mostly with my mother-in-law, and I went to the gym while I was on campus or after internship. Now that I’ll be home for the time being, I will have to jockey for exercise time. The kids will still be seeing my mother-in-law, but for now it will only be twice a week. My kids are wild and they stressed her out. Asking her to watch them for two days seemed too much as it is. But I need time to organize and clean the house. It really fell to the way side while I was in school. Then I need the time to look for work. It would be too challenging to do these things with the kids around (they are wild).

When Cultures Collide

2007-05-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Mother's Day, so I saw a lot of family. I was barraged by comments about my weight loss. My family, especially my grandpa, wanted me to do something about my obese sister Kiki. What they didn't know was that there really isn't anything I can do but be a role model and wait for her to come to me. They just don't understand all the psychological baggage that comes with being fat in this society. It must be different in the Philippines.

These were the other comments they have made...

The funniest comment was being called “sexy” by my dad and aunt. Then my dad proceeded to tell me to “teach your sister to be sexy too.” It seemed really inappropriate coming from my dad, considering that in the American culture “sexy” normally means wearing suggestive clothing and acting in a seductive way. But for my relatives “sexy” was another way of saying “skinny”. My sister Jen and I had a good laugh, since she has often been called “sexy”, despite her flat-chested, stick-like figure covered in conservative clothing.

The most unusual comment came from my grandmother who's struggling with the notion that being overweight was a bad thing. In her day back in the Philippines where poverty and starvation was part of the scenery, it was better to have more weight on you, but her beliefs are in conflict with her weight-related diseases she currently have. Yesterday, her eyes furrowed as she started to express her disapproval but stopped mid-sentence to say "It's okay, but don't lose anymore!" She was practically forcing the words out! Poor Grandma. She's stuck in the past.

The least welcomed comment came from my grandfather-in-law. Back when I was gaining the weight. Before I was ever pregnant. My grandfather-in-law had made fun of me. He would blow up his cheeks and chest and put out his arms to mimic my fatness. Even when I knew there were cultural differences, I was totally hurt. Well yesterday, he complimented me on my weight loss, saying that I had "persevered". Then much to my sister-in-laws' dismay, he talked about how once they were fat and had "persevered" (by the way, they were never "fat"). He blew up his cheeks and chest and put out his arms to make his point (since there was also a language barrier), and I couldn’t help remembering back then when he had made fun of me and my hurt feelings came flooding back, along with my dislike of him. Why can't I forgive him? He wasn't making fun of me. I know there's a cultural barrier. So why? It's so strange.

Exercise When Sick

2007-05-11T18:16:00.000-07:00

I was sick a while ago, and I wonder if going on an intense 3-hour hike had been a bad idea at the time. My knee is still feeling “stiff".

I had read this article that talked about exercising when sick. It basically outlined the following.

Don’t exercise when
1. Fever or serious illness
2. Taking medication for symptoms
3. Muscle pain
4. Diarrhea or vomiting
5. Tired, dizzy, or weak
6. Persistant cough or coughing up mucus

Once sickness is gone, start exercising with half the intensity.
7-10 days after recovery you can start new exercise.

Exercise moderately when
1. Have a cold or stuffy nose
2. Cough
3. Nausea
4. Sneezing
5. Watery eyes
6. Sore throat
7. Headache
8. PMS
9. Stomach pain

So basically, I thought I was following this guideline, but after reading it closely for the second time, I realized I wasn’t.

Maybe I should go see my nurse practitioner.

The Opinions Expressed...

2007-05-08T06:41:00.000-07:00

Lately I’ve been reading blogs of women whom are in the dating scene. It’s very interesting, fun, and sometimes heartbreaking to read. Being married, I am so glad that I no longer have to subject myself to the dating scene where first impressions and appearances seem so paramount. Recalling that time I remembered that I really wanted some guy to like me, but how would I go about it? Luckily I’ve had the pleasure to know some, so I would listen closely as they detailed what they liked and didn’t like in a woman. I’ve learned a bit, but I’m only going to detail the ones about weight and diet because that’s the whole point of what I’m trying to get at in this post.

What had really got me thinking about appearances was a post by Diet Blog that talked about prejudices people have regarding someone’s weight and eating habits. So I started thinking about my own prejudices, and I started thinking about those that I’ve known. And the opinions that came to the forefront were the opinions of Ly and his group of friends (Trieu, Trung, and Lan), especially the ones I heard when I was an impressionalbe undergrad. Ly and his group of friends are unbelievably frank and have no problem sharing their opinions with everyone. They especially loved to critique the way a girl looked. When I had lost a tremendous amount of weight in undergrad (more than I should have), my now husband had asked his best friend Trieu what he thought about the way I looked. Trieu then sized me up and criticized my arm flab. They actually critiqued me as if I was a painting hanging in the museum! And I was fine with it! I then also remembered that an overweight girl had a crush on Trung. Trieu and Lan would then make fun of her (behind her back, of course), because they thought she was stupid to think she had a chance when she was so fat. Although Ly and Trung didn’t voice this opinion, they didn’t dispute them. All of these observations helped me develop an understanding of the male psyche. Although now that I look at it, they were very unscientific observations. I mean, come on, these idiots can’t represent the common guy. But they did represent the type of guy I was attracted to, since one of them so happened to be Ly. Although I know he doesn’t have the exact same opinions as his friends, I can’t help but think of them as an entity with one brain.

In the end, Ly’s opinion is the only opinion that matters now. And what I do know for sure is that he likes a girl who can eat and enjoy her food. At the same time he’s turned off by a girl whom eats very little and appear to not enjoy her food. This made sense since according to Diet Blog, most people think that women whom ate little and healthily were viewed as feminine, and I know Ly is not attracted to feminine women. However, now that I’m on a diet, I have became one of these girls that he’s supposedly not attracted to. I wondered if he no longer found me attractive because of this, so I asked him. No use assuming what he thinks. He said he was fine with it. I believed him. So... carry on.

It's so strange how, even when married, we are still concerned whether we find ourselves attracted to each other or not. I always assumed that it shouldn’t matter once married. But for me there’s a small fear that I had short changed Ly or that I pulled a “bait and switch.” I remember all the things he liked about me when we were dating and how much I’ve changed since then, and I wonder how he can still be happy with me. But these are just foolish thoughts of someone who needs more self-esteem.

And while we’re on this subject of honesty in a relationship… I came out and told Ly that I still found him attractive no matter what size he was. He said that his decision to go on a diet had nothing to do with our conversation about his BMI. He said that he’s always known he was overweight and was always meaning to lose the weight but was lazy. Seeing me be healthy had motivated him to be healthy also. So, Yay! I’ve got a little bit more company on my journey!

The Buffet Strikes Again

2007-05-01T19:28:00.000-07:00

This is my last week at my internship. Also it was my supervisor’s last week on the team. So we, along with one of the chaplains, went out to eat Indian Buffet. I totally didn’t feel like putting the effort into figuring out what everything was. Also the chaplain made me feel nervous, so I didn’t bother recording what I ate. I didn’t even bother figuring out if I was full or not. I just ate and ate while my supervisor and the chaplain talked. I went over today, but I can’t tell you what I would have done differently. I didn’t feel like I overate. Maybe I should have stopped eating the naan when I discovered it was burnt. Maybe I should have passed on the Chinese pastry that was offered at the meeting.

I think my motivation to record what I eat is dwindling. It could be because I’m so tired.

I Keep Coming Back For More

2007-04-29T19:03:00.000-07:00

I don’t know why I’m focusing on how annoying my family is lately. Maybe I’m spending way too much time with them. But lately I’ve been annoyed with my sister Jen. She’s the same one who recently commented on my snacking habit. I’ve been doing a lot of exercising with her: biking, hiking, we even try to play tennis. I enjoy her company most of the time and appreciate how motivating it is to exercise with others, but, dang, she can be annoying! She finds weakness unacceptable and when it is she likes to use pity. Yesterday, when we were hiking, she scoffed at my fear of falling. I don’t scoff at her fear of dogs and cows. Why is it so hard to imagine that I don’t like to fall on jagged rocks? And because I was more cautious at descending, she was impatient and gave me advice on how to be faster. I am nothing but patient with her out-of-shaped ass as I wait for her when ascending and every time we go biking, I lower my heart rate, so that she can keep pace. What’s worse is the pity! I cannot stand being pitied, especially from my younger sister! And when I hurted myself, she kept saying, "aww". Today we went biking and it was the same as yesterday. I have a cold, so I was having difficulty keeping pace, and she wouldn’t slow down. And when she finally realized I was far behind, she looked at me with so much pity I wanted to strangle her! Then I made the mistake of bringing up my injury I got the other day. If I have to hear her say “aww” again, I’m going to be short one sister! Why does family have to be so annoying?! Makes me not want to exercise with her anymore.

Well, at least I don’t have to see her until next weekend.

Ly is ...Overweight?!

2007-04-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

I am shocked beyond belief! Ly is overweight!

A few nights ago, Ly was telling me that I don’t look overweight anymore, which was strange, since according to my BMI and body fat percentage, I still was. He asked me if he was overweight. He’d asked me this before and I always told him he wasn’t, but this time he was asking me to check his BMI, so I did. And he was. About 10 pounds overweight! This shocked me. I asked him how long he had been this weight. He said for at least 10 years! I’ve only been overweight for 7 yet the focus on who should be losing weight has always been me. I remember reading a post from Diet Blog how women are more than likely to think they’re overweight than men, but men are more than likely to be overweight. I had thought it was because of culture. Culturally women are supposed to be smaller than men. Then I also remembered reading a study that discovered overweight African American women don’t think they’re overweight because they were comparing themselves to the people around them, whom happen to also be overweight. I think this is what had happened in our situation. Everyone is overweight. Everyone. It’s hard to tell how someone of healthy weight should look like. Although, the women in the magazines and TV are, in my opinion, underweight, somehow media has not influenced me into perceiving men a certain way. So when I see Ly, I see normal, but normal is overweight in the US! When I sat wide-eyed at the number I had written, the blood drained from head. How could I have let this go on and not do anything about it? My father-in-law has a whole host of problems that should be related to his weight, but he looks normal. So I assumed that it was from genetics. I assumed that his poor mental health contributed to it also. But now that I look at it, my father-in-law has a gut, so his weight may have also contributed to his health. And at this rate my husband may have the same fate. I suddenly felt a strong sense of failure as a wife. Others may think that the health of one’s significant other should be their responsibility, and I halfway agree. But the other half doesn’t. Now I’m thorn. Ever since that evening, Ly has been asking questions like, “Do you find me unattractive?” Well, of course not! But then he asked me to compare himself to his old self. The one I met in college. Well, heck, we all looked more attractive in college! Half of me want to tell him that it doesn’t matter (which it doesn’t), but the other half want him to be healthy and that if I answered accordingly I can motivate him to be healthy. So I stalled, and now he thinks I’m disgusted with him. Now he’s on a diet, and I feel awful! He was a fat child, and his family and other children were merciless. Did I just contribute to the damage?

Knee Problems and Family Bugs

2007-04-22T18:52:00.000-07:00

I’m concerned about my knee. It’s been feeling stiff ever since I went lifting on Tuesday. I’m afraid I may have injured it. Maybe I had lifted too quickly. Also on Friday, I did strength training without doing cardio for the first time ever. Although, I warmed up for 5 minutes, I’m afraid I might not have been warm enough. Maybe that injured my knee further. Today, I focused on stretching it, and I also iced it. I might do strength training tomorrow. I might not. It depends on how I feel.

For lunch, we brought one of those pre-made pizzas to my parents’ house. It only took 15 minutes to bake, but I was so hungry and there were so much tempting snacks I could have eaten. I held out okay, only eating 2 chocolate covered macadamia nuts. Although, I ate two pizzas, when I should have limited myself to one, and I would have been fine with one and a half. Ideally, I should have eaten one slice and the banana I brought with me. I find my parents’ house stressful. There’s just too much stimuli. Plus my mom’s so annoying and she was sitting right by my ear as I ate. Does she always have to yell when she talks? Does she always have to be such an airhead? It makes me want to eat more.

After I ate I went back to my sister’s room where the package for macadamia nuts were so that I can record the nutritional information. My sister had assumed that I went to eat more chocolate, speaking disbelievingly that I would “go all the back to her room for more chocolate.” Why is this so unbelievable? I hate how my family associates me with my uncontrolled snacking habits. But I didn’t bother correcting their perception. Somehow I would rather have them believe that I’m a crazy snacker than someone whom recorded her food down. My mom told me to bring the chocolate downstairs so that she can eat some, so I ended up recording the nutritional information right in front of her. Mom stated, “That’s good that you do that!” This bothered me.

Fooled by the Greenery

2007-04-19T08:15:00.000-07:00

These past two weeks, staff meeting at my internship had been extended. To compensate they bought us lunch. Last week it was Chinese food and I was excellent. This week it was Panera, and I ate too much. I ate a huge salad with vinaigrette. In my mind, I thought that salad with vinaigrette would be inherently low in calories so I eat a lot, but when I looked it up it was 200 calories! In addition to that, I also ate a large sandwich. It was later on when I was feeling extremely full and drowsy that I realized the sandwich was too big to be considered ordinary portions. It must have been two ordinary sized sandwiches posing as one. I had fooled myself into thinking that I can eat a lot because it was a vegetarian sandwich, but I should have known by it’s creamy filling that it wouldn’t be low calorie. In fact it was 470 calories! And the large cookie, even when I only ate half of it was still 200 calories! (And here I was feeling proud of myself that I only ate half). So the total calories for lunch was 870! Whew! For being a “sandwich” place, they sure pack in the calories. But at least now I know. Next time I eat from Panera, I will only eat half of their sandwiches.

Milestone and Vanity

2007-04-18T06:57:00.000-07:00

I have finally reached my 134 lbs milestone! If I can keep this up for a week, I will gift myself an indoor rock climbing session with my husband. We’re always talking about doing it, but my husband can’t justify the cost of it. Now he can.

It’s strange, but I’m having a hard time justifying giving myself prizes for my milestones. I seem to be okay with paying myself for counting calories because in the past I have struggled with it. But when I reach a milestone, I swell up with so much pride that I don’t think I need a prize to keep me going.

Speaking of pride, I think mine may have gotten out of hand of late. I really have to watch myself, because when I lost the weight right before school, I think I was straight up vain! When I started my internship it was with 3 other interns, all of them seemed heavier than me. Although I didn’t say anything to them to make them think I was better than them, I was thinking it! I thought, “Why don’t they just lose weight? It’s so easy.” How could I have thought that? Just because I had lost weight by all means it was not easy! As punishment, I gained those 10 lbs back.

I also got advice-y when I leave comments on other blogs as if I was an expert because I lost 10 lbs! Well I’m no expert. In fact, recently things that I have thought were weight loss truths, I have found out to be…wrong. Yes, my dear readers, I was wrong. Although it shouldn’t come as a surprise to my long time readers, because when I was still learning about this weight loss stuff, I was making a lot of mistakes and they were kind enough to set me straight. And here I am thinking that the learning has ended. Nope.

For one, it finally dawned on me what BMR truly meant. I had assumed it meant the calories needed to maintain your current weight, but when my sister asked me I had realized that this definition was wrong. I had went educational on my sister, which meant I told her what the acronym stood for. I majored in biology for undergrad and somehow I had stored that BMR stood for basal metabolic rate. But as I said this, another undergrad knowledge jumped up. When I was learning it, it had meant the calories needed for normal functioning. I looked it up and my undergrad self was right. Therefore the soon-to-be-graduate self was wrong. Is it possible for me to be getting dumber?

I had posted using the wrong definition of BMR and I wondered why no one set me straight. I looked back on the post and realized that someone did. But I mustn’t have heard her. Well at the time I was thoroughly confused by all the numbers I had to deal with. I think I was much more focused on getting the numbers right. Sorry Kimberly.

Another thing that dawned on me was that fat burning zone is not the most ideal zone to be working out at. This is what Spark People had to say about that:

The "fat burning zone" business is very misleading. It’s true that low intensity exercise uses more fat as fuel and that moderate intensity exercise (that you can maintain for 20 minutes or more) burns both fat and glucose. But, you're better off exercising in the aerobic zone as much as you can, because exercising at this higher intensity burns more total calories. You will burn a larger percentage of fat in relation to glucose when you are working at a lower intensity, but you will also burn fewer total calories and less total fat. The relative percentage of fat burned has nothing to do with weight loss—it's the total amount calories burned that counts.

Charlene from my workout DVD had repeatedly told me this, but I wasn’t hearing her. I guess I needed to read it.

These are proofs that I am no weight loss guru. So I really need to keep my pride in check, so that I can be open to what people say. So that I don't mislead anyone. So that I don't make anyone think they are any less than me.

My Award System

2007-04-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

Each day I will pay myself money, depending on how many days I was able to stay within my calorie range in the last 10 days, including the day of.
<8 out of 10 days $0.00
8 out of 10 days $0.50
9 out of 10 days $0.75
10 out of 10 days $1.00

Each 10 days I stay within my recommended calorie, fat, carbohydrate, and protein range I give myself a dollar.

Each time I turn down food despite peer pressure, I will pay myself $1.00

At the end of the month I will use the money to buy myself a weight loss related prize. If I didn’t earn any money, but I tracked food for 80% of the month, I will still award myself a prize that I do not pay for.

I will award myself every 100 days I am actively trying to lose weight (weighing myself weekly and recording intake).

The Blame Game

2007-04-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

When I wrote the last post, I realized that blaming Ly for my eating seems to be a common occurrence. Although, I still hate it that he badgers me, I shouldn’t have blamed him for the fact that I drank another drink that he didn’t even offer. It’s so illogical. Just as it was illogical to blame him when I ate too much at a buffet or when I ate those pancakes. He seemed to have become my scapegoat, mostly because it’s easier to feel angry with Ly then to feel guilt or shame. Then I read this post, and I wonder if guilt and shame are anger directed at me. Never the less, it’s me blaming myself. I want to get away from blaming anybody. I have forgiven myself for my stupidity, but how do I keep myself from blaming in the future?

No One’s Forcing Me

2007-04-11T07:06:00.000-07:00

For Easter, my mother-in-law invited us for dinner. Ly’s sister, Linh, is a wine connoisseur and likes to bring high-priced alcohol to these get-togethers. She’s very excited about what she brings, puts a glass in everyone’s hand, and speaks enthusiastically about the drink she had chosen especially for the get-together. Unfortunately, I cannot share in her excitement. I don’t like flavored drinks, except orange juice at breakfast and smoothies. And I consider smoothies to be more of a dessert than a drink. Anything else, I consider a waste of calories. Well, on Easter, Linh brings a mix drink. Ly thinks that I might like it, so he offers it to me. Twice. And not in a subtle way. In a "Come on! Come on! Just try it!" way. I hate it when he does that. It brings attention to the fact that I don’t drink alcohol, which seems to be a social oddity. But I know that this is not his intention. He believes everyone should try everything and nothing should be forbidden. He’s been known to badger our vegetarian friends about their life choices and shove meat foods under their noses. And this way of thinking runs in the family. Ly’s other sister Xuan use to have a boyfriend whom was allergic to peanuts. Poor guy had to be subjected to my mother-in-law pushing dishes with peanuts in them. And even Xuan would force-feed him peanut foods. At one party, Xuan had a peanut food in her hand, positioned right in front of his lips as if to feed her boyfriend, she said, “Come on. Try just one.” I had to stop her, before she went to far. Her poor boyfriend was so meek that several times he had suffered the consequences of an allergic reaction because Xuan and my mother-in-law had insisted that he "try" a peanut-laden food. But I don’t blame Xuan’s boyfriend. Turning down offers is hard, especially when they’re so persistent as a Truong offer. Well, after Ly offered the alcoholic drink twice, Linh makes a virgin version for me. Although, I can reject Ly with a glass in my face, I can’t seem to reject an in-law whom has made a glass especially for me. I drank it with resentment towards Ly. I thought that if Ly didn’t make such a big deal that I don’t drink alcohol, Linh wouldn’t have made me a virgin drink. So yesterday, I told Ly to lay off badgering me to try alcoholic beverages, since I found his badgering annoying. He wouldn’t agree to do this. He insisted that he offers me these drinks because he believes that I might actually like one. As if he knows what's best for me! I told him I would never like one. I hate feeling thirsty after I just drank something. I hate feeling polluted with drinks that are not pure as water. He just couldn’t understand me, so he wouldn’t agree to stop. Then he said, “No one’s forcing you!” This is easy for him to say. Him and his family walk around with an air of confidence and stubbornness. No one can force them to do anything. But for Xuan’s boyfriend and myself it’s harder. I can’t seem to turn down an offer when it’s presented to me a certain way. But then I think, "It is not impossible." I'm sure Linh, whom always gives up all kinds of foods for Lent and whom has always been successful at this, has no problem turning anyone down. So I’m going to work on this. Next time Linh makes me a drink, I’m going to say, “Sorry Linh, I just don’t like flavored drinks.” Another thing I also know about the Troung family is that hardly anything hurt their feelings. But with Ly, that self-righteous bastard!, next time he offers me an alcoholic beverage; I’m going to take the drink and pour it down the sink!

Hungry

2007-04-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

I felt so hungry today and unfulfilled. I also noticed that my lips are dry. I think maybe I should eat more nutritious foods, but I totally don't feel like it. I wonder if I'm just not eating enough. I'm definitely urging something else than the boring stuff I've been eating lately. Today, I ate California rolls as a snack. I felt totally bad about that. I ate 8 pieces, when I set out to only eat 4. In the end, it turned out okay. I still stayed within my calorie range.

Buffet…on Good Friday?

2007-04-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

You heard correctly! On the day that we Catholics are suppose to be fasting no less. Although what a Catholic means about fasting is hardly what other religions consider to be fasting. For Catholics, we are supposed to only have one full meal and two optional snacks. Never the less, I find it impossible to eat this little and not be cranky and I don't want my unhappiness to affect the happiness of those around me. But my husband always observes it. This year was no different from any other year. He comes home from work and all he’s eaten was popcorn, so he was cranky. He says, “Let’s go to Sweet Tomato.” Which is a salad bar, a buffet with very little meat options. Perfect for someone who can’t eat meat. I was totally not wanting to go, because although I don’t want to fast, I still wanted to aim for the low end of my calorie range as a weak observance of the day. I should have said no, but my initial reaction was to do whatever my husband wanted. When it suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t want to go, he was already getting the kids ready to go. I voiced my protest, which pissed him off. “Do you not want to go or not?” he demanded, irritated. And a little too loudly, in my opinion. I know if I said no, he would be pissed off for the rest of the night, so I said I did. Now I’m totally resenting him. I have not mastered the buffet yet; so, needless to say, I went over in calories yesterday, breaking my streak. I’m totally disappointed in myself. Wished I done things differently.

From Wino to Wine Taster

2007-04-06T07:54:00.000-07:00

I gave up chocolate for Lent, and amazingly I haven't eaten any since Fat Tuesday. With Easter just around the corner, I went to buy chocolate at Trader Joe’s. And not just any chocolate. The high quality, dark chocolate kind. As I re-introduce chocolate back into my life, I would like to change my relationship with it. Usually, I would be to chocolate as winos are to alcohol. Any kind would do, as long as there is a lot of it. I have been known to eat chocolate that was a year old! And let me tell you, it’s not worth the calorie intake. Starting Sunday will be a new kind of chocolate lover! The type that appreciates the taste of good chocolate. I would like to become a wine taster type of chocolate eater! That is my goal. But I’m not fooling myself. I know it’s going to be tough. When I went to Trader Joe’s with the intention of buying just one bar, I had a crazy instinct to buy all kinds of chocolate. Then when I bought that extra large bar, I thought that it wouldn’t be enough. With any other food, it would be different, and that is proof that I am a chocoholic. I know an addict can never have just one, but I also know of an addict whom was able to do it. I want to be another one who can.

Ten Pounds

2007-04-02T19:32:00.000-07:00

I’ve decided to try to weigh myself on a daily basis. I have heard a long time ago that it was more effective towards losing weight, but I never did it because I didn’t want to get obsessed by it. Then I thought that it takes a certain personality to get obsessed by things like that, and although I do have short spurts of obsession, I think I will be okay.

Although, I will be weighing myself on a daily basis, I will only report my weight on a weekly basis, so today’s the day I report. 137 lbs was how much I weighed. I was skeptical when I read those numbers, because according to them I had broken through 140 lbs, which I wasn’t able to do before when I started this blog.

Okay, let be bring you up to speed on my weight loss journey (if you are a new reader or sporadic, like myself). When I started this blog I was 150 lbs, then I lost 10 lbs, then school started and I gained 10 lbs. And here I am again losing 10 lbs, except this time I lost a bit more than 10 lbs. 17 lbs to be exact. I should be excited, but I’m skeptical. I tried on my jeans, the ones I bought when I lost the 10 lbs the first time. When I gained weight again, I wasn’t able to button it, but now that I lost again I can. Except it still a little tight, when it should be fitting perfectly. So I don’t know how to take this news. Should I be happy?

On other news… I’m getting really good at keeping within my calorie range. Today’s the 12th day in a row that I was able to do this! Yay, me!

Sports Watch

2007-04-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

Yes! I did it! I recorded my calorie intake for a whole month! Today’s the first of the month, and as promised I will gift myself a prize for maintaining within my calorie range. For the month of March, I got myself a sports watch battery.

“Sports watch battery? What about the watch?” you may be asking me.

Let me explain…

Two years ago my husband received a sports watch from my sisters as a Christmas present. They bought it on sale from Sportsmart (a discount sports store), and no wonder. It didn’t work. Since it was bought on sale from a discount store, we couldn’t exchange it for one that did work. My husband and I concluded that the watch’s batteries were either dead or the watch had mechanical issues. There was a warranty, but we didn’t know if the reason it didn’t work was because of a dead battery, something that the warranty did not cover. If we had mailed it in, we would have lost money on shipping charges. I suggested that we buy a battery, but he didn’t like the idea of wasting money on a battery that might not work, if the problem was the watch itself. Additionally, my husband didn’t even like how the watch looked. He believed that it looked too feminine and preferred to not invest time or money on it. So the watch was given to me, but I couldn’t justify spending the $10 on a battery when my husband believed it was a bad idea. If I bought a battery and it didn’t work, I would get gruff about it for a long time (my husband’s a cheapskate). So there it stayed, useless in the top drawer of my dresser.

Then, last week, I finally decided to buy a battery for it. I decided to use the money I would earn through this reward system that I set up. I can do whatever I want with that money. If I decided to take that money and throw it out the window, it would be okay. So if my husband gives me any gruff, I can say that the money I spent on it was reward money and he wouldn’t be able to say anything after that.

Lucky for us all, it worked! and I get a new sports watch!

I totally adore it! Not only does it tell time, but it tells the date, has a stopwatch, has a daily alarm, has hourly chime, is water resistant up to 300 ft, and has night vision backlight. Nice. I tried it on for the first time today. I used it to time my jog and to remind me to take my meds before lunch and dinner. I also plan to use it to time my laps when I swim. I posted a picture of it up here. According to epinions.com, it could have cost somewhere between $40-80! So it was a bargain at $10.

The Shark and the Aristocrat

2007-03-26T13:55:00.000-07:00

I didn’t think it would be possible, but I think I’m getting use to eating treats in moderation.

If you have read my blog in the past, you would know that I like to use analogies about me and my snack attacks. And one description I have of myself when I snack is one of a shark. Mostly because I seem to engulf everything with my eyes closed. Lately, I’ve been doing the exact opposite. I’ve been eating like an aristocrat. When I have a treat, I would savor the flavor, and then move on. I feel so proud of myself!

Let’s hope that this will last.

Badminton, Indian Buffet, and Awards Earned

2007-03-24T15:25:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I played badminton with my hubby. I didn’t even play for the whole time, and I ended up being sore for three days after! It was fun, though. The type of exercise that you look forward to. I plan to play badminton whenever my husband’s guy friends drop out and whenever my mom can take care of the kids. We’ll be playing again tomorrow.

On Tuesday, my supervisor took me out to an Indian buffet. I knew a week ahead of time, so I researched it on the Internet then took the notes with me. Indian food is truly a mystery to me, and I didn’t want to make any mistakes. Although, I felt like I was cheating on a test, pulling the notes out whenever my supervisor was distracted with the phone or whenever she went to the buffet. My supervisor, however, caught me taking notes. She must think I’m really weird. In the end, I went over my calorie range, but it was all so worth it. If there’s any consolation, I think I only ate the vegetarian dishes. Which is good for the environment. Right?

On other news… I have added an “Awards Earned” on my side bar. I will earn money the more days I stay within my calorie range. Then the first of the month, I can use that cash to buy a weight-loss related reward for myself. Even if I earn no money, I will still give myself an award for keeping track of what I eat, albeit it’s worth should not cost any money. I’ve set up an award system before which didn’t pan out. Hopefully it will work out this time.

Procrastination and Skipping Dinner

2007-03-17T17:41:00.000-07:00

Why can’t I focus on more than one thing at a time?

I’m totally procrastinating on my special project, and I think I’m using my weight loss efforts as a way to procrastinate. It’s always something. If it weren’t that then it would be snacking, so this way is better. I’m trying to set a timer so that I only spend an hour a day online doing non-school stuff. It hasn’t worked so far.

Counting calories is going well, now that I track them on-line. I can save previously entered food, so I can use it another time. Additionally, it’s much more fun to do it on line. Looks organized and creates graphs.

Now that I track calories, I know when I eat too much. Last Tuesday, my internship had a big potluck, and I ate a lot! I felt full, but I also thought that it would still be okay. Calorie-wise that is. Well, I was wrong. When I went home to record my calories, I discovered that I went over, and I haven’t eaten dinner yet! So I thought to eat a small dinner, so that the damage wouldn’t be so bad… Then another thought hit me. Can I skip dinner? I’ve seen people do it before. A friend, sister, cousin, husband says, “I ate a big lunch and ended up not eating dinner”. And they were okay. A part of me was afraid I would crash. I still had to co-facilitate a support group, so that means I will be separated from food for about 3 hours! with no opportunity to get to my snacks. Can I do it? I decided to “test” it out. If all didn’t go well, then I would know better next time. If the co-facilitator or members noticed I was looking famish, I can just tell them what I have heard others say, “I ate a big lunch and I didn’t eat dinner”. And you know what. I was okay. I didn’t crash and I wasn’t famished. I just felt mildly empty by the middle of the group, and that was okay.

What is the moral of this story?

Trust the BMR. Those scientists know what they’re talking about.

The Great Outdoors

2007-03-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

I went biking with my sister again! I love it! I love being outside.

My husband and I are planning to move sometime in the future. We had wanted to move last year but chickened out. We were looking to move either between my parents’ and his parents’ house or in-land where house prices are cheaper, schools are better, and weather’s crapper. My husband recently discovered that homes inland were decreasing and asked me if I wanted to move there. I told him that I wasn’t too thrilled with the weather aspect. He reassured me that air-conditioning would make it bearable, but I told him I was spoiled by the pleasant weather near the bay were I can go outside on a whim and be reassured I be comfortable. He looked at me as if I was crazy and said, “You hardly go outside anyways!” I was shocked by his lack of knowledge of me. Don’t I go walking around the neighborhood and know the activities of the children going to and from school? Don’t I take my kids to the park every chance I get? Don’t I force him to go with me hiking? I think he was confusing me with himself who abhors low-technology environments. The matter of fact is, I totally love the outdoors. The number one reason I chose my undergrad college was its remote location in the wooded mountains. We met in that undergrad college and I have memories of how miserable he was, so I try not to subject him too much to the things I enjoy. Kind of like how other women don’t force their husband to go shopping with them. Unfortunately for him, I’ll be finishing with school and will have more time to force him to enjoy the outdoors.

Long-Term Weight Loss

2007-03-10T09:39:00.000-08:00

I wondered if long-term weight loss was impossible as I ride on this roller coaster that is my weight loss journey. As I deprive myself of foods that I love and as I sacrifice time that I need, I have this shadow of doubt in my mind that it’s all worth it. And maybe even detrimental towards really losing weight. So I did a search on the Net and I found this study written by R. R. Wing and S. Phelan (2005). It said that 20% succeed in keeping the weight of for at least a year and that the longer you keep it off the easier it gets.

So there is gold at the end of the rainbow.

Cutting the Calories

2007-03-08T11:20:00.000-08:00

The neat thing about Spark People. is that they not only track calories but they track fat, carbohydrates, and protein. What I have discovered is that I’m good with carbohydrates and protein, but fat I often have more than I should. Looking at the food I eat, I find that I rely on fat to enjoy my vegetables. I’m afraid that I don’t think I would be eating vegetables if it weren’t for the Ranch dressing. I know I can always do stir fry, but I seem to be lazy. I heard a doctor on the radio say that in order to lose weight you should cut refine carbohydrates and that everything else doesn’t matter as long as you cut the calories. I think fat in itself is the not problem, but the fact that it pushes my calorie intake over what I should be consuming is the problem.

I’m thinking of replacing some of the ground beef I make with ground turkey to cut back on calories. I have no issues with the taste of ground turkey, but my husband does. He’s a big meat eater and can taste the difference between ground turkey and ground beef and makes a big stink whenever I replace one for the other. Last week I told him I was thinking of giving turkey a try again, and he didn’t argue so I think it will be okay. I know it will be a sacrifice for him, and it makes me feel bad. I’m thinking of maybe using half turkey and half beef in my dishes that call for beef. Maybe that won’t offend his taste buds.

Enjoy the Journey

2007-03-07T13:14:00.000-08:00

I read a magazine article called “The Secret to Satisfaction”. It explained that satisfaction was not in obtaining the goal but in the process, planning, and practice towards the goal. At times I get obsessed with my weight loss goal, believing that it will give me the ultimate satisfaction that I forget about the little satisfactions along the way. I listed them here to remind me, so that I can remember that the journey is just as good (if not better) than the destination.

1. The feeling I get when I start to enjoy exertion.

2. The sense of peace I get after a workout.

3. Better posture and increased strength from weight training.

4. The increase of energy from good diet and exercise.

5. A sense of balance from eating well, exercising regularly, and giving time for myself.

Spring and Weight Loss

2007-03-05T08:19:00.000-08:00

Spring is in the air, when I went biking with my sister. The hills were green and the fields were covered with yellow flowers. All kinds of people were out on the bike trails yesterday, along with some bugs that we took home with us on our clothes. My sister and I are thinking of making it a habit. It’ll probably have to wait though until she repairs her rear tire.

With the warm air and sunshine, I’m even more inclined to procrastinate on my Special Project. Although I have decided that it would be okay if my procrastinating resulted in some needed exercise.

I just weighed myself. 144.1 lbs. After two weeks of gaining, I ended up losing 4 lbs in one week. The only difference is that I’m recording my food intake. Also, 144.1 mean that I have achieved my first milestone. Normally this should be something to celebrate about, but half of me believe it’s a fluke. Additionally, I had already reached this milestone when I first started this blog. Reaching this milestone again just reminds me of how fickle weight loss is.

Counting Calories Day 5

2007-03-04T18:52:00.000-08:00

Day five in counting calories, and I am finding it hard to keep in my calorie range. The last two attempts at counting calories I was breastfeeding so my range was higher. During that time I was eating salad with Ranch, while keeping in the range. Now I’m seriously re-considering my Ranch habit.

I’m gritting my teeth when I make food decisions. I’m trying to be conscious of it and relax my jaw.

Angry

2007-02-28T09:28:00.000-08:00

At my internship I’m co-facilitating a support group. During the team meeting, the co-facilitator handed me two articles regarding anger, which I read during the meeting. They were good articles and they got me to thinking about the incident on Sunday with the pancakes. I was angry that day, and I was unfairly blaming Ly for my bad decisions. I wanted to go up to him and yell so that it wouldn’t happen again. Luckily my anger abated enough for me to realize that it wasn’t his fault. But I also didn’t want to blame myself, because it would initiate self-bashing. That day I decided that it was no one’s fault. It was difficult, but I accepted my decisions and moved on in my life.

…But I didn’t really moved on, and it was nagging me. The anger. It had nowhere to go. I felt unresolved. The articles talked about how anger was so powerful that it can create or destroy, but like all forms of energy it doesn’t go no where. We can focus that energy to do with it what we want. I choose to focus that energy on losing weight.

Today I will start keeping track with what I eat. Wish me luck.

Fate and Five Pancakes

2007-02-25T15:40:00.000-08:00

It’s my cousin’s birthday and everyone -- my sisters, my cousins, friends of the family, and my husband – went out clubbing yesterday. My husband went instead of me because he was closer to my cousin than I was, and someone had to stay home with the kids. I was glad because I don’t like going out so late. Never the less I felt like Cinderella when she didn’t get to go to the ball. As if to make up for yesterday my sisters and Ly encouraged me to go out to eat at a pancake house with them. I had hesitation. For one I had breakfast at 10am and I wasn’t hungry at 12noon when they had invited me to join them. For another I had a large paper that I should be working on. But I decided to go anyways. I felt like I’m losing touch with my cousins and that I should maybe make more of an effort, but at the restaurant I ended up sitting at the far end of the table away from my cousins next to my sister’s friend whom I didn’t like. Luckily my kids and her kids were between us, but I couldn’t help feel like I had just wasted my time. I leaned towards Ly and I told him that I still wasn’t hungry. He told me that his meal came with three pancakes, so I thought he meant to let me have one pancake and the kids have one each. I told him which pancake I had wanted, but when the waiter turned to me to take my order, Ly looked at me expectedly as if I was to order my own meal. Taken by surprise I told him which pancakes I wanted. But to order pancakes by themselves were FIVE pancakes! I was so angry. I wanted to yell at Ly for convincing me to come and for making me believe that we were going to share a meal. But I also knew it wasn’t his fault that I ended up wasting my time and eating too much pancakes. Even when I only ate 2-1/2 pancakes it was too much (it seemed like a waste to eat less than that). Looking back I couldn’t think of how I could have made the right decisions with what I knew then. So it wasn’t really my fault either. Fate was against me. Fate and five pancakes.
…At least they tasted good.

Chocolate

2007-02-21T11:19:00.000-08:00

It's been a week with Spark People and I have gained a pound. I don't blame Spark People though. I'm taking it really slow. I'm not counting calories. Not yet, anyways. My last attempt is still fresh in my mind, and I have no urge in re-creating that torture. Additionally, today is Ash Wednesday. For those of you who don't observe it...It's the being of Lent. Growing up Catholic, there's an option to give up something for 40 days in addition to having no meat on Fridays. This year, I decided to give up chocolate. My addiction to it is quite sinful, and I've always had difficulty staying away from the 7 deadly sins. So in anticipation of my abstenance from chocolate, I've been eating a lot of it in the past week. You can say that my Fat Tuesday started last Tuesday and ended yesterday. But starting today, there'll be no more chocolate. Another challenge I've taken on this year is that I'm going to try to be non-chalant about it. So if someone offers me a chocolate cake, I'm not going to say "I gave it up for Lent", I'm going to just say "No thank you."

Ironically, I started watching "Chocolat" over the weekend. Ly has collected a ton of DVDs that we haven't gotten around to watching them, so I've started watching them as I did the laundry. I'm going through them alphabetically, and "Chocolat" was just the next DVD. So it's really a strange coincidence that I should be watching it right before Lent. Ironcially it's about this lady who opens up a chocolate shop in an uptight, God-fearing town, right before Lent, the season of abstanence. I haven't finished watching it, but I think it's trying to say, "Live a little". I don't care for the movie. It's quite stupid and simplistic and offers no solence for a chocolate addict like myself.

Spark People

2007-02-14T13:28:00.000-08:00

I joined Spark People. I’ve been meaning to do so, and I finally did it! Yay, me!

I’m following their program. So for the next two weeks these are my goals:

1. 2 servings of vegetable and or fruit a day
2. 8 hours of sleep at night
3. Listen to a get-up-and-go song a day

So far, 8 hours of sleep has been the major challenge. It’s hard with so much that needs to be done, husband who’s on his laptop in bed, kids who wake up at night, and acid reflux. Right now there doesn’t seem to be anyway around these obstacles. Well, maybe the “husband who’s on his laptop in bed” can be addressed. I just didn’t have the heart to tell him to leave when we spend so little time together as it is. I figure that even when unconscious, at least we’re spending time together.

Richard Simmons Super Sweatin’ Party Off the Pounds!

2007-02-11T19:08:00.000-08:00

Today, I decided to take the kids to my parents’ house to deliver some Valentine cards, and while I was there I decided to try out the new “Richard Simmons Super Sweatin’ Party Off the Pounds!” DVD that I gave to my mom. Not surprisingly, my mom hasn’t tried it out yet. My sister, however, tried some of it and liked it, so I decided to try it out.

I liked it. I wish they made more workout DVDs to music that I like.

Additionally, although campy, Richard Simmons knows how to draw out the emotions. He knows how to get you enthused, motivated, and moved. I’m embarrassed to say this, but I was crying at parts. And crying while working out is a strange experience.

Sometimes I feel so alone in this journey towards weight loss that I can’t help but cry when I discover that I am not. And I think that’s the effect that this DVD had on me...

...or I can be PMS’ing.

Need to Change my Habits

2007-02-10T15:31:00.000-08:00

I have a serious sugar habit. It’s been extremely bad lately. The good news is that my weight hasn’t change despite my poor diet. The bad news is that my weight hasn't decreased either. These are things that I know can curb my urges.

1. Regular exercise

2. Healthy snacks

3. Plenty of water

I think I’ve been okay with exercise. I’ve been poor with healthy snacks. It takes a bit of preparation, and I’ve been un-motivated and lazy. Water. I can do better. Maybe I should keep track of my water intake to see how much I really am drinking.

I should eat more vegetables and count calories, also. I tried counting calories earlier in the year, but the task is so daunting. It’s not so much the keeping track of what I eat but the searching for how much calories foods are is such a pain. I’ll rather be doing something else.